So my husband wants a Kindle Paperwhite but I don't want him to have one because of it has an experimental browser on it. I know its all black and white and not as good as a regular tablets browser of course, but the thing is I completely don't trust him because he lies to me about what he looks at. I understand he just wants to read books but I believe he will use it as an opportunity to look at nudes on Instagram, etc. as he is an opportunist with his devices. I just want to know if this device has created problems for others, or if it's way too limited.
He looks at nudes, and you look to find him looking at nudes. That is an odd game. Do you have a name for it? Instead of sneaking around deciding for him, you might ask him if he thinks that he can use the kindle responsibly or if it would be too much temptation. I am just guessing here, but I am guessing he wants to be free from PMO even more than you want him to be free. What is it that you want to be free of? How could he help you there?
I'm not really sure what you mean by game, him sneaking around online to look at nude women is ruining our marriage. Definitely not a game! I want him to end his addiction and I want to trust him again. He has told me he doesn't think the paperwhite would be an issue because you can't do much with the browser, but he also told me he can't do much with our appletv, and it turns out he can look at Flickr photos on it. He has also admitted that there's a part of him that doesn't want to let go of his addiction. So I'm just trying to limit devices in our life that will make things worse.
I don't know which is worse for your marriage, his looking or your controlling. You may not be able to step back and see the moves as a game, but it is classic "Games People Play." I was also suggesting that it is the toothpaste tube that you are fighting about. Nudes are the safe side issue that lets you avoid getting into the deeper more serious issues of yours, of his, and of your marriage.
Sounds like this is the real issue. I think if people are "enterprising" enoug they can find a way around the software. The software shouldn't be the main thing that is preventing him from acting out. His should have an internal motivation that he wants to quit.
Apparently my post came off as a controlling snoopy wife being more the issue, I was really just ranting in what I hoped was a safe place. For my marriage there is nothing safe about nude photos, so please don't make that assumption. Just looking for info about the kindle. As for the software we use, it was his idea and he wants it to stay, I've tried to get rid of it twice because it's not solving the issue, obviously.
Completely agree and he knows it. I'm not sure how much longer I can put up with it. But in mean time I'm not sure if I should let him have the kindle and be potentially giving him more opportunities, or if it's not going to be a temptation because it's more like looking at the internet in 1995.
The main question I think I would ask is has he voluntarily given you permission to keep him away from porn? For instance, if he said, "I am installing a porn blocker on my computer, will you enter and maintain the password?" That would be voluntary. If he hasn't given you this authority, then you don't have the right to decide whether or not to "let" him have the kindle. The better approach is to make it clear that if he looks at porn, he will further damage your trust, and you can tell him what the consequences of that damage is.
Is there a way to block access to the things you don't want him to be able to see on it? Like where he can just read books?
Hey, the "controlling and snoopy wife" is NORMAL behavior caused by betrayal trauma. There is nothing wrong with you or what you are feeling. All of us women here get, or got, uber-controlling and snooping all over the place. It's our PAs' addiction that caused it. I still snoop in my BF's phone and tablet many times per week. Once the trust is broken, it takes a long time to rebuild. The controlling and snooping are classic signs of betrayal trauma or porn-induced PTSD. He needs recovery for you to start feeling safe - no two ways about it!
First off, I remember my husband actually talked to me about getting that fir me as a gift. I thought it was sweet because he knows I love reading, but if you're worried about the browser issue, why not go old fashioned and get hard copies of books? It may be more expensive, but maybe if you are both into reading you guys could read books together and talk about them? And I didn't think your post came off as controlling, I felt the pain and anxiety in the post. For me, I set hard boundaries and set the bar high for my husband. If he couldn't do minimal things then he knew I was leaving (this was before we got married). For me to stay after Dday, all social media had to be gone or at least used in supervision, history sent to me daily, 100% honesty, if he slipped/relapsed he had an hour to tell me. If he told me past 24 hours I was going to stay at my parents for the weekend or something like that. I let him know that if he chose to act out and wasn't responsible (aka honest with me about it) then he knew the consequences. This isn't controlling, this is setting boundaries and expectations. I know that porn addiction is an addiction, hence the brain fog and the irrational thinking and not recognizing the person you love, but that person has to make a desicion in the end. It's the spouse/partner/SO or porn. They don't get both. My husband (bf at the time) after Dday was a mess and knew nothing about addiction adn psychology so I took lead to get him on his feet and then once he knew the basics he then was able to do his recovery. For me, I took lead simply because my husband was so emotionally stunted there was no way he knew what to do (also the breaking down saying I don't know what to do was a clue). If your husband has asked for help, then discuss the potential pit falls of having a kindle paperwhite. If he hasn't asked for your help, you as his spouse still have every right to set your boundaries/expectations and the consequences if those boundaries are not followed (like sleeping in different rooms until you feel emotionally safe again). I wish you luck! I hope all goes well. Just have an honest talk about your anxieties with the Kindle, express your worry and express the consequences if he misuses the device. Then it truly is all on him if he makes his marriage worse or is able to take steps forward to earning trust and rebuilding the marriage.
I think you can probably find a way to block it. I totally know where you are coming from I was there. When you are betrayed you feel like if you can control things then you won't get hurt again of course that's not the case. Using launguage like should I allow him does come off a bit maternal but I know what you mean and how you feel. I recommend you ask him if he thinks he can trust himself with this and if the answer is truly no then he should not get it. He can read paper books. If he says yes then get him to agree you can monitor the activity. No deleting cache or cookies you get to see the full history and have all the passwords.
Bringing it back to the original question, as an owner of a Paperwhite I can tell you that the browser IS functional, but in this case "experimental" means horribly slow, pixelated and downright unpleasant to use. I don't know anything about your husband's viewing habits, and I can see someone using the browser to view porn but I think the experience would be pretty frustrating and exasperating. You already mentioned the monochrome, so that may be a barrier too. At best, if he must own an e-reader it's a better option than one of the fully-featured tablets out there. I think it's admirable that you're on guard and looking for loopholes he can exploit, but at the end of the day this is a commitment he has to make for himself. If he's not really interested in quitting porn, he'll always find a way.
If he has to have a kindle, why not one of the first generations? Only for books. Why does it have to be this model? It's like saying I want to play video games but only if it's on a ps4. A Xbox360 isn't good. It's a stupid argument. If it's ONLY for reading, the model is irrelevant.
We are obviously discommunicating, and I am sorry for my part in that. I would certainly like for your husband to break his addiction to nude photos. I do not think that is healthy or good for any marriage. By "safe" I did not mean risk free or healthy. I meant that it is an issue that is on the table, one that the two of you have talked about and ranted about. Beneath that issue will be deeper unmentionable issues that do not get shouted, and may never have been mentioned. They will get talked about in whispers and tears. They are the roots beneath the photos. I have no idea what it is that the two of you can't talk about, that you cannot mention here. If they were worked through the nude photos would disappear like old pacifiers. It is possible to work through the nude photo issue by itself, without digging deeper, but it isn't simple. He will need the kind of support that you are getting here, but he will need far more of it. He needs people who are affirming him and encouraging him to do what he knows he really needs to do. People who will help him feed his good wolf, and let his bad desires wither from lack of attention. His battle is inside his head, it is a long, difficult battle, and only he can fight and win it. I am now typing on my Kindle Fire, a year ago yesterday I turned a corner and joined NoFap. Up until then I had used it to browse and dig through the filth of the internet. Today makes 366 days that nothing pornographic has been on it. I started by trying to do 30 days, then I kept going for another 30. I needed some people on my side to encourage me to get to here. My wife has been pleasantly surprised by my results. I cannot imagine getting this far without the confidence that she was with me, by my side all the way. We have talked about a couple of things that were behind my addiction. It was anything but easy, but it helped me, and we are much stronger now. I hope your husband will get the support that he needs and break his habit, and that your marriage will be strengthened in the months ahead. He needs to make some good, healthy, decisions.
I don't know, he's been telling me he's open to me hiding it for him when he's not using it. But other than that I'm not really sure.
Yes, a monitoring system was his idea for his devices, and he's put it on me to make the decision about him getting the kindle now. But porn aside we make all our decisions together about what we want to buy, so he has the same say about the makeup I buy for example.
Thank you! Yeah I never checked his phone or whatever before we were married, I had no reason to since I had no idea porn was a problem until he confessed to me.
Thank you! Yes we do need to have a conversation about boundaries and consequences soon. I've never wanted to have that type of conversation because I've felt it implies I'm considering leaving him if he doesn't get his act together, and I really don't want to. He would be fine with regular books but he's brought up the money saving thing since we're struggling right now, and likes the idea of his whole library being in there. Or so he says these things to me, a part of me wonders if he actually wants another device just to have a little access to look at things sometimes. Clearly I've got no trust there!
To be honest, it sounds like he is being really reasonable in asking for a black and white kindle. If he really wanted to use a kindle for viewing nude women he would ask for a colour version. I would like to feel I am in the same boat as him. I know that a colour screen and an internet connection are not good news in my case. However, black and white seems a good compromise. I would trust him and agree to a black and white one.
