Women, do you ever test your partner?

I'm not without blame, and often, I'm more to blame. I wrestled with this constantly, always validating positions and stances based on this "competition" within the relationship. It was a major fuel for my addiction. My wife does it too, often more than I, and in a way some of this back and forth almost resembles that. It wasn't until I realized that I'm accountable for myself, and my wife is accountable for herself, that I changed my view and started working on myself regardless of any "fault" of my wife or unwillingness she showed to change. This is a challenge, but it's also a very healing experience.

I think the solution to this issue to find peace and happiness in a marriage can be found when both partners take self accountability, work on themselves, offer grace and forgiveness, love, serve one another, REMOVE addiction, heal resentment, communicate feelings without judgment, offer understanding, etc. I think when we are able to do this in a marriage, it turns into a "team" mentality, where we work together in life to pursue meaning and fulfillment. Rather than use each other for our own reasons. Part of that is fulfilling sexual desires, but it also is quality time, caring for the other person when they are feeling ill, listening when they are stressed, holding 20 shopping bags at the mall while she goes and gets "one more thing", putting the baby to sleep so the other partner can rest, fill in the blank.

Without a baseline like that issues are going to come up. And in a lot of ways that's what @hope4healing and @Psalm27:1my light are saying you can't have any of this with a partner addicted to PMO. Period the end.

 

Me too!

 

I struggle with P addiction and my wife knows. we both had christian therapists helping us thru it.
my wife told me she is afraid of asking me, how I am doing. is there any advice from you, how to help her not beeing afraid of asking?

 

First you need to know why she’s afraid. So you will have to ask her. Use the feelings wheel( u can google it) this really helps a lot with communicating what’s going on. Is she afraid of how you react? Ie defensive, angry, shut down? Or is she afraid of what she will hear? That you’ve relapsed? Once you know why then you can move forwards with trying to alleviate those fears.

 

well, our way of Communication is many time non verbal. she doesn't like me to tell her what to do. so sometimes we talked and I brought up something and the conversation ended her running out of the room, crying and leaving me alone with no answer. I learned sometimes not to say anything is better rather then having my wife cry.
I think she wants me to start to talk about how I do, but I don't really know what to say or how to start the conversation.

 

Does she know you struggle with this stuff? That you use Nofap?

 

yes she does

 

You know I've read some of your comments in here before and felt you were a little cynical but that is a harrowing story. Did you ever consider annulment? I just can't imagine continuing under those conditions, that's absolutely brutal. I presume you have kids or why else would you.

Your instinct on this is correct. It's not a test for anything specific, it's just to elicit some kind of reaction. Don't acknowledge the premise of the argument if it's invalid. If she picks a fight, refuse to get angry. If she sulks, act as though you haven't noticed. If she crosses any major boundaries, don't engage with whatever she's upset about, just chastise the behaviour. Don't feed negative plays for attention and they'll resort to positive plays instead.

 

I never considered annulment because we were married and it was consummated ( as little as that was). I did start divorce papers on first dday. But, he begged, he pleaded, he cried, he said how much he loved me, blah, blah, blah….. I fell for it. I wanted my marriage to work. It was sacred to me. So he agreed and went to weekly marriage counseling for 3 years. I got pregnant on the pill. Things were so much better and he did everything the counselor said to rebuild trust. Everything. I trusted him 100%. Then 10 years married, pregnant with our second child I caught him again. I refused to divorce because I was not going to lose out on 50% of my children’s life and do the every other weekend and holidays. Hell no. So we were basically like roommates. I decided I’d divorce him once my youngest graduated. I saved ever penny I could and planned. He thought we had a great marriage. He had no idea. Even though I repeatedly told him I wasn’t happy and didn’t like him. So, yeah, I’m cynical, unfortunately. He got into recovery 4.5 years ago. 2.5 years before my youngest graduated. He is completely different. Everything about him and my life changed. Everything. One good thing, I grew closer to God, I have a great relationship with all of my kids, and because I saved so much money we both retired early, me at 40 and him at 52. I won’t ever go back to living with an active addict. Never. Life is so much better, indescribable how much better for both of us.

 

That's horrible that your marriage was so disappointing for so long, you must have been so young as well. It's nice it has a happy ending though. I always thought my parents would separate when we left home but for whatever reason they actually grew closer after we'd all flown the nest. I think it made them actually confront their relationship with each other as a priority rather than focusing on us or their work.

 

We had/have a very good friendship. I married my best friend. We dated 5 years, without having sex. So we spent a lot of time getting to know each other. Once we had sex, because he is IA, he could not handle the intimacy. Hence why everything changed on our honeymoon. He’s a great friend, a terrible husband and lover. That made it difficult as well. My csat, made the comment one session, she said “ you guys have a better relationship than many couples I see who aren’t even dealing with addiction”. When we sat the kids down and told them about dads addiction, my plans to leave, and what was going to change, they were stunned. All three had no idea. So, as terrible as it was for me, because I detached when the kids were babies, there wasn’t raging fights, or crying bouts or general upheaval. The most damaging thing about it was he worked a lot and just wasn’t present. I forgave him 20 years ago. I realized I couldn’t live with the hurt, the anger, the bitterness and resentment. Now, that doesn’t mean it all doesn’t come up at times. It does. But I have to work through it and he has to understand and be willing to allow it without anger, defensiveness or shutting down. If he goes back to those old behaviors, I cannot work through mine. If that happens, my original plan to leave will be what happens. I cannot continue to be dragged down the road of filth and of destruction with him. He makes that choice.

 

wow, great story and very happy to read that he was able to get out and is set free now. very encouraging ending...

 

Thanks for sharing that with me. Other than the happy ending between you and your husband, it's great that you're taking the time to share your experience here with everyone. It's good to hear a real success story, however long in the making.