Women, do you ever test your partner?

No, but if I'm totally honest, I considered it when I was still considering staying. I came down on the side that that would be too unethical for me. But there was certainly a driving force of wanting to know whether he really wanted to go back to using and thinking that if I just tested it, it would prove his feelings once and for all.
In reality, besides the ethical considerations, I knew he was already living in a major trigger. He's a stay at home dad, so he was home "alone" all day anyway.

 

You can't test an addict. They will always loose.

 

As a partner, once you get to a place where you trust yourself and your gut, there is literally no need to test him. Before that, there is a temptation to test. Usually if there is huge conflict on whether to stay or go. Addicts have no idea the pain they inflict, so many partners will test in order to try and find safety and protection while trying to convince themselves it’s safe to stay. Trying desperately to believe the person they love would not hurt them again.

 

This. Once I decided to leave, any desire to test him was also gone. I didn't need to know anymore, didn't need the safety or reassurance.

 

Not sure how I'd react to getting tested by a woman. From the sounds of it it seems like a situation that I can't win. Why? Because if there's teasing involved I'm going to like it. Which... Kind of ruins the whole point of the testing right?

 

Ok that’s a little different. My husband can be very needy and co dependent and I am neither of those. So, if he’s too clingy I do get to a place where I need space. What he has a hard time with is regulating ( could this be you?). By that I mean , he will get involved with something and be oblivious to everything else. He won’t pick up that our son wants to talk or show him something or he won’t hear our daughter ask a question. Giving space to someone and not recognizing when to connect and when to disengage can get frustrating for both partners. This is where I have found communications to be vital. One of my requests was that my husband straight up ask for sex. I told him if he does not verbally ask me then I’m not going to play. I have my reasons for this. She may be swinging between wanting all your attention to despising any attention. That’s not uncommon when dealing with a partners pmo addiction.

 

Its like asking a men if the watch females. All do it. And all females test their partners. I had 100s and all did it. Ofc they will tell you they dont do it...

 

What would the point of her testing you be? If you fall for it it's only more pain for her. You have destroyed her trust and confidence.

 

Because humans are not reasonable. They act on some feelings, doubts and insecurities every now and then. When one is overwhelmed with some feelings they cannot cope with it's hard to think clearly.

 

Lol, females test their partners to know, if the guy is really stable, strong etc, to be a provider for the family. Newsflash, you do it for milions of years, but I so believe you, that you ceased to do it, just now. Because, reasons.

 

Really though what's the difference? Safety seeking is testing the partner and relationship for things you want and need in the relationship.

I agree women test relationships and prospective partners, probably part of the natural selection process. I think men need to just accept it really. And do things they know are right. When men do that I think for the most part this becomes a non issue. As Thor said he's trying to change how we reacts to it. And when done successfully his wife will be reassured.

 

I would say people in general test relationships. Men do it all the time. Same as women. I don’t think it’s always consciously though.

 

Right now I am testing my husband. I turned off all of restrictions on the computer about a month ago, to see if he would watch porn and (or) if he would still go to sleep at the same time as I go to sleep, or if he would prefer the computer. I didnt tell him. So far, it is good.
Apart from porn, I dont see a point in testing him. I dont want him to act the way he did before. I dont want him to yell at me or my children. I dont want to make him nervous or angry or anything. Besides, I dont have to. There are hundreds of opportunities every day that would make him angry before. Having little children is a test of patience all by itself And he passes every day. He is much calmer than he was before.
But I can imagine it could be tempting to test if...he is in recovery, or is commited to change, or if he is faithful, or whatever it is one wants to know. For me, unfortunately, there is no test that would prove what I want to know. Noone and nothing can guarantee he will not watch porn anymore. I dont want him to, he doesnt want to (or at least says so), but none of it is enough to prove that it wont happen in the future. No amount of sobriety or recovery can guarantee that. I want him to never watch porn or look at women with lust, I dont want him to lie to me anymore. But no test can tell me it wont happen. Because he is a porn addict and that wont change. The only way any test could prove something would be if he failed. And I dont want that. Although I want certainty. I want to know for sure. That he loves me. That he wont go back to porn. That he will always prefer me. That he wont go back to the way he behaved before. But there is no certainty with an addict.
So, I decided to not think of it too much, like what could happen if he started again. I decided to enjoy every day and what we have right now, the love we have. In fact, I want to make his life easier, if anything. I see all the things he does for me consistenty since the Dday. I hope nothing bad will come. But I am sceptic about it. I try not to have too much hope. And just enjoy the now.