Marriage issues while trying to reboot

Real Jerry Seinfeld · Feb 11, 2024

Wilderness Wanderer said: ↑

Awesome sex. Never experienced it in my life. Doubt I ever will. I can't even look at my wife with the lights on. I wish I were in your shoes, @Warfman. I know the grass seems greener on the other side of the fence. But it really does seem greener. My wife is obese, some 240 lbs I estimate (she wouldn't tell me). At least you are attracted to your wife. At least that seems a healthy foundation on which to pursue the repair of your relationship. I wish at least I had that. My wife's desire for me seems to be such a small thing when I don't desire her. I will not leave her. But there is a gaping hole in my heart that will never be filled. She can't fill it. At least not in respect to her appearance. And it kills me. And it will never change.
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With regards to the space in your heart she can't fill, I totally get that her being 240lbs would get in the way of developing intimate feelings for her. It would for me, I know that I couldn't truly love a woman I found physically offputting. It's shallow but looks matter to a certain degree.

However, I often feel the same way about my wife even though she's slim and I'm somewhat attracted to her. I do not connect with her on a deep level. I have had far deeper connections with other women prior to our relationship. I'm not going to describe them as 'soulmates' but the feeling or experience is akin to that I suppose. My wife simply does not have that level to her, there's no real depth to her character, at least not from my perspective. However, some of those women I connected with would have made horrible wives.

I suppose I'm saying you're right and the grass always does seem greener. I think every one of us has thought at some point, "I'd trade my wife for someone that has x qualities". But most of us have probably been with a woman that had those qualities and we still weren't fully satisfied or something felt missing. Sometimes you've just got to appreciate and work on what you have.

Warfman · Feb 11, 2024

I think maybe the most important thing here is to point out that @KevinesKay was responding to me directly on my thread about something I pointed out to another poster that I was attempting to help. I appreciate @KevinesKay for deciding to come here to express his empathy for what I was feeling yesterday.

@Qzmp1 expressed he is struggling with attraction to his wife, and made a comment that if she was thinner, that he'd struggle less. I pointed out to him that even though it's a relatively reasonable thought. It's not a true one when it comes to addictive patterns, and it seems to be a very common one among P addicts, it always is an issue with others, not the self. As long as the focus is, if something else changes then addiction will go away, no progress will happen, believe me I've been there.

Maybe one of the most difficult things here is to not try to compare oneself to another. Which I was not intending to do on @Qzmp1 's post. I was simply trying to use my life experience to point out to him that you can have a great looking wife and still be addicted and struggle with PMO, and have marital issues that feel hopeless at times.

Each persons struggles are uniquely their own, and the complexity of humankind is quite incredible. but the reality is no matter what changes externally, (new job, better car, better paying job, prettier partner, fill in the blank) we bring all our baggage from our own addictions with us to that new "better" place. No external change will truly fix the addictive patterns, those are a singular issue that only that specific person can sort out.

I think that is what @Real Jerry Seinfeld is also saying in his comment.

Warfman · Apr 4, 2024

I've closed this thread, yet, after finding a brand new video by Jimmy On Relationships today, I thought I would share it here, for anyone who's followed things here it might be worth listening to. I really appreciate Jimmy and his way of not only addressing issues like this video, but that he acknowledges the point of view for both sides as well.

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Marriage issues while trying to reboot

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