Marriage issues while trying to reboot

I wanted to start going into more research in attachment styles dynamics in relationships. I wish I had more time to read. But I currently can only find about 15 mins a day. But I have lots of time while working to listen to this type content. For anyone interested in understanding my relationship I think Heidi Priebe is spot on! She describes me to a T as an anxious attached person. I can't speak fully for my wife but many of the points of the avoidant episode she describes, I see in my wife.

The third video is on the attachment dynamics of a anxious/avoidant relationship. This makes so much sense to me. Probably the hardest part for me is dealing with that gap in connection, she makes a point in the anxious 10 signs episode that an anxious person copes with that with fantasy (cue PMO fantasy). This I think describes much better than I ever have been able to what I think I struggle with. I constantly look to fill that gap. Part of that is my issue, I have to learn to regulate in those moments. And part of the time it's in my wife, to work though her own attachment style issues. It seems maybe an avoidants proclivity to want to self reflect is very low. Or at least very internalized. Whereas I'm kinda out there putting it on the table. It makes sense why I go through these cycles of not feeling wanted, or good enough.

 

More fighting with the wife. Seems we are at our best when I don't express myself. She's happiest then, but I'm at my lowest. I didn't realize how much this stuff affected me in full blown addiction, but man I really struggle with all this.

The dynamics of that avoidant/anxious relationship are definitely at play. The "I'm not ok, but she's ok" that I feel and her "I'm ok and your not ok" mindset are definitely at play. It's me, that needs to change. I need to "become" like her... more avoidant. And unless I do, I'll always be the problem. That's like telling a person that their very core being is useless, and that sucks! It seems she's perfectly fine when our communication is left in ash and just leaves it there. She can cope because she is avoidant. While I'm here desperately seeking connection and understanding. This is more and more apparent to me the longer I've tried fixing it.

I know I need to learn to cope with distance from relationship. I need to practice that daily. Being alone and misunderstood by my wife feels like death to me. When I try and express myself and am faced with "no, you need to feel like this". I'm thrown into that gap of connection that just eats at me.

I wish my wife desired closeness. I wish she was affectionate. The cold shoulder she gives me makes me want to cry out. Her pursuing her ex reinforced my feeling that I have to earn peoples approval, because I'm not good enough just as I am. I think that's what in part motivated me to "win her back", maybe I was trying to prove I was worth loving to myself.

In a really odd way, trying to remove P addiction feels that way. I think that I'll finally be worth loving when I'm clean for xyz days. But I know that's not reality, and that sets in the hopelessness that can jump up and get me at a moments notice.

 

Thanks friend, I know you are right on this. However, it's quite apparent to me now, that no matter how hard I try, this will not get better without my wife being willing to go into her stuff. I can of course continue my recovery efforts, and that will bring positive changes in my life. But the dynamics of our inherent differences will always be there unless we are both willing to work on ourselves more than we are about fixing the other person. My wife is adamant she has nothing to work on, and I am afraid that maybe that's a natural thing for an avoidant attached person. It seems that I will be continually faced with the gap of connection until she's willing to work on it. Which has me realizing I'm probably going to always struggle with this as long as we are married. I don't want to leave, but I also don't know that I'm ok subjecting myself to that agony for the next 40 years of my life. One step at a time I suppose.

 

Best wishes to you as well. I don't think it's ever too late for change. I hope things can improve for you in this regard because you deserve that.

 

After a lot of back and forth the last several days. My wife and I were able to deal with things. I was able to communicate my issue, while addressing hers and came to mutual understanding. It was incredible how fast my wife dropped her weapons when I told her I need the exact same understanding from her that she needs from me. I could see it in her face she just fully understood where I was coming from. We then had a blame, deflection, attack free conversation about the mess. She actually listened to me, I allowed her to say things she wanted and she didn't yell. It was a positive ending to some tough days.

I don't want to have to keep fighting and pushing that hard to get to that place. But it seems being the "pusher" of the relationship I have to assume that role and keep things moving the right direction.

 

Glad to hear that was worthwhile for you. I thought she does a really good job articulating things. Something that's really funny to me is. I relate to almost everything she says on the anxious part, many parts of the avoidant parts I have a hard time relating to unless I see them in my wife. I think that's an indication of what she talks about in the relationship together part. Where I am very tuned into my style but struggle understanding the other side. Growth comes from understanding both sides and in a lot of ways. Understanding the self and those blindspots in our differing attachment styles.

Here's another one that's pretty good I listened to this week, linked below. It is titled in a way that is directed at the avoidant partner. But it's still focused on both sides and working together. He's more direct, which may be triggering so just a warning before clicking. Haha

My biggest issue, is that gap of connection, when my wife is self regulating for good reason or not leaves me feeling abandoned. If you are avoidant keep that in mind if someone expresses they are hurt by something you've done. It's not the action, or trying to blame the avoidant (even though often it's expressed poorly). It's an attempt to find connection with you.

For years I've used PMO to cope with that disconnect. I'm so thankful that I have never cheated, or went for any other IRL acting out. I think I may have in time honestly, but thankfully I think I got this thing under grips I can at least understand.

 

He's brand new for me!

 

Funny you ask. I'm asking the exact same thing. And literally thought of you this week for this exact reason. I can see based on what I know about you that what you said is true.

I have realized the two people in my life the most. (My wife and father). Are both avoidants, and I feel much more anxious around them than I do around others.

I think this definitely affected why my addiction worsened when I came home and got married. My father consistently disregards my thoughts, ideas, plans and is very controlling. I describe him this way. "It's only a good idea if it's his idea". My wife I've talked about enough, but the ex issue and my wife's unwillingness to apologize, or even acknowledge how I feel without making it my fault has done a lot of damage for me personally, couple that with her need for control as well leaves me most of the time feeling unheard on a daily basis.

Those two relationships I feel the most anxious in. I have had many past relationships where I didn't feel this way. I felt secure in them, maybe even was avoidant with some. So I think what you are getting at is the attachment can change because of different scenarios.

Interested to know what you think on this.

It's seems obvious to me that BT is a major factor in your anxious attachment with your husband and why it isn't in other relationships. Do you feel it worsened in time? Is it slightly better now? I find when my wife and I find connection I feel a lot better. But it doesn't take much for me to go off the deep end.

 

In that same way I'm sure you feel so much more connected with your husband when you feel closer to him. I think what I've seen suggested is weekly accountability meetings especially early on during recovery. I have wished my wife wanted that, but she really shuts that out. I think that's something that would really help her to work on, even though it's mostly my vulnerability being talked about, I imagine it is extremely vulnerable for her too, because her natural response is to internalize all of it. It would help me, and also her heal when there is that good communication.

 

Yes I didn't mean to put you on trial. My wife does stonewall (if I push her to change) so the video I definitely relate to.

 

I'll try and formulate a response soon when I can. I thought I'd add two more videos to this thread. Both are on the development of each insecure attachment. I think it fits your response.

I told my wife that I think we have had a breakthrough with my persistence on this issue being true. She agreed, she says she relates to everything on the avoidant content I've shared here.

The topic of each partners blindspots seems to be the most important issue to address. I'll try and express that more later.

I think I'm going to address this with the counselor. I think I need someone well versed in this dynamic to focus on. It's a blatantly apparent issue .