Your Opinion Please

I've been trying to rid porn from my life for a few years. I have definitely improved - at the start it was scary not being able to last even a week at a time. As the years roll over, I get further and further away from porn, however, every time I remove myself from porn, especially for streaks greater than 2 weeks I have a desire to connect with women that is not my partner.

I've found a pattern. Start No Porn -> Desire more/better sex in my relationship -> numb these desires with more porn.

I had gotten sick of this pattern, and told my partner that I'd rather seek out real women instead of feel like a fapping loser. We discussed; and I pushed for a poly relationship. My partner has intimacy issues due to childhood traumas, and sex, even at the start of the relationship was/is not the best. Nonetheless, she agreed to the idea of another person joining our relationship. A month later, I was talking to someone who suited us very well - brought it up to my gf, and she said she was no longer interested in that... It seems like the only reason she agreed to it in the first place was to hold on to me... Mind you, she has done this before. The previous time, it was different, but the same - I need to explore this or I need to leave you. "You can explore this," and then approx 1 month later: "I never agreed to this." I wouldn't even be in this relationship if she hadn't agreed to being open in these 2 scenarios, and this "yes, and later no" tactic has happened twice now.. Once in mid 2022, and again in March/April 2023. This experience also caused me to feel extreme guilt about talking/engaging with other girls and it absolutely sucked.

Writing this... yeah, fuck. Makes me feel like I've been manipulated into staying with her. And this also feeds into me wanting to watch porn as it numbs my cravings/desires for IRL sex. I want to be completely free of porn, and unfortunately I'm not satisfied with sex with my partner.. Sometimes I am. Not always. Her attitude towards sex isn't always... enthusiastic. Or fully present in the moment.. In fact, ofc, I've also had issues being present during sex due to these conflicting thoughts. I have never had sexual issues with previous partners. I always blamed porn for my intimacy issues with my current partner, because stopping porn is something in my control and something I could do something about it + I always wanted to drop it as a habit. However, years later, noticing patterns - having intimacy issues with my partner, months into no porn; I don't think porn is the issue. (This is not an excuse to watch porn. I will not watch that shit. I rarely do, and don't need an excuse for it.)

Obviously the complicating factor here is my deep care and love for my partner. I've only had the courage to want to leave, and mean it twice over the last 3 years. Both times, she agreed to something she didn't actually agree with. And later pulled out of it. I also suspect that if I go ahead and engage with other women, she will stay anyway, however, I wouldn't be able to live with the pain that would cause her.

Here are my thoughts for my options:
1) Stay with my partner because I love her despite my unhappy feelings. (this is very difficult. It becomes overwhelming for me, and can sometimes cause depression. Porn in this option seems like the better of two evils. Porn, or other girls)
2) Break up with my partner and connect with other girls... (I love my partner and hate the idea of not having her in my life...)
3) Engage in polyamory - which is not possible as my partner is unwilling/unable to.

I've been dealing with this for over a year. I feel bad because I'm wasting her time, and mine. Wanting more, as opposed to getting married and settling down. If I were to marry and settle, I don't think I would be a good father, or the person I want to be if I'm dealing with these desires, and emotional difficulties.

Your thoughts?