You need to hear this. Perhaps you’ve been in recovery for months, perhaps your just trying to get through the first few weeks. But you’ve had a tough day, or the urge just got the better of you. You’ve had a moment of weakness. That’s all it takes. You beat off to a vid, or some ones instagram, or maybe just fantasized about a 3-way with your ex and a coworker. It doesn’t matter which, because they all mean the same. PMO. A relapse. It doesn’t matter how far you’ve come, its time to reset that counter. And that why you have to hear the truth. You have not relapsed. You’re on a very slippery slope right now and you are in danger of falling into the deep end, of relapsing. But if you get back on track right this instant then you have not relapsed. Do not touch that counter. Your still on the path of recovery. But only if you start walking again right now. There are many on here who will say no, that you have relapsed. That you just need to accept it and learn and move on. They are wrong. They are fools. They cant understand that what works for them wont work for everyone. They would rather be right then help another toward recovery. This isn’t the first time you have slipped up and had to start over. Its been a dozen times, several dozen probably. Months, years of starting on the road and finding yourself back at the bottom each time. It doesn’t matter how much actual progress you’ve made, how far you’ve really come. Because that counter is the road to salvation, and every time it gets reset, it feels like you have accomplished nothing at all. You’re weary, your frustrated, your disheartened. Right now part of you simply wants to go all they way off the cliff. Why not? You’ve already failed. Maybe you just cant bare to start again, because it will happen again. Your human and you slip up, and those few who have made it long term will wave their fingers at you and say your not doing enough, your not really trying. Maybe now you think there’s no point in even trying anymore. You will always be a slave to this and should just resign yourself. And that’s why you need to hear this. If you pick yourself up off the floor right now, your still in the fight. You have not relapsed.
They are wrong. They are fools. They cant understand that what works for them wont work for everyone. They would rather be right then help another toward recovery... Those words apply to you, too.
You pose an interesting point Know1hears. I am probably not the best person to comment on this as I see the world in black and white. This is obviously a shade of grey. But what about personal responsibility and accountability? My counter currently reads 8 days. It could very easily read 20 days. But I had, exactly what you stated, a moment of weakness. After much self reflection and much counsel from my fellow fapstronauts I decided the best thing for me to do was to reset my counter. No one decided for me. Nobody put a gun to my head and made me click my mouse button. Did I or din't I cross that line? Assuming an actual line did exist you would need a microscope or some other piece of scientific equipment to make that measurement. Unfortunately, while I was deciding, my lapse turned into a full blown fall, no pun intended. In my mind there was no question anymore. For me to respect myself and to get any meaningful results from my effort, I had to reset my counter. Had I from the beginning not believed I lapsed the resulting fall may not have happened and I could hold my head high at 20 days straight my first time through. Maybe I subconsciously chose to fall to alleviate the problem. The question no longer existed. I had lapsed. I only sought counsel because I didn't want to listen to myself. What I felt I should do and what I wanted to do were at odds with each other. I remember as I read the mounting posts a smile crept over my face because I made a decision that put me at peace with myself. Many people seek counsel on this very subject matter. For this is a very personal issue and a decision they must make on their own. There is no way to force someone to reset their counter. Unless you hack their counter So, correct me if I'm wrong, you should not be counseling others not to reset when you have absolutely no idea what's in their head and in their heart. I listened to my head and heart and I am all the happier for it.
I only speak from my own experience and struggles. This came out much more intensely than intended as I was incredibly emotional when typing it. I dont apologize for the message in it as it comes from my own experience and sturggles. I have no place to tell other what to do. I am only saying something that I wish someone had said to me a short while ago. Now I really feel I am startign at step one for possibly the hundreth time. I was going to write a more formal post suggesting a possible rethinking of the concept of relapse and changing it from a singular event to a scale of risk. While I don't have specific numbers, what I have read has shown that many people do not find long term success for addiction recovery. This is just a proposal that might help keep people in long term recovery rather than to focus so much on small lapses. I claim no right to counsel others on what to do, but I would like to try it if only to see if it could help someone stay on the path. I have had negative experiences from those who claim authority to tell me what I should do about resetting. So far following this has not felt like it has gotten me anywhere despite having improved a significant amount since realizing I had a problem. Once again, I do not claim to be right, I do not claim to be an authority. Im just writing to people who might be in the place I was recently. The tone of my post may have already burned my bridge, but I ask if you wish to discuss or dispute it then please do not make personnal attacks. Agai nthis was not aimed to offend anyone.
Relapsed today after 23 days and was tempted to binge when I saw that zero on my counter. I had to add a second counter to remind myself that all isn't lost and that I'm on day 24 with no masturbation or edging which is the longest since I was 13 and that I'm still going strong.
Rahil How long since you started recovery? Not how long between relapses but how long total time have you realized you had a problem? ALso if its not too personal, in terms of the "severity" or "intensity" of the stimuli, has anythign changed? For example have you gone from pmo'ing to hardcore porn scenes daily to just fantasies or non erotica since you have begun?
I started on April 3rd 2014, that was 59 days ago. I found that softcore images that once didn't do much for me now stimulate the hell out of me. I no longer have a desire to view hardcore images. My last relapse in May consisted of about an hour of softcore and 10 minutes of hardcore. It use to be 100% hardcore before I realized I had a problem.
"So, correct me if I'm wrong, you should not be counseling others not to reset when you have absolutely no idea what's in their head and in their heart. I listened to my head and heart and I am all the happier for it." Geyser I do not claim to be telling others what to do for a reset, I do not know whats in their head and hurt, only what is in mine. I made a decision to fall completly down because I beleived i had failed again. It did not bring me a smile to me face, nor did it feel right. It felt wrong, completly wrong. But that despair allowed that addiction circuit to switch on and drag me down. If there are others who feel the same way as me thne I want to show them there is a choice, that there is hope and that their efforts are not in vain. You say you are a black and white person. From what I have gathered, you seem to disagree with me. Do you beleive then that I am wrong?
"I started on April 3rd 2014, that was 59 days ago. I found that softcore images that once didn't do much for me now stimulate the hell out of me. I no longer have a desire to view hardcore images. My last relapse in May consisted of about an hour of softcore and 10 minutes of hardcore. It use to be 100% hardcore before I realized I had a problem." So you are already noticing an improvement, much faster than I did. Ofcourse i undermined my own efforts for a long time by viewing erotica and fantasizing. But if you relapse again and feel the urge to binge, think of how much you have already improved, look at whatever counter is highest, anything to keep you from going on a binge.
Interesting thoughts, Know1hears. But it comes down to what the goals are. From what I understand, you're talking about the long road to recovery; the journey from being an addict to being healed. This would include everything from admitting one has a problem, taking the first steps but failing sometimes, but then getting back in the saddle and not quitting after a failure. I see your point there. But the counters are for short-term goals. Going 30 days or whatnot with NO porn, or NO masturbation. but even if there is a weak moment in say, Day 29, well that's NOT 30 days, therefore the counter is reset. However, it's still to each their own. There can be gray areas if one so decides, or it can be black and white. I believe mos here call it "hard mode". I like what you wrote though. It's encouraging. The counters are helpful and it's awesome to see the numbers increase. But at the same time, we all should not build them up to be more than they are. If we do have a moment of failure, we should not be so hard on ourselves. Get up and try again. But never, ever give up!
"But what about personal responsibility and accountability?" You are ultimately responsible for your own long term recovery, I am not denying that. But I would argue that anyone who is honestly working toward recovering ha already recognized that they have a problem and is takign charge of their life. There are many addicts out there who will damage their own and other lives and never get help despite knowing they have a problem. This post was directed at those who are genuinely trying and struggling. "Nobody put a gun to my head and made me click my mouse button." I will refer you to what I posted above. "But even if there is a weak moment in say, Day 29, well that's NOT 30 days, therefore the counter is reset." And that is the problem. The goal is reaching x time without relapse. It is a singular event. If you misstep even once than you set it back. And at first on the journey, it may seem like a temporary set back, but over time as you keep resettign this counter it just wears you down. Why? because as far as my epxerience goes, the counter is what determines your progress. We have placed in front of us an almost mythical time period where thigns will get easier once we reach it without relapsing, and until we hit that, it seems like were never going to heal. I have gone three and a half months no MO/PMO, "hard mode" if you will. Nothign felt all that much different or changed. I relapsed and went down to once a week no erotica for months after. So what i propose is rather than relapsing being an all or nothign event, that instead it is placed on a spectrum. TO use an analogy of a lake. Lets say you have gone three weeks no MO, but then you jerk off to a classmate in some scenario or another. Your in danger, youve taken your first steps into a relapse.At this point a person can get themselves back on track without going into the failure thinking that derail them completly. Now if they keep going then they get deeper and deeper until they go under, until they hit a full relapse. Obviously there has to be some point where they've shit the bed and need to start over, but this would give someone breathing room and keep them from being discouraged. Now might this system be abused? Certainly. There will be those who would just stay i nthe shallow waters and never try to recover. But I would argue they would likely relapse anyway. They wont be able to stay in the shallow end, theyll keep going till their under and have to start over. From what I have read, AA itself, the most well known recovery program, only has 31% long term success rate. No offense to anyone who has seen results from it. But as far as I am concerned, I think that means we need to find out if theres a better way that can help more people. That means trying things out and seeing if they work. Again this is by no means a be all end all concept im proposing. I think it could use improvement and if anyone sees something about that make it better, then tell me. Right theres no bad suggestions. If you think the entire concept is crap, then elaborate why and add what you feel would be better. Its not about being right, its abou finding ways to get people into recovery and keeping them there.
Im not sure I understand what you mean. A relapse and a failure is not neccesarily the same thing. When I started this journey I defined for myself that a relapse would be if I did either P, M or O and my goal is to do that for 90 days and then reevaluate the situation. If I do either of those things then clearly Ive relapsed, giving in to temptation? That doesnt mean I failed or that I should give this whole thing up.
im simply sayign the whole counter things has never really worked for me. Its only led me to frustration. And by making a relapse a singular event that sense of failure is reinfirced, and yes that IS what it feels like just as I wrote. you know what never mind forget everything I said and just do your own thing.
