Wow. I agree with you, but it is incredibly difficult to tell all of ones secrets. In my case, I pondered suicide daily because I knew I wasn’t making her happy and I no longer felt any happiness or joy. I believe sooner or later we will all arrive at the point to tell our loved one for better or worse. But at the end of the day, you are lightened by being completely open and honest.
Very well stated. I only hope that each of you have a soul mate that will assist you in overcoming this terrible addiction. It’s not easy confessing, but if you keep to your resolve, speak openly about how you/she/he is feeling then I believe we all can find that happiness each of us knew at one point in our lives!
Hmm...let’s all hope that what he is thinking works for the both of them. It’s nit impossible, I just know, speaking for myself, I never would be able to stop this addiction without confiding and promising to my wife that I will no longer search out porn. We are all so different, our environments as well. The thing each of us has going for us is our addictive behavior. I believe we can channel that toward our SO rather than porn! My best to each and all of you!
And when (not if, because there is always a when) she finds out on her own? What then? You are then branded not only a betrayer, but also a liar. Nothing you do will be trusted and it will look as though you are only in recovery because you got caught. The reasoning listed above is weak and continues to make your SO the victim of your betrayal. Those are nothing but excuses to continue to lie and hide from accountability. Until you come clean you are a living, breathing lie, and it will be impossible to have a real, true relationship with your SO. You are making life choices for her without her consent and you do not have that right.
Thank you, but I have already told her everything. It will take her time to trust me, but that’s ok. I understand where she is coming from and am willing to give her the time and space she needs. We have committed to tell one another what is on our minds, and I’m certain that together we will find once again, what we once had.
Yes. This is it exactly. A betrayer AND a liar. My husband was caught in his lies. Actually, I suppose I should say caught in some of his lies, because I'll never know how many there were or continue to be. BECAUSE HE'S A LIAR. He tells me every day that he has not looked at porn since May. Every day I struggle to believe him and almost every day I fail. I am simultaneously obsessed with thoughts of trying to "catch" him again and living in fear of catching him again. I'm not sure I will ever believe him about anything. Worse than that, I'm not sure I will ever believe MYSELF about anything again. His lies undermined my confidence in my own intuition and intelligence. THAT is a cost too high.
Again, I'm sorry if I offended anyone. I don't come to Nofap to fight people, I come here to draw on the strength of all fapstonauts who are fighting the good fight. May we all grow stronger and better.
Sorry to hear that. Like any addiction, I think it is difficult to overcome for some. Speaking for myself, finally being open with my wife gave me a sense of relief and comfort that I haven’t experienced in a long time. Of corse in doing so, I have caused her a lot of grief and anxiety. I will forever have to deal with my guilt regarding keeping this addiction from her and not being utterly truthful for so many years. In my case, things never progressed beyond porn. The vows I spoke to her have always meant everything to me, she is and always will be the center of my universe. I feel fortunate that she is trying to work through these difficult times. I know we will arrive in a better place, it will take time, but that’s ok.
Well said. I think we are all just trying to free ourselves from this addiction. Keep up the good fight!
I dont know if this was directed at my reply to you. Please know that you have not offended me. I just wanted to point out that your wife will eventually find out. It could be days, it could be months, or it could be years, but she will find out and that cost could be too great for your marriage to bear. While it will be painful for her to hear it from you, the pain she will endure from discovering your lies and betrayal on her own is a hundred times greater.
EyesWideOpen is right. My husband kept his secret from me for 7 years. 7 years I spent obsessing over why he didn’t want to have sex with me. Every single day I was trying to figure it out, any way that I could think of. He let me take him to doctors and get his blood checked. He even got himself on antidepressants... he went to extraordinary lengths to hide his secret from me and he had NO INTENTION of ever telling me. He said he was trying to fix it himself without me ever finding out. But guess what? It just kept getting worse and worse for him to the point where I finally found out myself based on his own actions in sexual activity, and had to painfully convince him to admit it to me that he is a porn addict. My ONLY REGRET in all of my marriage is that he didn’t tell me right away. If he would have told me in year 1, before he gave himself PIED, we could have immediately started working on it, established that it wasn’t good for us and we could have had an amazing marriage and sex life by now. NONE OF IT hurts me more than knowing that he lied to me for 7 years while he WATCHED me cry myself to sleep at night begging for answers, and he told me to my face that he wished he knew how he could take my pain away. But he knew the whole time. THAT is way worse than the porn addiction itself.
I’m so sorry that you had to go through that hurt and sense of not knowing the cause. In my case, I never for a moment thought that the porn was causing me to withdraw from life and my physical relationship with my wife of 25 years. It only occurred to me one night, when I was surfing porn and felt so ashamed and came across this site. Once I joined and started reading the stories from members, I realized the cause. In my case, we have not been intimate for over 10 years. Like your husband, I never knew what my problem was, I thought of suicide multiple times; (told my wife about that and received counseling), wanted to get a blood test, never did. Through this group and confidence from members, I finally did tell my wife about my addiction. After only two days of belonging to this site, I told my wife everything. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. Even more than telling her I was contemplating killing myself. I felt as though I betrayed her. I have and never will cheat on her. She is and always has been the center of my world. I have not and will not look at porn ever again, and I told her so. I gave her my log in and password to this site so that she may see what I’m saying as well as what others are saying regarding this terrible addiction. I now log in and attempt to help others. I believe, we need to tell our spouses, significant others once we realize what our condition is. To do anything less, is dishonest, at least in my mind and for me. It will take my wife time to understand and once again trust and become close to me. That’s ok. I have caused her incredible hurt for a good number of years. It’s now time for me to treat her like the Princess/Queen I have always seen her to be! I hope you and your husband can find a way to bridge yourselves back into one another’s lives. All my best.
That's awful, Watching P is a cruel thing to do to a SO. Any single man who is thinking about getting into a relationship must remain single until he is 99.9% cured from this addiction.
Thank you for the feedback. In my mind I always viewed the physical act with another person as committing adulatory/cheating. I never considered porn to be the same. I guess that’s because I used it for so long before ever meeting my wife. You do raise a valid point though. Perhaps deep down inside, that was one of the reasons why I never told her in the first place. As to telling her I will never view porn again, I can’t, and won’t take that back. One of the positive attributes of having an addictive behavior, I believe is being able to focus on staying the course. I think it’s been 14 days now and the only way I know that is from the counter, kind of like it. This site allows a platform to engage something other than porn. I can’t honestly say I have any desire to view porn now, rather I desire to heal the wounds I have created for my wife. When and if I feel anxious, I will tell her and together we will work through it. Who knows how long each of us have in this world? I’ve been blessed to find my soul mate, as well as this site as a catalyst to help she and I heal and move forward together rather than apart. Your feedback has been most helpful. I hope to offer guidance/support to others her as well. Thank you for doing what you do!
I second this. If you ever think you’re cured and think you can let your guard down you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. I believe you can get to a point where it no longer constantly haunts you but we will always be vulnerable which means that we must be constantly vigilant for the rest of our lives.
Once an addict always an addict. I'm reading a book about brain plasticity "The Brain that change itself". The author says that the neural pathways associated with an addiction wither away during recovery but they are never completely gone. (I'm paraphrasing) That is why i said 99.9% cured, because you can never get to 100%.
I agree, we can never let our guard down. We must stay engaged in activities that improve our physical and mental health, as well as have personal relationships that support us emotionally.
I have to believe that anything is possible with the love and support of others. We may never be completely cured, but that’s ok so long as we don’t slip back into destructive behaviors. Our bodies are incredibly resilient and are capable of phenomenal change. I have been taking a supplement that creates a similar l-dopamine response as viewing porn and think many may benefit from it. The Ayurvedic name is kapikachhu (macula pruriens). I only take a level teespoon once a day. May just be a placebo effect but I don’t think so. It is commonly consumed as a nutritional supplement to support mental health in many parts of the world.
