You can’t give up

Here I lay again nearly 5 am on a Sunday. The allure of my bed is the warmth I feel, to be here with myself in a quiet world. Sure I see myself at the end, I see myself slowly descending into further sorrow. Today I won’t kill myself as I just wanna see it again. I want to feel it all over again, to be confident as there really is no weight on my life. Slowly it emerges and you begin to pray for some kind of resolve. I am not a man of the church, yet I would fall to my knees and pray. You beg until that turns into a plea, that plea turns into a message. I will not forget and I will not let this go. Whether it be society, the universe, or just a group of people. Someone wants me to give up and embrace a hollow shell. To turn my back on a life that is now seen as putting yourself in prison. I may be weak willed to my own desires, I may have more sense in focusing solely on my life. To me it sounds better to jump off a building and splatter all over pedestrians. If you read this don’t take this as I’m asking for help because nobody here knows the answer for me and I don’t know it for you. I just hope someone understands that there is power in fighting for something. That to give up is to show you just couldn’t handle the pressure anymore. Why the fuck would I want to loom over the world like a shadow? Preferring to stay inside and away like some sort of creature. The more time goes on in this, the more you want to push yourself out there into the world. Instead of stroking yourself at home, making a mess all over. You want to get out there and touch, feel, and linger on spots of beauty. Why be the man who sees everything as a weed in a garden of beauty? I want to see the beauty in a garden of weeds. I will become a weed, pushing through the layers of obstruction. If I’m beaten down today, so be it, I’ll still have words to put together to express myself. Im defiant to life as I am not so sure of what anyone else says. If I don’t like it, I’ll still listen, and ask “is that all you got” stay strong