Day 44 I'll keep today's post simple... the reflections over the past two days have been great but I'll take a break from deep introspection today. As helpful as it has all been to examine it and reflect, I'd be lying if I said part of me wasn't getting off on it. Some details I could have included would not have been included for the sake of healing but as an excuse to indulge temptations. I've felt pretty tempted today as I've reflected on my posts, so time for a bit of down-time in that respect. All in all, however, I've been feeling more positive so far this week. Work still has problems but I seem to be better at living in the moment today.
Good insight. I know that reading posts on here used to be partially for the little thrill they gave me. It's definitely something we need to be on the watch for and curb as soon as we notice it occurring. Keep taking the next right step.
Day 45 45 days... half way towards the 90 day mark! I was thinking earlier how I can find something significant in most day count numbers (30, 40, 45)... but really every day is its own victory! I have gone years without P before, but not without MO. I have gone months of only M without the P or the O. And in recent years I found myself doing months of P without MO (I will write about that sooner or later). But at the end of 90 days, if not already, I think it will be the longest I have been without any of the three. Even if it's not... each day is still its own victory! And my prayer is less about numbers and more about a change of heart.
You are on the path. There is only one way we reach our goal: one day at a time. Moment by moment, we enjoy the walk with our Lord, submitting each thought and surrendering each care to him. Your update reminds me, once again, of the last, lesser known, half of the Serenity Prayer: Living one day at a time, Enjoying one moment at a time, Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace. Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, Not as I would have it. Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will. That I may be reasonably happy in this life, And supremely happy with Him forever in the next. That sounds pretty good to me.
Day 46 Another so-so day temptation-wise. There were temptations, but they were not overwhelming. Very slight cold symptoms today though, possibly down to work stress. I need to be careful as I have my second COVID vaccination on Saturday so I don't want to weaken my body to the extent that I exacerbate any side effects. I was very fatigued after my first but I was also very stressed then too. Have been continuing to take a break from running and did some resistance exercises in my flat today. Contrary to when I'm running, it's my heart that gives in before my muscles. With running I can keep a mostly constant pace and my heart adjusts really easy, but exercising in sets is very stop-start and I feel like my heart just isn't 'tuned' for that.... managing breathing is very difficult for me and has me feeling light-headed. Nonetheless, I feel great for having done the workout and it is nice to have this break from running. I also have more reflections on temptations and needs that I've been meaning to write up, but little time to do so. I'm started and saved them in a document.
Day 47 So... social anxiety... I’m terrified of getting into fights with people I know or making them angry and losing relationships because of it. I’ve known this a very long time, but I’m starting to wonder if there’s a connection to this fetish, albeit an indirect one. This fear has roots at around the first time my curiosity regarding constraint came up, give or take a year. I had two main friends in my reception class at school and we used to fall out for the most ridiculous of reasons. Or rather, they fell out with me and pushed me away, saying “I’m not your friend anymore!” and if I remember correctly I cried each time. Once the reason was as ridiculous as we were playing superheroes and I gave away my secret identity to a lunchlady ! Only just remembered this as I write, but I used to run to the same female friend whenever I fell out with these friends. I’d later tell our teacher and she’d make these two sit either side of me and just like that we were friends again. One would usually approach me and say “Not your friend anymore… only joking!”. But it’s interesting that (again, only realising this now) in these cases I depended on others to fix my own broken relationships… as trivial as these fallouts were! The same two friends and I would later join a ‘gang’ with other boys from our class. This group also seemed to have a habit of kicking members out before soon letting them back in again, and I remember it happening to me at least once. I cried as they stood around me and chanted “You’re out of the gang!” over and over. I always fear that somebody being angry at me will be the end of a relationship, be that friendship, family, romantic, whatever. I get into “what-if” thinking… I know it’s unlikely but regardless of improbability I’m afraid of the thought “what if this really is the end of the relationship?”. It’s fear of rejection, though I feel it’s more accurate described as a fear of not being welcome in somebody’s lives. This isn’t an issue for strangers because they aren’t in my life anyway. Getting into arguments with them doesn't make me anxious at all, though of course it's still not a good idea! Anyway, to avoid relationships I - wrongly - feel compelled to know how to please people. I need them to think well of me. I try to do their thinking for them. I live inside other peoples’ heads and I can’t stop worrying about what they think of me. This is largely what drives my social anxiety and my need for isolation. Ironic, as my response to fear of rejection is to distance myself from people! I do actually like spending time with people, but I find it tiring because my brain is so alert trying to figure those people out. I know I shouldn’t, but you might say it’s an addiction in itself. The positive side is that I am often told I have a lot of empathy for people. Indeed, Gods Daughter picked up on this in her earlier response to an earlier reflection of mine. I care about what others feel (hasn’t always the case, but that’s another post) and hate seeing people upset, especially those closest to me. When I slip up and hurt people, it’s often because my own anxiety has led to something selfish (fight-or-flight is an act of self-preservation after all) and I put myself above the feelings of others, and that anxiety, somewhere down the chain of reasoning, is probably social. I hate making people feel negative emotions, but if I’m scared there’s no way around that I freeze and hurt them anyway through inaction. I’m more scared of what they think of me than what they feel themselves. So even though I’m living in somebody’s head either way, my weakness is that the knee-jerk reaction to fear in the past has been to put fear of rejection over my concern for other peoples’ feelings. It’s still an issue, but thanks to mindfulness and my growing ability to observe my body’s physical reactions to fear, I’m getting better at intercepting these reactions and putting others first. My thought train has derailed somewhat. The main point I’m trying to get to is that for good or for ill, I really do live in other peoples’ heads…. which is a clear parallel with my desire to put myself in the head of the women I fantasise about. Though because I don’t want them to feel distress or discomfort, I tend to fantasise a cool head and/or a spirit of subjectivity. In this sense, I’m not only living in their heads but in a manner of speaking also controlling their thoughts. Something else I observed as I was writing is that with social anxiety I worry about what people think, which leads to selfishness. With empathy I’m worried about what people feel, which leads to selflessness. Interesting...
Yes, same. I'm exactly like this. This is called co-dependency. You may want to look into studying "co-dependency." I've made tremendous breakthroughs in that addiction.
I am from a family of co-dependents and had to learn a lot about this as well as part of my recovery work. Time well spent. I also operated out of this "people-pleasing" paradigm for a long time. It is exhausting, and its ultimate root is simply pride: the desire to control others so that you can save face/be well thought of/etc. Sexual stuff often turns into a control dynamic when it goes off the rails. That is one way you know you are in the weeds when it comes to intimacy and relationships.
@Tao Jones That is 100% correct. I'm going to expatiate my comment a bit more in light of what Tao said, since I have a few minutes before food arrives: Pride is a mindset that separates us from who God says we are and what He establishes in life. Pride is the root cause of a lack of faith in God and who he says you are. Fear is rooted in pride. To fear is prideful. It is is saying, “I know a better way than God.” The fear that people will reject us and that we will fall apart if they do is prideful because it says, “God is not enough, therefore I need to obsess over people and understand them to a T in order to feel validated/valued.” This was me 100% ^ This is a double-edged sword, because while it is indeed GOOD to understand people well (Proverbs 4:5), to love others by empathizing, and see life from their POV, it is NOT GOOD to do so in fear (pride). We are all prone to fear, but we can overcome it when we understand God’s love for us and release our desires for “control:” “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love” (1 John 4:18). Now, these fears may be based on some traumatic things or buried broken parental dynamics, or even a desire for healthy and good relationships like good friends and family. However, these broken relational dynamics can produce wounds in the heart, and when they are not nurtured in the Father’s love and truth, we then turn to other things in an attempt to “control” to “protect” ourselves from pain. We can then begin to boast in how “compassionate” we are, when in reality we are calling evil good and not setting good relational boundaries. It is not true compassion from the Lord, but a perversion of right vs. wrong. It happens so subtly that we often don’t even realize this is what our heart is doing. I realized my personal battle with co-dependency was rooted in a fear of being misunderstood. I worked so hard to try to understand others and when they falsely accused me out of their own pain. This hurt so badly, and it drove me to secretly play the victim in my head and isolate myself from everyone. This is partly because I wasn’t equipped in my youth to handle conflict. I had to seek out help from others and ask God to equip me for this battle for a season. That's fine. The pride was in that I let fear fester and that I rejected God and turned to other things to feel loved. I didn’t even know I was doing this until God revealed it to me one day as I was studying. The hope is that even if these things are rooted in a desire for healthy friendships, God can heal them. God says you are an overcomer (1 John 5:4). God saves you if you ask for help (Psalm 91, Romans 8:31). God says you are dearly loved (Ephesians 5:1, Col. 3:12). God takes care of you and destroys the wicked (Psalm 145:20). God keeps his word, he does everything he says he will do (Titus 1:2). God satisfies the desires of all those who worship him in truth (Psalm 145:19). God is kind and tenderhearted. He crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies (Psalm 103:4). God knows your heart and will give you a new heart where you can have lasting freedom in Christ (Ezekiel 36:26). Your value and strength comes from God ultimately, Xande, and Father validates who you are. Not man (Jeremiah 17:5). Not even us on this forum. But God!
We can only move forward into the freedom of the Kingdom when we have traded in our tired, worn-out sense of self-concept for God's identity for us. When we embrace that and begin to live out of his love for us, life really starts to get interesting. And good! (Bonus points for you, @GodsDaughter , on the use of "expatiate." I had to look that one up! )
I Googled this and it is very interesting, thank you! Though are you sure this is the right word? Codependency appears to be particular one-to-one relationships, whereas what I struggle with seems to be a bit more general. I’m generally like this with anybody I come into regular contact with directly or indirectly and know at a personal level. Yes, it includes loved ones such as family and close friends, but also includes people who are not necessarily friends but whom I can’t avoid such as colleagues and neighbours, for example (some of them are friends, though!). But regardless of definition, learning about codependency has been helpful because my Googling sent me down a rabbit-hole that led me to reading about Dependent Personality Disorder, which seems to describe me a bit more accurately. I’ve copied the following from Wikipedia and emboldened what is true for me... the rest is very much not true for me! --------------------- “People who have dependent personality disorder are overdependent on other people when it comes to making decisions. They cannot make a decision on their own as they need constant approval from other people. Consequently, individuals diagnosed with DPD tend to place needs and opinions of others above their own as they do not have the confidence to trust their decisions. This kind of behaviour can explain why people with DPD tend to show passive and clingy behaviour. These individuals display a fear of separation and cannot stand being alone. When alone, they experience feelings of isolation and loneliness due to their overwhelming dependence on other people. Generally people with DPD are also pessimistic: they expect the worst out of situations or believe that the worst will happen. They tend to be more introverted and are more sensitive to criticism and fear rejection.” ---------------------- So that, except that I actually like isolation! I struggle a lot making decisions. I have a great attention to detail, which can be both a blessing and a curse. I spot potential problems, which is fine in moderation, but I spot too many potential problems. My mind tries to process all the possible outcomes of all the possible decisions, including what people think of me in each and every one of those outcomes, and whether they reject me because of it. Anxiety kicks in and decides it would be easier if I didn’t have to deal with other people at all and begins to fantasise about my isolated (and safe) universe. If no decision can be made then the freeze reflex kicks in, and I may even dissociate. My mind leaves the body and decides to become a casual observer, even though deep down I know somebody will get hurt if I don’t act and I will be pulled back into reality when they get upset. These problems don’t exist for the damsel in distress. Sure, she has the problem that her physical freedom has been taken away, and she struggles to regain it. But her success or failure, whether she frees herself or is freed by her hero or her captor, does not affect what others think of her. As long as she’s restrained, the world has to make its decisions without her. They cannot blame her for any negative outcomes of those decisions. It’s not her fault that somebody bound and gagged her. Perhaps this is part of the appeal of bondage to me. Freedom from responsibility and blame, and freedom even from the blame of having that responsibility taken away, because an external force, my captor, has taken that away from me. But there is only one external force that I need to turn to to take blame away from me: and that is Jesus. He took it away 2000 years ago and he has given me that freedom from blame. But he is not a captor. He is not a Saturday morning cartoon villain! He is loving. He gives me a choice: accept his offer of taking away my blame or reject it and try to deal with it myself. I choose the former. I choose his salvation on the cross. Thank you, Lord Jesus, and I pray that you help me to remember this and not turn to dishonourable practices, in my fantasy world where I sin against women in my eyes and my mind. You love them too. I do not deserve your love but it’s there. Thank you. Wow, I wasn’t intending to end up there in this post, but there it is Perhaps it's not so much the fear of responsibility for me but the fear of blame (and therefore rejection) --- Day 48 Today has been productive, not least for getting my second vaccination! I bumped into an old friend from my previous church at the vaccination centre, which was nice. I don’t know about other countries but here in the UK we have to wait 15 minutes after getting the vaccination, so it was nice to catch up on how the church is doing. I just realised too that catching up was a helpful distraction from wandering eyes. There were many attractive ladies at the centre and with little else to do while waiting there was a lot of potential for sinning with my eyes. Sure, my eyes still wandered where they shouldn’t have once or twice, and I’m generally better at resisting this temptation than I used to be, but the distraction was nonetheless helpful.
Day 49 I've been feeling very lethargic today, more than likely due to the vaccine. But that's good. My body is fighting and I'm becoming immune! Today was also the first day my church resumed Sunday services in the building, and I have a couple of responsibilities there, so I was slightly worried that side effects of the vaccine might render me so ill that I couldn't make it. But the church team were praying against this, and God answered. Praise God! Otherwise, I've actually spent a lot of time on NoFap today, making more effort to read other journals and support others. Sometimes I find I put so much time into my own posts that it's harder to find time to read other peoples'. But I want to give here, and not just receive. Of course, none of us can help everyone. When it comes to serving God, be it through supporting other people or otherwise, I'm often reminded of the book of Nehemiah and the rebuilding of the walls of Jerusalem. Nehemiah assigns different parts of the wall to different teams. They all have different parts but they are all building the same wall. As we seek to support others here on NoFap and elsewhere, we can't help everybody, but we can each take a portion of the wall so that everybody gets help. Besides, reading other peoples' stories is encouraging I realised today that time on NoFap is becoming a habit, and a good one at that. It's often said that the best way to break a habit (i.e. PMO) is to replace it with another (i.e., supporting one another here). I find the psychology and neuroscience behind habit reinforcement fascinating... but I'll stop there before this turns into an essay!
There are strong overlapping similarities between codependency and dependent personality disorder when it comes to dependence anxiety and insecurity. The point remains that both addictions are rooted in a fear or rejection, wanting to be seen/needed/cared for, whether it is tied to 1 person or to people in general. Based on your own analysis of yourself (because I can only make general assessments based on what is written), it sounded a little like co-dependency based on a few statements you made in regard to your parents and others, but you are correct that DPD is much more fitting description after clarifying. The thing about dependence addictions is that they could be multi-faceted and both can exist at times, and is often not 1 extreme or the other. You know yourself best! I'm glad you got the overarching point. I'm glad this helped. Please note that anything I write is not going to be a 100% "perfect description" of what you may be going through, but may often provide points that may aid you through the light and truth of the Holy Spirit to do the heart-healing work and investigation and really see what's going on.
I've been thinking and praying about this over the past week. Several things you said here are crucial. What I will unpack MAY help to shine light on the main root and fear behind your fetish. Disclaimer: When I talk about parents or parental upbringing, many people can get triggered to believe that when we talk about issues with parental upbringing, that we are somehow blaming our parents, condemning them, or not following the 5th Commandment. What I say about parents (and even my own) is never to be used as "blaming," or even used to play the "victim." What is important as believers is reminding ourselves of who our Heavenly Father says we are, rather than how our parents (often indirectly) caused us to believe lies about ourselves, themselves, or the world. The Lie of Fear and Shame and How Satan "Binds" Us: You talk about how you do not feel comfortable making decisions, and how this leads you to bondage fantasies to feel that sense of "safety." Fetishes are often rooted in fear. For yours, it is a fear that you will make a mistake, let people down, or be embarrassed at being ill-equipped to handle life's challenges. When it comes to undoing lies, we have to ask the question, "Where did we learn this?" Or, as God asked Adam and Even in the Garden, "Who told you that you were naked?" (Gen. 3:11). In their shame, they hid to find safety. So... "Who told you that you couldn't overcome challenges or depend on others to do them? That it was scary to make a mistake? That it your core identity is rooted in what others think?" In your shame, you are binding yourself to find safety. Parental Upbringing: Based on your statements, it sounds like your parents did not enable you to be free or make mistakes. Hearing how you view your parents and inferring how they may have treated you sounds quite a bit like "helicopter parenting," or "over-protective parenting." Such styles of parenting can certainly produce dependence anxiety because the child was not encouraged or equipped to go out into the world to make mistakes, to fall, to learn to get back up on their own with the help of their parents, and so forth. You say you cried to your mother a lot and refer to yourself as still being a "coward" as an adult man: Healthy parenting does not produce this. This is again, I say with grace, not to blame the mother or father... parents often mean well... but healthy motherly (and fatherly) nurturing does not suffocate or make their child dependent upon them to navigate in life. There becomes a time that the mother has to release the child and equip them to go out and take on challenges in a healthy way, while still providing nurturing and support to the child/teen. Mothers especially can be over-protective of their children (especially firstborns). You do not have to reply to this question, but rhetorically ask yourself: Are you an only child, a firstborn of your parents, or were you sickly/premature at birth? Were your parents given to fear much? Many mothers also can be quite manipulative and controlling and it can often go unnoticed because they mask it in a soft way that makes the child feel bad while making them appear as the victim. Did you notice dependence anxiety with your mother (or father)? Did she or your father take on an unhealthy role of being "needed" in this way by overprotecting you? Did they pride themselves on being "good parents" for sheltering you? Were they very strict with you? Perhaps you need to develop a reference for healthy boundaries of what healthy versions of "strictness and protectiveness" looks like with children and people. Even if you had siblings, parents can still do this to all of their children though rare. You may need to look into how over-protective parenting psychologically damages a child. Over-protective parenting appears to be "loving" and "safe" and "binding" and "secure," but it is actually the opposite. We are designed by God to be free, to make mistakes, to get back up, to be adventurous in God's green earth that He has given us to explore and have dominion over... We are "dependent" upon Him as the perfect parent, and He will give us challenges to overcome in life to strengthen us. Not wrapped away in fear. God says we have authority in Christ and are overcomers. This is critical to your getting free out of the bondage. The Playground Analogy: Little boys and girls should be out climbing trees, and getting scrapes, and being free to explore and make mistakes. The parents should be watching at a distance as the child gains confidence to get back up to see that they CAN do it. It all starts at the playground, then later when they have their first job as a teen/adult. Fathers should be encouraging their children (especially boys) to explore, to be physically active, and help them see that they can overcome challenges in the world, in nature, in relationships, in life. If a child falls and gets a scrape on the playground or gets bullied, they often run to mommy instead of daddy because they know she's going to make them feel better. We're just wired that way! A healthy mother will heal the wound, soothe the child for a time, and encourage her son or daughter to try again or teach them how to handle bullies, rather than disassociating them from the problem. If the child is especially fearful of the obstacle or person, she will walk with the child through it to help them see that they will be alright. ...There was one time as an orphanage volunteer where I had to solve a bullying situation with 2 young kids who were physically violent toward each other. This kid HATED the other kid, and I had to help them solve it. The other staff caretaker just wanted to separate the two indefinitely out of her laziness, which obviously didn't work. They just kept crying and screaming insults to each other. Within 2 days of helping them connect to their hearts, they were able to learn, manage their emotions, and stop their hatred. We as adults have to get to the heart of our own problems, and we have to help children get to the heart of their problems and teach them to use their words, rather than removing them from healthy learning and growth opportunities, AKA "challenges." God designed fathers to be a little more rough, so rather than knowing how to soothe the child, they just tell them to get back up and say "You'll be alright." Fathers definitely nurture children as well, but usually not the same way. Both parents must TEACH and EDUCATE their kids to be overcomers in life. On The Contrary: When mothers (and fathers) remove their children from threats, pains, or obstacles in the playground of this world, this creates INTENSE FEAR and ANXIETY, rather than seeing the obstacle as something that can be overcome. Perhaps they saw that you were more sensitive than other boys and cried more, and maybe they didn't know how to respond, so they didn't nurture this in a healthy way to where you could still be yourself and be sensitive, but also be an overcomer and educated on how to manage your emotions and outside "threats." So often, fathers scold the child, punish, or lecture them about how "silly" it was that they decided to do something new and get hurt, and then go on to explain how they always need to rely on mummy or daddy to be "safe." This is toxic parenting at best. Healthy parents instruct their children (in safe environments of course) so they become educated about the world and develop dynamic people skills. Unhealthy parents control their children in the name of "love." Oftentimes, our parents were not equipped themselves to know or do these things, and that's alright because God heals. My S/O and I saw a family 2 years ago at the park as he and I were playing ball together. The mother and father had a boy that was about 2 years old and he walking well, seemed to have just learned. However, when they put him on the playground equipment, they were "hovering over him" with their arms out with EVERY MOVE HE MADE. It was nauseating to watch. I was pointing the parents out quietly to my S/O and he wanted to cry in anger at how fearful these poor parents were over their little one and how it would affect the child. Kids are bouncy little things, God designed them that way, they'll get back up, but these parents did not understand children or child psychology much. Every-time the boy jumped up or expressed excitement, the mother FREAKED OUT and said "No, no no!! You'll hurt yourself! Listen to mummy!" The playground equipment wasn't even that high up, but this boy's parents were SO afraid that he'd fall and maybe cry or get a scrape. I could read the boy's body language that he was itching to run and play, but the mother wouldn't' let him. The boy was healthy physically, but his walking movements were weak, fearful, and he was locked up within himself. The father passively sat back and hovered over the child's every single move. A passive father is just as bad, if not worse in many cases, than a father who is completely absent from the child's life. Oh, how suffocating! That is "bondage" in the highest sense of the word. Very sad. Many things we see as a big deal are just not a big deal at all. This fear drives us into self-"bondage" and living because we haven't been properly equipped. It is about being equipped to handle challenges. It is about boundaries, not bondage. I'm not saying that children don't do silly things... but swinging on the curtain is strange considering the potential context of all of this. If you were allowed to get that out of your system in a healthy way, this may have not happened perhaps? Or even if you were taught earthly boundaries and life skills... That sounds like a cry for adventure as a child. Were you allowed to go out and climb trees and things and explore and be a boy much? Children require a lot of outdoor play and social activity a lot to develop healthily. Perhaps your parents didn't enable this much. What I find even more fascinating is how you look back on this as an adult man and paraphringly say, "If my parents were there, I wouldn't have hurt myself", as if this type of parental hovering is a good thing that kept you, "safe" and "protected." It's a curtain, not a mountain top dear one. Children need to make mistakes. You didn't die when you feel off the curtain, but your parents may have overreacted in the past with similar situations as if you did. If your parents didn't overreact at falling and getting hurt from the curtain, then perhaps you did, and they didn't show you how to respond to this properly. You may have internalized this overacting (or you yourself learned to overreact somewhere) and then projected this onto all of life. It sounds like your parents also made most if not all of the decisions for you and maybe micromanaged you as well, not trusting you. Trust is major for parents to show to their children. This can break their self-esteem if they do not feel that their parents trust them with big and small decisions as the child grows older. Thus, the craving for "bondage," and "bondage fantasies" are born. In my own experience, my own former fetish was born out of such fear from my own parents. It was a fear of not being able to express my needs, including an intense fear of having a pee accident. My parents overreacted, punished me, and scared me all the time and made a big deal out of needing to go, to the point where I became selectively mute, and terrified of needing to pee in public or at home. In my own way, I was "bound" in fear to the weird expectations of my parents in order to "please them" or feel "safe." This lack of safety around not being equipped to handle expressing a basic need created a fetish because I craved the freedom and safety to express a human need that I was trained by my parents to be seen as "humiliating," "taboo" and "wrong." The fetish only stayed there because of the intense shame it brought me. The shame and fear of taking care of a basic human need. Crazy stuff. ... Perhaps your parents had subconscious intense fears of the world or of God (perhaps seeing God as a task-master or punishment-based, disconnected, ungraceful, unmerciful, not willing to make mistakes to learn) that may have rubbed off on you. God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and a sound mind. 1 John 2:1-2 mentions, "IF we sin, we have an advocate with the Father through Jesus Christ..." It's not "If we sin (or even make a mistake), it's the end of the world, and God's going to strike us down or disconnect Himself from us!!!!!!!!!" Parental instruction and protection should never be seen or felt as binding, but empowering. The same goes with our relationship with God. It is not "bondage," but he empowers us to be free in Him. In Conclusion: Your heart is craving the freedom to make mistakes and explore, and overcome difficult obstacles in life, to provide for others in a healthy way. This is what God designed in men. This is what he desires for you. Your parents may not have provided that at all, or perhaps you may not have allowed yourself to make mistakes out of fear of God or being separated relationally. But you can indeed overcome this. You already are. The only way to truly learn and grow in this life is by making mistakes... and applying grace and compassion when we do. Grace and compassion come from God. You will grow by allowing yourself the freedom to make mistakes and be free to be yourself in Christ. You are craving unconditional love from the Father, and I pray that you become established in Father's unconditional love for you. That is the freedom, that is in Christ. The freedom to live, and move, and have your being. We can process healing of what our mother and father could not give you without being dishonoring to them. Honoring your father and mother does not mean saying yes to the sins they manifested in how they treated you. It means recognizing where we pass on brokenness in generations, where we have not experienced healing and renewal. I would recommend going through this resource on the father lens and knowing your identity as an overcomer in Christ. There are many free resources on his channel as well. He's helped me in my own journey. These free books are a great place to start. https://markdejesus.com/experiencing-gods-love-as-your-father/ I hope that this helps provide some clarity in your life and gives some things to ponder over as the days go on. May my words be received in grace, love, encouragement, and gentleness in a way that empowers you in God's love.
I totally get that, no worries there. At the end of the day mental health isn't as easy to define as 'this condition' or 'that condition'. A friend of mine who has very severe mental illness has a condition (or more accurately, conditions) that have been described as one thing and then another, but really there's no name for what he has. With respect to your longer analysis, to summarise, this is brilliant, thank you! I will need some time to process it before I can think of a detailed response (which I may not be at liberty to share on a public forum anyway), but in summary, one read-through has made me realise a plethora of questions that I need to ask myself. Thank you thank you thank you
Day 50 Man, work is getting tough. My job is very technical and involves a lot of thinking. I really need isolation to concentrate when it comes to creative problem-solving. But there is also time-sensitive overhead going on, that requires me to be reactive. It's incredibly difficult to keep myself in 'the zone' for the technical part, and it's really stressing me out. I would please appreciate your prayers in this, as a project I'm working on is really far behind. I've come to realise recently that my mind cannot handle rapid switching between tasks... I can feel the physical strain on my brain and it definitely exacerbates anxiety. Sometimes I try to come up with creative ways of time management so I can work on A while waiting for B switching back to B briefly when its ready then returning to A, and so on. But all this does is create stress. It's just not a mindful approach to things. I'm trying to be less obsessive about my attempts to be efficient, but work situations such as the above (the need to be reactive for one task when another requires concentration) are making it difficult. But on a positive note: 50 days! Another Biblical number... the number of days between Passover and Pentecost (hence the name of the latter). Difficult to find a recovery analogy in that one though! I haven't been exercising so much lately. This is partly due to the lethargy I'd been experiencing with my runs, but mainly so I don't spend the energy my body is using to process the vaccine. May resume exercise later this week. It's been nice to have the break from a mental perspective, too.
I hear you on the work front, My work is constant switching between low-level (reactive, less mindful, urgent) and high-level (planning, mindful, future-oriented) tasks. It can be a real bear to constantly be juggling so many details. On days when I am three levels deep into thinking and I get disturbed by an urgent (but relatively low-level) task, it makes me want to tear my hair out. But God provides. This is the job he brought me into. It is mostly very good. I just wish it wasn't so hard all the time. I suppose that is why they call it work and pay me to do it! I'll be praying that we can both find peace in the midst of these busy, stressful days. Congrats on 50! May you find a fresh move of the Spirit in you at your own personal Pentecost!
Day 51 I'll keep today's update brief. Work tough again, but I managed to be a bit more self-disciplined in not overdoing it. This is one of the areas where I tend to kind of a hypocrite... I advise people against overworking but easily fall into the trap of doing it! That said, I have rules. Never work after 9pm (though I rarely make it that late anyway) and no work on Sunday. This is not legalism but discipline. Temptations haven't been so strong lately and resistance has been relatively easy. But that's no reason for complacency. If anything, these are the times I am most vulnerable. Every day could be a reset. I could even start a hunting-and-seeking binge in the next hour. I have to assume this to stay clean. Keep on keepin' on!
Day 52 I tried sailing once. Never. Again. It didn’t suit somebody with the anxious disposition that I have. It wasn’t so much the rocking of the boat, but that fact that A) I was expected to do things and B) a lot of shouting goes on! When the shouting is directed at me (or even worse, if I’m not sure whether or not it’s at me), there’s that fear of blame that I struggle with. But in sailing – and the experienced among us made this very clear from the start – the shouting isn’t angry shouting. It’s “these waves and this motor are loud and I need you to hear me” shouting. I know this, but my fear reflexes wouldn’t have it, and probably wouldn’t if I went again (and I don’t want to anyway!). I probably could learn to get over it but I didn’t enjoy enough of the experience enough to want to! Why do I bring this us? Because this experience reminds me that shouting doesn’t necessarily mean angry, and I had to remind myself of this in a meeting just now. Sometimes we inadvertently raise our voices because we want to be understood and we fear we aren’t getting through (I actually do this a lot). We were discussing a very difficult technical problem, the literature on which was badly worded. Party A understands it one way, party B another. Neither can get their viewpoint across because due to their different backgrounds they understand things differently. Words have different meanings to different people, especially with respect to technology. Somehow we feel raising our voices makes the point easier to explain, kind of like the stereotypical scenario of a tourist attempting to communicate with a local. I was desperate to be understood because I knew I was right, and anxious because of looming deadlines, potential blame for not meeting it, etc. etc. The discussion’s getting heated. “Oh no, these people don’t like me” I thought. Terrified. But eventually we start to understand each other and we reach an agreement. But “we just argued, so maybe we’re not friends?” says my brain. That’s when I had to remind myself that non-angry shouting is a thing. And besides, even angry shouting doesn’t mean a relationship is over. I have a lot of trouble accepting this. Every argument is potentially the end. They have been the end for me, in the past, but extremely rare. It’s such an irrational fear that I struggle to let go of. Otherwise, work has been a lot better today! --- Temptations though? A bit stronger. I keep thinking about somebody I used to fantasise about a lot. I never had a crush on her, but certainly found/find her very attractive. This same friend once, while we were playing a party game involving a blindfold needed help putting it on and suddenly came out with “can somebody tie me up please?” Goodness me… my mind went racing when it heard her utter those words. I knew she didn’t mean what my flesh wanted her to mean, but it was enough to trigger all sorts of unhelpful thoughts, and I’ve struggled to shake that memory, today being a good example. Temptations can truly come from the most unexpected times and places. And sometimes it just takes words, not images. Be vigilant!
Day 53 Work was better today. Still a long way to go and I'll need to put in some hours on Saturday but things are looking up. I got back into exercise after work. Something in my gut told me to wait a bit longer before I start running again... can't really explain it but I've been running for so long and pushed myself in so many ways that with respect to running I can trust my gut instinct. So I did more resistance training for my exercise instead. Temptation-wise, so-so. No difficulty resisting but my mind felt desperate to engage in some of my practices again. Also, a slight slip-up looking at the news earlier. I was scrolling up and among the suggested articles a woman in the accompanying picture had exposed cleavage and I caught myself doing a double-take and scrolling down for another look. Not exactly P of course, but slightly annoyed that I did that, because there was no other reason for me to scroll back other than my own lustful instinct. Fetish aside, breasts are a huge weak point of mine, and just seeing a chest like this in completely normal circumstances can still trigger a destructive chain. The women I drew would always have breasts I like, so seeing a busty woman in a low-cut and/or skin-tight top can easily trigger a desire to re-engage in my fetish drawings. Thankfully, this small slip-up didn't cause a destructive chain. That said, my mind misses the drawing, and it's a temptation I face day-by-day.
