Wondering about differing reactions from differing SOs

I have two thoughts. First there are many women and men for that matter who just don’t really like sex. Some people may even be asexual so it can happen. They still long for relationships just not sex. I also have many married friends that would be thrilled to be in a sexless marriage they only have sex to appease their spouse. If this is the SO then they would be glad to have you use PmO to sexually satisfy yourself because they don’t have to. The second is that not all women get their self worth from their looks. The reason imo women get hurt so much by porn use is that society has taught us that women are supposed to be pretty and sexy. We are getting better but men unlike women are valued if they are good providers etc. The prettier the woman the worse it is. Why? Because they have always been complimented or recognized for their looks. From a young age “oh what a pretty little girl she is.” Little girls are not complemented for their intelligence like boys are. The woman thinks for me to be worthy I must be desired. So when a man does not desire her it is about so much more than her looks. Personally I was a “pretty little girl” I was in beauty pageants and did modeling as a child. Even into adulthood I was complimented on my looks all the time. One of the main reasons I became a lawyer was so I could prove to people that I was more than just a pretty face. On the flip side women who do not receive attention based on looks alone tend to have higher self esteem. I know it makes no sense but it’s true the most attractive women are usually the most insecure. Why? Looks will fade and if you think that’s all you have to offer that scares you. I think all women would be bothered by pmo but the more value a woman derives from her looks the worse it will be.

 

A dating blogger I follow says it like this “men look for sex and find love. Women look for love and find sex.” What that means is that on a first date most men decide whether they want to sleep with you. If the answer is no it’s game over. Women decide not whether they will sleep with you but whether they could absolutely never sleep with you and as they get to know you better then they decide if they do. Men usually have sex first and then after that figures things out. It’s hard for women because in order to have any chance in this day and age of finding a relationship you have to have sex with many men who will then decide they have not found Love. If you don’t you are out of the game heck you are not even near the playing field. Women that are seen as very attractive or sexy often have a harder time in dating. Because some men simply can’t see past the desire to sleep with them. So the man does not think about how they have zero compatibility until after they have had sex and their mind clears. Making men hold out for sex does not work either you would be amazed how long and how much effort men will put in to bed a pretty girl and then once they do they will enjoy it for awhile and then tell her they have decided that they are just not compatible. I am not sure what the answer is and certainly there are exceptions to the rule not it’s true that men and women are just different in that way.

 

This is waaaay over-generalizing. Define "HOT" --- men and women have different sexual templates.

Good, healthy sex is not about objectifying another human's body only. "Hot sex" happens when two people are really connected and intimate and sharing a great experience together that they both enjoy. The stuff that happens in porn is not real life. What real man truly wants a relationship with a porn-looking "hot" woman who is selling herself by getting attention to be objectified?

Yes, yes, yes. Just take a look at clothing departments for little boys and little girls. This is cultural. Long, loose swim trunks for boys. Bikinis for girls. Look at toy departments. Barbies (not a real woman) for girls. Legos for boys. Well --- they do make pink and purple Legos for girls. (sarcasm) It's sickening.

 

Maybe she is walled off from intimacy so as not to have to face the painful reality of the messy sexual relationships.

It can be a form of self protection. Sometimes we SOs can be so frustrated with not having a 'normal' template by which to base our sexual identity (usually daddy issues or previous sexual acting out shame), that we go for the next best reliable way to feel OK.

Here comes the madonna whore complex. We shall be sweet innocent women of chastity rejecting our sexuality all together.

It's all a form of psychological splitting which a good therapist could help straighten out.

 

This is where I am at. I do not equate my husband's addiction to porn as a rejection of me. I know I'm a damn good catch and I believe my husband thinks so too. (I'm also quite humble. ) Even if his stupid addiction made him miss out on "all this" for a few years. It was never because I wasn't willing, that's for sure. Of course, at the time I just figured his drive was lower than mine, because mine is rather high, or that he had work stress, etc.

But that doesn't take away the fact that I have had betrayal trauma hit me pretty hard. Obviously, it hasn't affected my self-esteem, but it has taken its toll in other ways. I question my judgement now. How did I not see this for so long? I feel stupid and It feels like every memory for the past 20+ years is now tainted. I look back and wonder, and often times can now see, how PMO was involved in this situation, in that situation. The memories flood in and suddenly things make perfect sense that didn't before, but were long forgotten. It was there from the beginning of us, before the beginning, and permeated everything. I just didn't see it. So now it feels like it was all shrouded in a lie. Like it was all real, but packaged in a lie, if that makes sense.

I'm still angry at him about it. As I've mentioned in other posts, I hold that inside because I don't want the conflict and I'm working through it on my own, but i find myself not wanting to be affectionate with him. Sex I can do, affection I have a hard time with. Sometimes when he comes up behind me and hugs me, I have to fight the urge to push him away. Holding hands, same thing. Physical touch is his first love language and my last so this is already a challenge for me even on our best days. I keep reading about karezza here and on the one hand, it seems useful and on the other hand, I find it nauseating. To be fair, that would be hard for me even if I weren't dealing with these feelings. I'm trying. I force myself even when I don't want to. I don't let it show. It does get a little better each time. I think.

And then I tell myself that I know he truly loves me and always has, because I believe from the very depths of my soul this is true. So I have to work through those tainted memories because I know our experiences together were real and deep, but now they are different. I have to work through those and get back to the here and now, where he is genuine about wanting to kick this addiction for good. This I do know for sure.

 

By turning ourselves into the sex less 'madonna' we ensure our self protection. Not being sexual means you are not risking intimacy which can lead to rejection (especially if your So is PA).

Therefore being the madonna, the perfect wife in every other way ensures our self esteem stays in tact.

It's all a formal of psychological splitting and no good comes of it in the long run.