Wife In The Dark - my story (crazy long - sorry)

Hi there. I've been married to a porn addict for 17 years. We have two kids.
I found out about my husband's addiction about 13 years ago when I found pornographic images on his computer.

But maybe I should start at the beginning. At least where I entered the story.

I met my husband online when we lived on opposite coasts. He was planning a trip with his family to my coast and I agreed to show him and a friend of his the local sights. Afterwards, We talked online frequently and, over time, we formed a friendship. Time passed. I was dating other people and was telling him about my latest breakup when he started getting upset. A mutual friend told me it was because he was interested in me and was frustrated hearing about the men in my life. Since things weren't working out with the men I'd been choosing lately, I figured, why not try something totally different. (I usually am attracted to outgoing, creative types and he was shy and ultra conservative.) So, we started long distance dating. I flew to his coast and he visited mine. We talked online and on the phone constantly. Love!

He convinced me to leave my coast behind and move to his. So I did.
Dating in person was significantly different. We hung out, commuted to work together, hung out with his friends, attended religious services together, ......spent a lot of time together. Through this time, I was really lonely. I chalked it up to not having many friends in my new coast. My self esteem was really low. I cried myself to sleep a lot of nights. Most nights.

Did I mention that, because of our shared religion, we don't believe in sex before marriage? So I was in my early 20's, a virgin, far away from home, and lonely. This man was my lifeline to my new life. I met all my new friends through him.

We got engaged five or six months after I moved to the same coast.

I broached the subject of sex. Although I could admit to masturbation, he swore up and down that not only did he NOT masturbate, he had NEVER masturbated. I was like, 'seriously? Is he for real? This guy is some sort of saint!'. He was shy, nervous, but seemed eager to please. I figured, if I can't make it work with a guy this psychologically healthy, I can't make it work with anyone!

Fast forward to our honeymoon.

He didn't seem interested in seeing me naked or having sex. Two virgins in their 20's. I was horrified. I finally convinced him, after a substantial bit of alcohol that we had to at least consummate our marriage but it wasn't at all what I had thought and hoped and dreamed a wedding night would be like. It was all around embarrassing. The naked cuddling was great. But everything else was a crushing disaster.

I'd waited my whole life to find the 'one'. I'd been 'good girl' and waited for marriage to have sex and the man I'd just promised my life to WASNT INTERESTED IN SEX. I was lost. I was depressed. I was convinced that this was the result of all of my physical and emotional flaws.

After the honeymoon.....

We settled into our lives. I would talk and be greeted with silence from my new husband in the other room on the computer. I finally convinced him to at least grunt or make some small sound to acknowledge that he could hear me from the other room. I was lonely.

One of the things that attracted me to my husband was his love of children and the fact that he wanted a family. But, after we'd been married for a couple of years and 30 was fast approaching, he was less interested in the idea. I had no idea why. I'd gone off birth control but we weren't getting pregnant. He was only semi interested but when I suggested I should get fertility testing, he agreed. I endured invasive, painful, uncomfortable testing, only to find out that I was plenty fertile. All the while he KNEW that it was because he was masturbating so frequently that he had little to no sperm left!

We went on a vacation where we shared a cabin with another couple. Since he couldn't escape to PMO like he normally did, he was potent and I got pregnant.
I was thrilled! It was finally happening!

Then I miscarried.

He confessed that he was relieved because he hadn't been ready to be a father or take on the financial burden of fatherhood. This was crushing. I was devastated at the loss of my child and my spouse was relieved. He faithfully drove me to and from my d & c afterward and took me to a movie to cheer me up. I got on antidepressants (honestly, I should have been on them for years early I think).

Life went back to normal. Normal for us was not great. We fought a lot. I had more self esteem, being on anti depressants and insisted we needed to get better. We saw a marriage counselor. He blamed our relationship woes on my inability to budget. I blamed him for not caring about me. It was an endless cycle of fights and silences. He blamed our unhappiness on me. I blamed him.

The next shrink he saw on his own. It was a man this time and he could finally open up and be honest with him about his PMO and porn addiction. The shrink thought that I needed to be a part of the conversation. I can't remember if I found the porn on his computer before or after these shrink visits. It happened so many times that it is all blurred together in my memory. But this shrink thought we should try watching porn together and make it part of our sexual intimacy.

Instead of being a part of our lovemaking, he would masturbate across the room from me and that was our night. No joy. After a couple of attempts at this, I said no more. I didn't enjoy it, felt dirty afterwards, and it didn't make him want me anymore than before.

Around this time, I got pregnant again (so there must have at least been LESS PMO). I was extremely ill to the point of being bedridden. I didn't have the strength to sit up or dial a phone. It's a condition called hyperemesis gravidarum. Our new routine was- he would cook me scrambled eggs and slice me a green apple. Then he'd leave for work. I would vomit all day long, sleep, and just be generally miserable and exhausted. I would crawl to the bathroom and then crawl back to bed. (Super sexy, right??)

By the time my husband got home from work, I was starving (after all the vomiting and trying to grow a baby inside me) but instead of feeding me, he would go hide out on his computer PMO'ing. (I didn't know this at the time. All I knew was that he would come home and immediately get on his computer instead of caring for me.) I lost a total of 28 pounds. I was desperately sick. I was exhausted and depressed and a few times the idea of just shuffling off this mortal coil was welcoming. After about four or five months, things got better. I was only omitting a handful of times a day and my strength was coming back.

We decided to move to a bigger apartment, and during the move, I found a stash of vhs tapes. He had been getting up in the middle of the night, while I was sleeping to record and watch porn. I accidentally found the evidence, in front of my best friend, no less. Mortifying.

Around this time, my husband said he would stop the porn. A couple months later, we moved to another state and decided to not get internet in our new place. (If you're keeping score, that's two moves in one pregnancy where the pregnant person throws up off and on all day. I'm so super glamorous.) Anyway, after a while, he declared himself cured. The baby was born (yay, finally!!!) and, for a period of time, he started commuting out of state for his job and just coming home on the weekends. So, no sleep, raising a newborn on my own.....good times. His job eventually stabilized although he really hated his new position in the company. He hated his job, his coworkers, and had a crying, pooping newborn at home and his wife was an exhausted, stained, lactating, unshowered mess.

Internet returned. Thus, sitting in front of the computer, holding my newborn, I found porn again. After this happening several times, I realized that policing him was not good for either of us. Every time I found more lurid pictures, my blood pressure would skyrocket and I'd get so angry that I really felt like I might be in danger of having a heart attack or a stroke. And each time I confronted him over it, he would just get more angry and secretive.

He claimed he had a handle on things and I resigned myself to not policing him.

Fast forward 13 years. ( I know by now, if you're still with me you've got to be GET TO THE POINT ALREADY, right???)

So now, I know he masturbates frequently. I really believed he had given up the porn. Turns out -no. He just hid it. And password protected everything he owned.
Casually, in a conversation, he mentions that he had looked at porn "around three months ago". His body language screams that he's lying. The tough part for me is usually trying to puzzle out which part of his statement or our conversation he's lying about. I know right off the bat that the time frame is a lie. So a few days later, I sit down and talk to him about how much this reveal bothered me.

I realize how angry I am and start seriously considering divorce.
I do some research and discover that our religion doesn't consider this a significant problem to warrant divorce. I believe in my religion. It works. So now I have to figure out if I can survive my life as it now stands.

I gave him an ultimatum. Basically saying that, although I couldn't divorce him, I could leave him, and take our kids. It's porn or me and the girls. Your choice. I'm DONE. The end. No more. I'm out.

He was scared. He saw the truth of my words. Within hours, he called an overseer of our religion and made an appointment to talk to him. I was really surprised. I felt better after my ultimatum and was trying to figure out how I was going to rent a small apartment for myself and our girls and the financial logistics of how our new lives were going to be. How was I going to explain to them why I was leaving their father in a way at wouldn't emotionally scar them any more than was neccasary? I was so totally shocked that he took me seriously enough this time to ACTUALLY CHANGE. I hadn't anticipated that at all.

He joined the Reddit version of NoFap. After about a week of abstinence from masturbation and PMO, he told his story on there. He started journaling again (a recommendation of his shrink 13 years ago) in the very same book he used all that time ago. He confessed that he was too angry and resentful of having to give up the porn the last time and that, in his heart, he blamed me and hadn't really wanted to change. This time, he says, is really different. He's more grown up, more mature, and truly wants to change. He is now on day 25.

When he showed me his contribution to the NoFap community, I decided I wanted to check it out for myself. I joined NoFap here (the Reddit version is harder to navigate imho) and so this is my story. I've been reading many of yours and have especially been heartened by @TheWife and all your kind responses to her. It's been educational reading about porn addition from both people who fight with it and also from the viewpoint of other wives and significant others who are trying to live with and/or support someone battling it.

Thank you, one and all for sharing this journey!

-S

 

Okay, now that I've gotten my/our history out of the way, here's what really prompted me to login and write something of my own today....

The first two weeks of my husband's NoFap were kind of amazing. It was like the honeymoon we never had. Conversations that were meaningful, honest and full of emotion. Cuddling and connecting. I loved it.

And then he said/did something that really hurt my feelings. I can't remember what it was. But our fragile new bond was damaged. On the upside, I was able to express my pain and instead of responding angrily that I was attacking him, my husband listened, apologized, and we agreed to move past it.

Then life started getting busier. A week later, I'm realizing that I don't feel connected to him and we aren't cuddling and it just feels like there's a complete disconnect.

I was reading a few days ago about the lazy way to maintain intimacy (loved that!). It listed things like hugging and maintaining eye contact for specific lengths of time.

When I brought up the feeling of disconnect with my husband he felt attacked and blamed even though I tried to make it clear that I was just trying to figure out where we went of track to get us back there. He agreed to think about it at work today and try to let 'the angry' wear off before talking about it more.

What I want to know is --- are my expectations too high? Was that couple of weeks of closeness on a clock and maybe I should just be okay with letting it go? I really, really liked the new him that he revealed and now he's back to being "in his man cave" mentality where I'm just supposed to support him and make him feel safe and loved and appreciated and not get anything back. The more disconnected I've been feeling, the more I tried to cuddle and talk to him.....which is why he was unaware there even WAS a disconnect.

I'm afraid that just being supportive with no affection and support back is just going to reinforce our OLD (pre NoFap) life and way of interacting and I'm setting us both up for failure by just basically encouraging him to be emotionally lazy. Reaping benefits without putting in equal work. He can just hit the "easy button", continue to be self absorbed, and not be emotionally engaged.

Help, please! I need advice!!!!!

 

Thanks for the kind words of encouragement. We've discussed the flatlining quite a bit. I've always had a healthy sex drive which, due to PMO, he's found annoying and a chore and so I get turned down a lot. He was quick to explain flat lining because he wanted it to be clear that, just because he'd stopped PMO, he wasn't interested in sex and hasn't much libido.

He's encouraged me to watch Ted talks and read up on the issues surrounding NoFap so I feel sort of educated. But it's always hard to see the forest for the trees. In other words, seeing which stuff applies directing to this situation in the moment.

The surge you're referring to.....is that the surge in energy and brainspace a lot of younger men seem to get after abstaining? Husband is waiting on his "superpowers" to kick in. He says he often wakes up tense and angry (at nothing, just in general) and he's getting better At recognizing the false reasoning and justications that his brain tries to trick him with. But no surge yet.

I'm just trying to be supportive of this journey in the right way without being co-dependent. While he has to give up his old way of thinking and being self centered, he also has to (at some point, maybe not now) step up and be an actual equal partner in our marriage. I want to support him but not encourage him to not hold himself partially accountable for our relationship.

 

I am working daily at managing my expectations.
I've lived most of the last 17 years sexed deprived. On a good month, we'd have sex maybe three times. We've had a couple of long weekend vacations where we did it like monkeys which were amazing. Since PMO was always in the background, I have no idea what a "normal libido" for him would even be. We've had sex a few times since he's been NoFap. I initiated except for once he woke up in the middle of the night excited that he finally got a boner and we celebrated by having sex.

So I'm hoping this means his libido will be returning soon.
I just got so hopeful that we were finally going to have a "real" marriage and relationship and I'm starting to think maybe what I'm hoping for is still just too far out of his comfort zone to ever be a reality.

 

I wish. He's repeatedly reminded me about being flatline. I mentioned that I have a stash of lingerie he's never seen and he was very clear that he wasn't ready and that I shouldn't push the subject until he's ready.

It's not easy being a woman with blue balls.

 

He LIVES with his laptop. He's exchanging one addiction for a less damaging one at the moment. My girls and I love to play minecraft so around the time he went NoFap, he also started playing that. So he watches tv while playing minecraft or other computer games.

I decided years ago that policing his online/computer activity was not in either of our best interests. So when he says he's 25 days clean, I'm taking him at his word. I've reiterated several times that a relapse will not hurt me and our relationship nearly as much as HIDING a relapse or LYING about a relapse would. I want him to feel like he can talk about it without fear of reprisal.

So am I skeptical? Am I suspicious? In a word, yes. I'm trying to trust him. We'll see how that works out.

 

I am really liking minecraft too so I have no issue with that. It's the constant screen time that I think may be holding us back.

In the past week we are spending our time side by side, with the television on, not cuddling, and generally with at least one computer screen being used....usually his. I think this is a big part of our disconnect. There is ALWAYS a screen in the room. It's maddening.

 

While I would LOVE to just say no more gaming, I don't want to kill his 26 day streak by making his life even harder. I feel like, if he has to give up ALL his addictions at once, he would fail. So we talked about needing more intimacy, more cuddling. The screen time makes that difficult. I told him that for now, I don't expect him to give it up. But at some point, when he has more fap free days under his belt, (maybe 90?) that I will expect him to really cut back on gaming too. For now, he is really struggling and using the gaming as a de-stresser. It's not great. It could be better. But this is a lifetimes' worth of bad habits he's trying to break. I'm so greatful that he's finally doing it. I want to make that as easy for him as possible.