Why Most Addicts Don’t Succeed

All you ask? Sounds like you’re asking a lot. I’m not a seer, just a dude who got a little further than most. I’ll see what I can do.

I straight up don’t know if sex will ever be worth it because I don’t know exactly what sex costs you, or what you expect out of it. Porn simultaneously glamorizes and cheapens sex; it depicts sex as something it is not. The best comparison is police work on TV vs. real life. On TV it’s drug busts and gun fights, undercover, catching the bad guys and dealing justice. Big hero stuff. In real life it’s traffic stops and paperwork, noise complaints, paperwork, domestic disturbances where abuse is clearly going on but you can’t do anything about it, and the occasional adrenaline spike where you genuinely fear for your life in the moment, then fear for your job in the aftermath, and mounds and mounds of paperwork. It’s like TV cops aren’t even showing the same job. Porn does a similar slight of hand by making sex look like it’s easy and free, impulsive, instant gratification, no anxiety, no pressure, just enjoying the moment and enjoying one another in whatever power dynamic it is they want to show, and everyone walks away satiated and happy and that’s not reality. Sex will rarely, if ever, be just a few of those things, let alone all of those things at the same time. I’ve never experienced it, anyway. In that sense sex will never meet the unrealistic expectations we invest in it, because we are chasing a lie. This is part of what I am talking about when I say we have to disabuse ourselves of the lies porn told us. We have to adjust our expectations to something more realistic, and unfortunately, I can’t tell you what a more realistic expectation of sex is. I can tell you I know a NoFap alum who decided no sex really is better than dealing with all the side effects, and he says his wife agrees. He does still experience chaser, he is still bothered by visual triggers in media. He is able to enjoy the basic pleasures of life because he stays so far away from sexual things, and he absolutely believes this lifestyle is worth it. He has a clarity of mind that he never experienced while using porn, or even when he pursued healthy sexuality. He is a better friend and support for his wife, he is a better father, and the part that is incomprehensible to an addict tight in the grip of addiction, he does not miss it. He understands the thrill of the addiction, he knows the bursts of pleasure, and he still would rather trade it for the emotional and mental stability that a sex-free life offers.

Theoretically, it’s possible to fully recover to a pre-addiction brain. The mind is highly plastic, it can change. Realistically, I’ve yet to be in a healthy relationship while recovering so I can’t say what is or isn’t possible. Furthermore, every person, every relationship, has different dynamics in play so even if it did work for me, I don’t know what kind of changes you would need to make, or if it’s even possible for it to work for you. This is what I can tell you. For me, things start improving around day 14, and they keep improving until around day 60 and I genuinely wonder, every time, how I could forget how good normal life can be without the fog of porn addiction obscuring my way. There is less anxiety, less angst, things that felt like the worst was happening barely seem like an obstacle. It’s not a question of intellect or willpower, I simply feel better. And life is easier when I don’t have to fight myself to get out of bed and participate in normal human interaction. I do have to fight my eyes and my intrusive thoughts, but I find that preferable.

The worst is the first few weeks, even month, month and a half, where you have to fight to participate and fight your own body. That’s the hard part to get through, and that’s another reason most people don’t make it. It’s a poor game design, making the tutorial the hardest, but c’est la vie. Que sera, sera.

The most hope I can offer is that life is better now than it was before. Not your ideal, but nothing could ever match your ideal. Then maybe one day you will experience a relationship that is different from anything you expected, but better in the best possible ways.

 

Yeah man, no offense taken, I know exactly the feeling of respect you find, followed by that plummeting feeling of seeing that dude has not figured it out over the long term.

So you’ve seen my posts, right, you’re going to get more than a few lines or a paragraph. Saying and knowing everything I did, how was it that I wasn’t able to stay sober?

Let’s take a look at my journal, the one I don’t use anymore for complicated reasons I’ll explain in a minute. What was I up to on July 2, 22? I was 102 days into a streak, still having trouble with having intimacy without feeling triggered. When did I end that streak, and why? I made it to 181 days, and fantasies had been creeping up. Not porn, just… not dismissing the intrusive thought right away. Letting it sit a little. Then I got sick, a little scratchy throat, and boom. I let that intrusive thought sit too long, it got away from me, I masturbated to it. Then I got right back on that horse and did another 197 days. And it was rough for the last few weeks of that, but I finally succumbed. I struggled for a long time after that, then got my footing again in July of 2023. I lasted until September 18th of that year and then imploded, and I didn’t really get anything back until this streak I’m on now.

Complacency is one reason I slip. I just let eroticism gradually insinuate itself into my thoughts. Just a little. No harm done. Just s little more, not enough to tip me over the edge, though. Then

BAM!!!

Got me.

The other thing is, without getting into personal particulars, I have not been in a good life situation for a long time. I’ve had depression so long I forgot what it was like to not be depressed, it was my normal. I was questioning my own sanity, and was encouraged to think of myself as permanently, irreparably damaged. My mental state degraded since back at that 181 day streak, and it got much worse until the whole thing broke and I was pulled out of that situation by force. I’m now feeling way better, I’m feeling about as mentally sharp as I was back when I wrote this original post in 2022. Maybe I’m on a trajectory to fully recover my mental health. I do know not using porn is part of that, though, and it is my hope that being in a better mental state is going to help me remain abstinent. It’s a mutually reinforced situation.

Don’t let my struggles discourage you. Don’t ignore it, either. Remember, from that original post: porn isn’t the problem. Porn is a bad solution, to patch the problem, and it causes more problems. You have to uncover why you use porn in the first place, and address that issue.

 

On one hand, resetting a counter all the time reinforces the shame & demoralization cycle. On the other, compromise with addiction also keeps us trapped, so it’s important to maintain high standards. We have a conflict of interest.
I have attempted to address this through a more elaborate “challenge.” Most challenges are based on streak milestones, with a specific aesthetic slapped on the top. Mine has a points system that rewards positive behaviors, and allows you to salvage a reset if you don’t binge. However, calculating points is relatively clunky to simply counting days. It’s not a popular challenge. Others maintain a calendar, giving themselves a green day if they stay clean and a red one for an infraction. Then they can reflect on a majority of clean days, even if they are spaced so they interrupt a streak. This is similar to the percentage method you mention. However, this also requires extra work, and I still believe consecutive days clean matters. I don’t have a perfect solution for this problem.

I tend to agree, I think this is a more advanced situation. AA gives out month long chips and ten year chips, but not 42 day chips, if you understand me. I also think “It’s not about counting days” is true regarding long term recovery, but is easy to abuse as an excuse to not take addiction seriously. If you’re not racking up days, weeks, months of sobriety, that’s a problem and a sign you need to alter your approach, examine your disciplines. If you consistently slip around day 30-35, that needs attention, not a dismissive wave of “oh that doesn’t matter for long term recovery.” It kind of does matter. You’re still in a cycle.
Especially in our case, where we think of 90 days as a long time and a lofty goal, days really do matter. It’s as much a positive thing as a negative. I’m on day 61 right now. That’s pretty good for me, lately. I need the victory to keep me going.

In the short term, not using porn to cope with distress counts as being out of the addiction, and that includes intentionally seeking out mild, PG-13 type content, and playing fantasy scenarios in your imagination. Longer term, not having to consciously alter your lifestyle to avoid using porn, that is recovery. And even longer term, being completely unbothered by porn or sexual stimulation, with no risk for relapse, is recovery. This would be the equivalent of a former alcoholic being able to drink socially again, and this is possible but exceedingly rare. I don’t know that this sort of total recovery is a realistic goal, not that it even should be. There’s not really an acceptable amount of porn, or objectification, a person should engage in. There’s a degree society deems acceptable, but I personally don’t agree with those standards.

I believe sex is for procreation and pair-bonding. Those are the biological uses for it. Using it for voyeuristic entertainment is a misappropriation of its purpose, and using any sexually charged image, for entertainment or advertisement, is on that spectrum of misappropriation. I don’t think there should be any laws against it, and understand there’s always going to be people abusing, under my strict standards, sexually suggestive imagery in exchange for attention. Humans, especially males, find sex intensely interesting, it’s the way we are and that aspect is too tempting to refrain from manipulating. I’m also considered a puritanical fanatic and a killjoy for holding this opinion, but I also have abused light, acceptable imagery for skeevy, creepy, unacceptable purposes that do not honor sex for what it should be, or the women represented.