Why I started? The story I am going to tell u guyzz is about me and I think I had faced enough and evryone can relate something or the other from this story. From a very young age, I got access to porno graphy , I was like 12 or something. I used to watch it hiding from my family and jerking off to hot wwe divas, watching porn, actresses etc. I thought it was very normal and the condition was under control. I was in 9th standard i fall I love with a girl but never had the courage to tell her. I was very awkward with girls since I was kid. I used to be that cold, sigma, and attitude guy. I didn't give a fuck and never ever addressed my feelings towards the other person. And I used to fap often like sometime 2 times in a day or 5 times in a week. I was in love with her for 4 years but never had the courage. I used to just pray to God to please make us be together. Cut to 2020 when everybody was in their home due to lockdown. I started obsessing about my hair and I used to cry why I was having so much of hairfall. I used to think I should have long hair, muscular body and piercing like typical Instagram models. So I cut my hair which is not allowed in my religion in order to reduce hairfall. That's when headaches started. My head was heavy 24/7. My sleep cycle was also fucked up. I got into more porn and fapping, social media, binge watching and zero studies. I lost all my focus and when I was trying to concentrate on studies, I found myself getting distracted. I freaked out coz I was a bright child before covid. My headaches started to grow and I also got medical care but doc said everything was fine. My biological cycle must be fucked up. Cut to my admission to college, my headaches improved. I was excited to go to college. I made many friends, flirt with girls there were hell lot of girls who were so hot. I started fapping even more. FYI I was always an extrovert. I got into a dance society and I was a really good dancer. The whole college knew who I was, because of my extrovert nature and dance. That's when I fell into love for this girl in college, she was in my class and we were like beat friends. She was cute, pretty, and so hot. But as usual I decided to distance myself from her and not to tell her how I felt. But eventually she got to know. I was also sure that either she is my gf or I want some time for my feelings to fade away. But still we got into a relationship. But I guess I was not ready. I was not feeling at ease in relationship. Whenever I was with her I used to have headaches. Till this date I don't know why?? I cried and told her that I think it's not working, but the thought of moving away from her freaked me out, she cried and told leta work it out. But even after so much of trying, I was not able to be 100℅ in the relationship. I always used to have these thoughts that I should leave. Though she was really kind and supportive but just a little childish. I used to have these thoughts to just run away. Also I got my knees injured and had to leave dance but she was really supportive. (God bless her) ❤ It was going on and off with her until I told my mother about these headaches. And she contacted a priest and he said there was something wrong with my horoscope. We got some rituals done and within a weak my headache disappeared. This was some crazy shit happening. I gave her commitment that she was my girlfriend and told her that all the headaches have gone. We spent 3 months together. We had great time and we were really hot together. The whole college was jealous. We got really close and had first makeout that was really sexual. That's when things changed. When I was with her I was not feeling that much of joy as I thought I would. It was her first time though, but me being in love with her I should have supported her but instead of that I started judging her of not knowing stuff. I also started judging her for her size. Also during our oral sex I started sucking on her fingers and wanted her to grab my butt as I was grabbing her. That's when I thought " Wait, why am I liking this, I am a guy, do guyz like to suck on their girls finger, do guyz like their ass being grabbed and spanked. What I saw in porn is not like this. Men are all dominant and wild. " On the other hand I was not dominant like them and I wanted her to do wild stuff just as girls do in the porn with guy's dick. I was not feeling that rush and all these thoughts during the makeout made me feel Am I gay? If not then why am I not feeling this, why I like her to grab me. What is up with me.? I started to control her, like where is she, call me right now, who is that guy and stuff which is not healthy I know. But I knew I was doing wrong but still I don't know why was I doing all that. And finally she asked me if I will stay with her forever or not. That's when I freaked out again. And things started to get worse. We used to make out still but as soon as I was done I wanted to leave her. I know I was giving her so much of pain but even I was not at ease. Those mysterious headaches, gay thoughts, not feeling those makeouts. I only had a desire to cum and not to spend time with her. Finally I decided to close this shit. We broke up and I never cried so much in my entire life she cried too. I was feeling that I gave her all the pain and she still remained with me and try tu understand me. I was in so much of guilt. A girl like her was a gem and I lost her. . My headaches remained, and my porn consumption and internal hate, guilt got higher. I missed her, wanted her but I knew if I went to her again I might hurt her again. A soul like her deserves love and happiness and not toxicity. I held back. My gay thoughts got even intense. I fapped so muchh that even porn was not giving me pleasure. I got into severe anxiety and depression. Like literal depression where I was just on my phone whole day, crying in guilt and pain, abusing God for doing such a wrong thing with me like Why was I not good enough to keep her lovely face with me, her arms, her touch her love. Even writing this makes me cry. It been 6 months since we broke up, we are in no contact zone. But I still miss her, cry missing her. But I also know that I am really messed up and I need to get my life together. I cannot be a person, so rude, so brutal with feelings, so weak. I don't know but my mind is always in a denial to everything. It's like it not letting anything positive inside of it. That's when I started NoFap to deal with my gay thoughts ( or h ocd I don't know) , my cold nature, my reluctance to feelings, my inability to make decisions, my wrong attitude and my loneliness and find real intimacy. I am on 14th day I don't what is gonna happen, will we meet again, will we end up together, what is up with my constant headaches, is it some evil spirit who is stopping me, how will my life turn out to be. But one thing is sure, I will complete 90 days by hook or by crook and then prove myself to the universe that I don't want to be like this my entire life. I want to live freely and mentally strong and if possible with her again.
