So I told you all about the story of how I went 30 days without porn back in June. My desire to draw was burning hotter than a furnace back then, and every project was met with constant devotion and intense attention to detail. I returned from my trip to Florida at the the end of June with a severe illness; a cold bordering on pneumonia symptoms. I spiraled out of control since then, but as of the last two days, I've sat down, watched porn voluntarily, but I just look at it and think, "Why? I'm getting NOTHING from this." Unlike before, I'm actually cognizant now. It used to be that porn would send my mind into a complete haze. I'd have no memory of even picking up my phone to search it. Moreover, I don't know WHY I am doing it, when in reality, I don't want to! Yet, when I sit down to try and draw, unlike back in June/July I'm met with constant frustration. I don't have the flow, the energy I had previously in my art. I could sit, draw and warm up for hours. Studies, sketches, characters you name it. At the same time, I feel this artistic idea, pulling at the corners of my mind. An entire fantasy world that if I could just tap into it, get it on paper... I could get lost in it and say goodbye to this vile practice of masturbation and self "pleasure" (if one can call it that). Where do I even begin? How do I determine what made me stop before, and how do I reignite that fire for my passion? It's not only confusing, it's frustrating to the point of rage induction!!!
