Why am I doing this?

A little background to begin with.

WARNING: The next few paragraphs are riddled with possible triggers and very graphic detail of sexual things that I've tried and that have happend to me in the past. Only read through that if you feel comfortable enough and know you won't relapse after doing so.

Also if you want to skip the graphic stuff of my history, you can just scroll down and start reading from the bolded word "lately"!

Age 4 or 5: A family member was playing was sitting on their bed with their penis out and I walked in and was doing something. He asked me to give him head and that if I did he would pay me money. Although I remember almost doing it, I said no. He later told me not to ever do anything like that if anyone asked me to do it.

Age 5: molested by the same family member as above while play wrestling. They are about 8-9 years older than me. He basically pretended to have anal sex with me. I had clothes on though, and he had his underwear on. I remeber thinking that it felt good, and I took my clothes off to my underwear and ask him to wrestle with me again.

Age 10: I was at a friends house and we were alone and he told me "I'll get you up the butt if you get me, and I'll suck you off if you suck me". I turned him down on this offer, but a little while later we was play wrestling in the same bedroom as when I was 5 and he started humping me and when he stopped I asked if he wanted to do the real thing. We had oral sex, and we didn't have anal sex because I was too big to fit in him (we didn't think of lotion or lube) and he was too small for me, but he did rub his penis between my butt cheeks for about 30 min to an hour one time when we had sex.) I remember having a strong urge to suck him off when I was stroking him, but wouldn't do it, and eventually he gave me head and I then gave him head, but every time we stroke each other I wanted to give me head again, and don't know why I just didn't give in and do it, but that doesn't really matter. We did this about 2 or 3 times total.

In middle school we the only two in the boys locker room for gym and he said "get back here and suck my dick", and I told him no, and at that point I really did not want to do that to him. I had basically forgotten all about it.

Age 12: I got sattelite TV for the first time and we had an illegal card, so I had access to all the channels including the porn ones. I think I began watching porn heavily at this age. Although the first time I can recall masterbating was humping one of my wrestling dolls where the battery was supposed to go. I don't remember any semen, so I think I must have been doing this before puberty.

Age 16: I got my first girlfriend. We dated for about a year and she would never have sex with me although I tried really hard to get her to. The furthest she let me go was touching her vagina. She made me reach from behind her which made it difficulty to reach the clit, but I did reach it thanks to having large hands (I'm 6'3"), but the funny part is that I didn't know what I was doing. I remeber putting in my hand and she felt kind of dry, so I must have not done much at all. She was lying on her couch in the second living room and her parents were in the first living room which was basically diagonal to the second living room, and the only thing seperating us was a small wall and she may have been nervous. I know I was, I remember she was laughing at me because my leg was shaking so much LoL.

Age 20-21: I got my second girlfriend. We basically had sex right away. I had knew her for a while. I had a hard time ejactulating while having sex with her because I always worse a condom and we wanted to be safe so I would pull out and masterbate, but I remeber that one time she got on top without a condom on and I nearly ejaculated within a few seconds, I had to make her stop. I don't really remember watching a lot of porn at this time.

Age 24: I got my third girl friend. I don't know if I can really consider her a girlfriend since we didn't date very long, only about 1 or 2 months, but I remember the sex being very bad. I went soft in her a few times. Again, I can't specifically watching a lot of porn at this time, but I wasn't really paying attention to it anyway, so I may have been, just didn't realize if it was a problem or not. I think it was that we weren't really close, and I was her very first real sex partner, and TBH I wasn't really attracted to her. She watched porn to get off a lot her self from what I can remember. She had a dildo and she told me she got off by using it and watching porn, but never said how often. The next relationship she was got into was with another girl and guy at the time so a threesome type relationship. They have all been together for like 2 years or more now, so I assume she is happy with that arrangement.

Age 25-26: I had my 4th girlfriend and she and I had lots of sex. I remeber it taking me a long time to ejaculate while having sex with her. I had heard the hodge twins talking about deathgrip, so I tried not masterbating for a week, so low-and-behold I came three times that night, and made her cum 3 or 4 times too. I wasn't over the top attracted to her either, she was like a 5 on the atttractiveness scale, but we got along really well, and I worked with her so I was very comfortable around her. Eventually we broke up, and I think me not ejaculating more quick was part of the problem because it made her mad that I was masterbate after sex, but of course she had just broken up with her boyfriend of 5 years, and may have just been testing the waters with other people and having rebound sex too.

Age 26: I had been watching a lot of porn and I had discovered Sissy trainer porn recently too. I had stronger than ever desires to give head again. I had had them in the past when I would fantisize about the first time I did it. So, I went to CL, found someone, gave them a blowjob. I felt very dissastified with this decision. I didn't even get an erection myself, even when he gave me a blowjob. I was very nervous though eventhough by the time I got there my anxiety medication had kicked in and I felt very calm, but the point is that I didn't really enjoy like I thought I was. I think this may have been because I didn't know him at all and felt no connection with him, plus I'm not physically attracted to men, but I do have a penis fetish.

So that's my history, I want to make it clear that eventhough I have a penis fetish I'm not really attracted to men when I look at them; however, I am attracted to women very much which is why I am so confused over the matter. I feel like I should be gay, but I'm not, and I have the hardest time with meeting girls. I don't go out very much, I currently only work a couple days a week and go to school on the other days, so I don't have the cash to hit the club up, and I'm not a club type person anyway. I've been trying online dating, but I am having a hard time finding a girl that is attractive and wants to go out. I talked to one and we nearly met up, but she backed out at the last minute, but I haven't given up totally.

Lately, I have been having the urge to know what it feels like to get fucked. I have no base for these desires other than I am curious of how it feels. I have had a dildo before, and it didn't feel good at all, but that's not the same as the real thing. Of course, this idea kind of scares me because I know it's not really something I think about when I walk around and see a cute girl or at any other time, just when I get bored at home and start to wonder.

So, I had the idea of trying this out and seeing how I felt after 3 months of not masterbating to porn or at all. I'll have sex with a female if the opportunity presents itself, but nothing else. I want to see if I still desire these things in 3 months time or not, and what other changes might occur.

But, I keep asking myself why am I doing this. I don't see the point in stopping masterbating to porn because I'm not likely to find a female companion anyway, and I'm really not all that likely to actually pursue finding someone for anal sex, though I could see myself doing it in the heat of the moment like I did before with oral sex over CL.

Has anyone else had these types of feelings? Why are you stopping watching porn and whats your past history, I'd like to know your story with great attention to detail just like I gave in mine.

TLDR: Just read down from the bolded word "lately", the history lesson isn't really necessary I suppose, but it's there if want a good read.