Where to start.....

I wish I could pinpoint a place to start my post from but i guess the beginning is always the best.

When I was 17 I had just gone through a big move in my life to a place that I once knew as a child but became completely new to me as a young adult. I had come back to continue schooling and came back with a strong depression because I wasnt happy where I used to be and that lead to me have a strong addiction to things that shouldnt have been in my life at the time. I was doing drugs, destroyed my first year of Uni and didnt really care about much. My parents were supporting me and i was putting that all to waste. I had gotten involved with some serious drugs like speed and was doing it every other day for like three weeks. During this time I had already developed a strong porn addiction and even before I was on it I was looking at woman like objects because of how perverted the porn had made my mind. while I was going through the speed epidemic in my life, I started to watch things that were alot more intense like gay porn and transsexual porn and that had become yet another thing to add to the list which I was destroying my life with.

Fast forward 2 years. I had stopped doing the drugs(only smoking weed,which I gave up after another year) but I was still holding onto the sexual perversions I knew werent me. The problem is that during that year which I stopped smoking weed I started using grindr to try and find potential "femboys/ Trans-Woman" which I could feed my fetish and think about what hooking up with them could be like. During the year I did hook up with someone on grindr twice, which lead me to stop smoking weed and completely change my life, because I knew it wasnt me and I was doing things that were destroying who the real me was. I know I am straight, I am currently drug free and sober and am completely into woman 100%. The thing is after I stopped the drugs and stuff I had conditioned my mind to use grindr to achieve some sort of higher feeling and get attention from a community which I knew I wasn't part of but became addicted to the attention i was getting. In my mind I kept this as a dark secret that I thought would one day fade away. I didnt really have anyone to talk to about it so I didnt think I needed to.

Fast forward another year and Im talking to this girl that I love and she loves me back so much. She gave me so much love and was understanding with me and supported me in every way. But I was still using the app to get some sort of attention and made it like some dark world that I pretended wasnt real at all. I was with this girl for 8 months. During this 8 months I had some really sketchy behavior sometimes and she would talk to me about it and i would lie about stupid things. Until one day I lied about texting someone else and she saw the text. The same night she was going to cut me off but instead she came to me with love and wanted me to talk to her about things. I told here everything from the start, she was traumatized but showed me support and loved me.

Fast forward another month, and I end up moving to another continent to study abroad but shes still talking to me and giving me support all the time and caring about me everyday. She and I agreed to maintain a good friendship while I was abroad in order to make sure we are both okay during tough times.

Fast forward until today, she tells me she doesnt want anything to do with me anymore because she knows that I was intentionally using the app and was cheating on her while we were together for 8 months.

She is right about everything. I wish I could change what I did but all the love she was showing me disappeared in a matter of 2 weeks after I left. She told me she didnt really know who I was and wanted to not have anything to do with me.


MORAL OF the STORY. DONT LIE TO ANYONE WHO IS WILLING TO BE THERE FOR YOU AND UNDERSTAND YOU. THESE PEOPLE ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN OUR LIVES. CHERISH AND TRUST THEM. DONT be like me. Now I am alone in a new country with nobody but my immediate family to ask how I am doing. do the right thing before its to late dont be like me.

 

No period lol.

I think those apps are killers when it comes to providing the trust a relationship deserves. In order for me to better my life and change everything i wont allow myself to be on them anymore. I destroyed the trust of this girl and any chance of her even being in my life as a friend. That was enough emotional trauma and damage for me to change.