Where do I start? Broken man.

Hey @SDJR, looks like you got some mess to clean up Well well, but there is hope. I can relate to a lot you say. I was hooked on escorts, findom, humiliation, all sorts of roleplays ...

There's a quote by Gary J. Bishop "You can't let go of something you're committed to hanging onto. And sometimes that simple realization is your doorway."
I mention this here cause you say that you like to get fucked and do fucked up shit, that you want to get drunk and so on.
You want you like. That could make it difficult. So, it looks like you're still commited to hanging onto.
Fact is ... that's the hard truth ... you can't have both. You can't keep acting out and living a sober and self-determined life at the same time. Eventually you got to make your mind up and come to a decision then be strongly determined to change. To keep it simple how you act out is one thing, another is the fact of being addicted. Addiction is addiction. We're addicted to craving. We crave the feeling, the sensation. The escort, the booze, the smoke, the shopping etc, all that are just means to get that mental relief, to feel that sensation in our body.

You're open to suggestions you say. Let me ask you: What have you tried so far to quit? Any plan at hand? Tools? Or is it just a wish and you are waiting for a miracle to happen?

 

Yeah, coming to a certain point and then giving in again, I know that so well hehe. Great you could quit smoking and that the book helped. Also good you have experience with hypnosis, forming habits and know a bit about willpower.
For me one big difference when it comes to sex (as well as eating issues) is that we can't just stop having sex or stop eating. While we do not need alcohol nor cocaine etc, not smoking ... we are wired for procreation and so sex and food are essential for our survival, the survival of the human species. Sex covers a few of our elementary needs. Attachment is another. Yet we also have a need for authenticity (autonomy). Does that make sense to you?
As we can't just quit having sex we need to find a healthy way to meet our sexual needs. A healthy way to bond. We need to learn what intimacy is, what it feels like. Showing who we are (authenticity) and allowing intimacy, connecting with our hearts. That can be frightening.

Getting off the hook is essential, coming out of addiction too. There are different approaches, avoiding and towards. We can fight our addiction wanting to get rid of it, wanting to move away from it. It consumes a lot of energy, finally we get tired and bham. For me the avoiding works partly.
What works better is the toward approach. Using energy on building the new, forming a clear vision of a healthy, strong you. Forming a vision of a lifestyle that you want to live, have it clear in details. Not only "I want to live a good life" but then ... what is good? How does good look like? What actions do make it good? How does good feel? etc.
Have a direction with kind of a goal. I prefer vision to goal as goals we achieve and then that's it. A vision though we live as long as we live.

My suggestion is watch your thinking. How do you talk to yourself? And speaking of talking to yourself ... who exactly is talking to whom? What does one part of you want and what the other? Set yourself clear boundaries but know why. What you are doing it for? Values. What are your 3 most important values that you want to live accordingly?

I see you are on day 1. YEAH! Make it day 2. One day at a time. Stay clean and sober for the next hour, the next 3 hours, the next 24 hours Don't try to stay sober for a lifetime, that can be overwhelming. One day is fine. One day at a time.

 

I am a fan of all that is helpful Started with Vipassana 10 day retreats 5 years ago, worked the steps in CoDA and attended SLAA meetings for a few years. Done NLP Prac and Master and Hypnosis, iEMDR and on my way to be a mental coach Tony Robbins is doing great work though I have never attended one of his seminars and do not follow him. But he surely is top in this field.

I see you are on day 2 Keep it up. YAY!

 

love Tony Robbins!!!

 

So basically there is a common knowledge,
What is most important thing in life that you cannot live without?
So there are four things in life, that are very important.

The first one is air or oxygen you cannot live without oxygen, even for a minute, you will simply die.
the air is common, and no effort is required to breathe, air is free and everywhere!

next, is water.
without water a person would surely die in few days maybe a week.
water is also almost free and very minimal effort is required to acquire drinking water.

next is food.
without food but with water and air, you can survive for several weeks, but in the end you will starve to death.
food is not as important as air or water but its still very important.
to get food you need to make much more effort than to get water or air, but still, getting food is not that hard.

what is most important after air, water and food that you really need but its most difficult to get?

love and partnership.. human connection.

Without it, you can probably live for many years, yet, in the end, you will degrade to stupid worthless drone and die alone in sadness and depression, alcoholism or drugs.
and to get real human connection, love and sex you need to work the most.
you have to really invest into it.

PMO just makes you skip all that effort for a quick release of dopamines and few seconds of "fun"...

but what it takes away from you is something far more important - human connection.

when person faps, he/she thinks that all is OK and noone is needed and you can just fap and move with your life.
its not true.

its very difficult to be alone.. and sex is just small part of it.
family and human connection is everything.

 

Ok so first why didnt you seek therapy already? Second you have a big issue there that you need to take care of fast. And third, dont worry you will be alright and stop those urges with dedication and lots and lots of willpower. So yeah good news you have a very good fighting chance, and you are asking for help so you already know you want to stop it.

So you are mixing up and doing a cocktail of lot of bad and addicting behaviors, alchool and hardcore sex stuff and it will only get worst and possibly lead you to drugs when you cant get that high no more. So, it needs to end now and i am therapist so i know what i am talking about.
First fix your main issue and source of the problem that lead you into those crazy addictions. The issue seems obvious to me, although you didnt tell the full story. You are shy and not that good with girls so turn to escorts and even then you still need alchool otherwise you cant request the crazy stuff to them cause you are shy. Or maybe you can get along well with girls but you like those crazy stuff so you turn to escorts because you are afraid to ask "normal" to do those level of kinky stuff with you. So its either one of these situations, and i think it may be the first.
So now that you know what the source of the problem is, you need to fix the root. Idk if you are married or have a girlfriend but if you arent or havent, well its time to take care of it. You need to get some self esteem, confidence and getting good with girls, not escorts but real life girls. When you get confortable and good with them you can then sugest doing some kinky stuff, but you will get there gradually. You will start having more and more orgasms with real girls and less and less with escorts and porn and apps. You need to make a plan and do it gradually. You dont need to stop at all in just one day, just have to reduce it more and more. You have to be smart about it and negotiate with yourself. You plan it and say ok next week i will have regular old fashion sex with a non escort girl once and kinky destroying stuff three to four times. Next week you change to having normal sex / masturbating just using your imagination no phone twice and 3 or 2 times destroying kinky stuff. You do this plan and keep reducing the bad destructing orgasms by the good boring ones. With time your brain will start to heal up and the boring sex will not be so boring and you can even gain the trust of your partner to start making kinky stuff. Because those fetishes are alright, they are just too high and overwhelming because of the addiction associated. Cure the addiction gradually and you will be able to explore those kinks in an healthy way with a partner.

Now you say: yeah thats all very preety and all but idk i dont think i can get a girl with wich to have sex with just like that. Well of course sometimes you will have to masturbate just imagining and at first it will be boring although the orgasm is just as good, just the journey that isnt that pleasing. But you will start liking it more and more. But the purpose of this is getting you and forcing you to get either a girlfriend you can have sex with or fuck buddy (there are plenty down there), because in the end of the day you just need to orgasm and after you can be yourself again. I dont know if its difficult for you getting girls but if it is i can help and i am also a therapist. I can give some little but other than that i am preety busy with my patients right now because yes, there are tons and tons of people with this issues, internet is causing a great problem on man, the easy access and not natural amount of things you can find just with a click, is overwhelming for the human brain. We were biologically made to want and desire and have sex in order to procriate, but our biology wasnt expecting us to have a screen in front of our eyes giving us unlimited porn and sexual triggers, but i digress, thats not your issue.

To sum it up:

1° solve and face the core issue you run away from, deal with your shy being, start dating girls and stop finding bad short term alternatives that will never work and lead to addiction.

2° after you took the first step and started seeing girls and are making an effort, you can now plan your next month week by week regarding good sex / masturbation and bad sex / masturbation and write it down and keep to it, discipline. Just like i explained earlier.

3° if you are unable or unwilling to follow this steps because you cant face the addiction alone, go to a good therapist quickly, it will work i assure you.

With time your brain dopamine receptors will recover and adjust and you will be yourself finally and have control over your life and your urges and not the other way around. Of course there may be more to this, i am just working with what you wrote, if you need my help further you can also email me to my one of my personal emails fmcc93@gmailcom , i can give you some advices as soon as i have the time.

Faith and keep strong and discipline yourself, you will Beat it

 

Oh i see, well when you wrote that you needed to drink to stop being shy and request the escorts i just made that wrong assumption. So, basically if you dont drink you dont have those behaviours you dislike? Or you still go through the apps? Going through the Apps and internet is because of am addiction to porn, a more specific one. About the escorts well, thats the alchool that misguides you and turns even more your libido no? And you are single now right? And its not about the money because you dont seem stressed about that. I am starting to assume that alchool may have a big deal in that. So if hipothetacilly there was no alchool then it would be all good cause you wouldnt indulge? Or would it still be a problem? Also cant you find a girlfriend and most of those stuff with her?
I think you will figure it out friend no need for despair

 

The main question for me at least is this.

before I stopped PMO (about a week ago) I used to lifestyle of cumming multiple times per day and whole process could last few minutes, multiple times per day.
But now I have a GF and she need 4hour long session of very rough “work” and I can’t hold for more than 20 minutes…
I get tired and errection drops…
Pills help, but I still get tired and can hold for maybe 40 minutes .


Is this even real to bang 4 hours straight ? Do you need to be a Batman or Superman to do this?? Maybe other men can do this but I can’t imagine how it’s possible.

yes, by stopping PMO I feel that my sex life improved drastically, so instead of 5-10 minutes I can do 20, or 40-50 with pill, but still, come one.
Maybe her “requests” at unreal?

what you think guys?