when is it time to walk away?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by usernamenaive, Nov 15, 2018.

  1. usernamenaive

    usernamenaive Fapstronaut

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    I'm so fed up. im only in my early 30s. we only had regularly had sex for two months now been over a year of feeling frustrated. i always feel like a deviant for wanting to have sex. i know im not that i want to have more sex than once a fortnight maybe every other day. its making me feel petty and a nasty person . i want a healthy sex life. I'm starting to think nothing will change.started to think about leaving. we have had so many conversations and he says sex just isn't a big deal to him but he can't understand why blowing hot and cold and constantly rejecting me makes me feel shit and leaks into every other aspect of my life. i want to feel passion and feel wanted.i feel like i practically beg sometimes and its just a mood killer.
    i was single a long time. what have/would make you just leave? I'm so lonely
     
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  2. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

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    Have you confronted him about his PA?
     
  3. usernamenaive

    usernamenaive Fapstronaut

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    yes a while ago. it came in conversation a while ago i didn't really realise how serious. then i confronted him when i saw the connection with other things and also his internet history once intentionally looking, then by accident that lead to much bigger conversations. he said he would stop p then m but i dont know if i believe him he still has e problems and no interest . iv spoken to him about how it makes me feel it sometimes goes well sometimes not. but he doesn't get it. and nothing changes. he doesn't see that i want more sex that wont change and it is a big deal and like wise i keep thinking over time he'll be more interested if hes not pmo. but he is either lying and still is or he has a low sex drive
    there are issues there. but i just dont know if i can cope with how it makes me feel.
     
  4. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

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    It sounds to me that he hasn't stopped P or MO. And he likely doesn't want to either. I was in that position with my SO when I first brought it up too. It wasn't until I started packing all my things and told him it was me or it that he began to realise he had a serious problem. We had sex 3 times over the first 6 months of our relationship. PIED was involved in all 3. I have an EXTREMELY high sex drive and I resented him for it. Since May he has been doing well. Because he knows I will walk out that door and never look back if he goes back to it.
     
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  5. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    She's right @usernamenaive. My vote too is lying. You can prove it to yourself by a preponderance of the evidence. All you need to do is make a list of the things in your relationship that are questionable. I bet you can come up with a dozen rather quickly starting with never wanting to have sex.
     
  6. usernamenaive

    usernamenaive Fapstronaut

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    do you mean away from sex in our relationship. what kind of things
    its is mainly the sex. with no sex we are just friends. because if you mean other than sex i think thats very presumptuous and not taking note of what i actually wanted.
    to make my post clearer I'm only really interested in knowing what would make someone leave their so, how much time. i think if a male dumped their partner because they were not getting enough everyone would think they were a low life. i just feel horrible from rejection, he always makes out its just once but its constant.
     
  7. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Addicts are rather messy and lazy. Wherever they go, they usually leave behind a trail to follow like one who drops crumbs on the path of the road they take for you to follow. If you look at any one thing that is going on in the relationship that you find to be a RED FLAG, individually, it's just a coincidence. It is only one piece of a larger puzzle, so you have no idea what the puzzle reveals. If you find many pieces of the puzzle, even if you don't have all of the pieces, you can often find enough pieces to put together to reveal and solve the puzzle. Collectively, they paint a picture you can identify. And unlike a criminal case where your suspicion must be beyond a reasonable doubt, civilly, only a preponderance of the evidence is necessary for you to realize that things just don't add up and his words and his actions contradict one another. I suspect he is perpetuating a lie, and more than one, and that he is indeed actively addicted in PMO. It's not impossible that he isn't, but it is very probable that he is.

    EXAMPLES of RED FLAGS
    • When you try to talk to him about things he is doing that bother you in the relationship, and he turns it around and blames you. That's called Gaslighting
    • When you determine he needs to seek help, and he adamently refuses any help.because he doesn't perceive there is a problem
    • When you went to look up "portable heater", his browser automatically filled in "pornography"
    • When you ask to use his phone to look something up, and he finds some weird reason not to allow you access to his phone
    • When you use his electronic devices, he always has you wait before you can use them claiming to have to do something to it first
    • When you go look into his any browser history, there is none. It has been erased
    • When he is using icognito mode when there presents no legitimate reason for doing so
    • When he has an abnormal lack of sex in our relationship
    • When he has problems with erectile dysfunction and both of us are very young adults
    • When he rejects my sexual advances and initiation for sex
    • When he wants to engage in sexual activity that I find repulsive, yet says it really turns him on
    • When he takes such little interest in me walking around virtually naked like a buffet so he can see it
    • When he makes every excuse in the world not to have sex from my back hurts to I'm tired
    • When I found a hidden folder that contained nude pictures of different women in different states of sexual activity
    • When he bought sex toys to add excitement to our sex life in spite of my interest in just having sex
    • When he exhibits zero interest in anything else in the relationship like holding hands, hugging, or kisses
    • When he expresses no interest in sex on special occasions like anniversaries or holidays
    • When he leads me to believe that something is wrong with me that I need to seek therapy myself
    • When you are actively taking anxiety medication when no such condition existed proir to your relationship with him
    These are just a few in a huge laundry list of RED FLAGS. @DesperateHousewife7 made quite a laundry list of them herself that was quite impressive. Always always always follow your "gut instinct", your "women's intuition", your "sixth sense", or whatever you want to call it. It usually is almost always right!
     
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  8. usernamenaive

    usernamenaive Fapstronaut

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    well my intention says not p but still M. which i have said is selfish when it leaves me rejected, denied and frsutrated
     
  9. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry. I'm not following what you are trying to say.
     
  10. usernamenaive

    usernamenaive Fapstronaut

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    phone changed my typing. my intuition says he he still masturbating rather than wanting to be with me. I've told him how it makes me feel
     
  11. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    OK, then set Boundaries & Consequences and execute them. If you want/need help with that, let me know.
     
  12. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    You leave if it feels right to you. If the relationship is making you unhappy and the two of you can not work it out you need to start thinking of yourself. If he isn't willing to help himself there is nothing you can do. Sometimes people just don't work out together, don't let the fear of others judging you keep you from doing what you need to. I'm sorry, no one can say 'leave if X happens', it is all so personal. I stuck around with my PA BF for 15 years before having enough and getting the courage to leave. In the end I didn't, we are still together. But that is because of his actions. He is working on his addiction. We are working together on our relationship. If he was still PMO or even just MO I would leave.
     
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