I'm getting worse. I'm depressed as hell, I can't figure it out, I just can't quit porn. I completed the reboot for 90 days in 2020 but went back to it a month later. I've kept fighting but I relapse almost every month. However, now I'm relapsing almost every 2 weeks. I like seeing naked women having sex and masturbating to that... yes, I love the minutes it happens, but then when I'm done, I just want to die. Frustration is the only word I can come up with to describe myself, can't progress in the congregation, can't be confident, and can't have a safe marriage. I created all these insecurities myself, and I guess I'll have to pay for all that at some point. Obsession is taking over me... and I mean, really I'm becoming a freak. When I'm alone at night, I think I'm hearing a woman moaning, I believe it's the neighbors having sex, and then I quickly put my ear on the walls to see if I can hear something. When it's them, then my heart pounds heavily and I end up masturbating, when I figure it was just my sick mind I just keep asking myself... am I finally going crazy? My wife is right, I don't show any respect to her. Two days ago, I watched porn 3 times in the morning and then had sex with her without her knowing about it... if she would've known, I would've lost my wife for sure. Today, I was home alone feeling depressed, and anxious. Began to work as urges to watch porn came up in my head, I fought them and finally concentrated on what I had to do for work. When I was done, I just couldn't control it, and didn't use my firewall... was filled with anxiety and turned to porn again. It was like 7 minutes, and when I was done, I just said: what a piece of shit, why can't I be normal and have the willpower to reject this? Been all my life fighting to get free from porn, and that means since I was 14; I knew it was wrong at such a young age and swore to myself many times that I would stop. Over time, I learned that it wasn't bad just for moral or religious reasons, but because it messes the brain up, and even worse, tears relationships apart. And here I am, age 30, and I'm still trapped, running in circles and feeling sorry for myself, no leadership, no nothing. Thanks for reading, hope these words remind someone of how terrible porn can make you feel.
how did it make you feel then? that's great! at least people can count on you. i don't believe we've ran out of options to recover yet... you know it's bad but do you know how good it can get? isn't there any hope left for you? i want thank you for writing that down, that's something you can do and you did it.
One of the best 3 months of my marriage, though I missed sex, I felt like I really had a friend for life. Rebooting was hard, but it was immensely rewarding. I just haven't been able to do it again, at least not in hard mode. I really feel hopeless, I just feel like I can't handle it, like no matter how good I get at staying clean, I'll relapse at some point.
Don't give up. Some porn addicts and sex addicts need to quit all sex during their reboot. Sex with your wife could be hindering your reboot. You may need to take extreme measures. Get a flip phone. Get a job where your not on your computer (ie landscaping, janitor, construction). You can do this man. You've done 90 days before, you can do it again. Ask your wife for forgiveness tell her you need her support and want to get better. Workout, journal, read (nothing sexual though), pray, work. Sleep in a separate bed from your wife while rebooting if you have to. Focus on your emotional relationship with your wife instead of sexual. Let her know it's part of the process. Find a counselor or therapist. Don't give up!
If you hear the neighbors having sex where ear protection. If you still hear it take a cold shower. Once you feel cured, slowly integrate sex back into your life. Only have sex when your wife that you feel is motivated by love, not lust. Start having sex just once a month, then maybe slowly increase to once a week
These are some ideas I have. Above all see a therapist, a good one, who understands the dangers of porn addiction. They can't do it for you but they can help guide you
I quit smoking once for over two years. Started to smoke 1-2 at partys after a while and got hooked again. Super addictive activities can't be performed in moderation.
In the past when I was trying to quit and was able to have sex, it seemed like sex activated those PMO centers and led me to relapse..or maybe I felt since I was able to have sex it was ok to go back to PMO. But like @Pauley above says, once we are addicted to something we are addicts for life. I don't mean that we won't be able to quit - I mean that we will always be in recovery and always susceptible to relapse. It's why recovering alcoholics can never even have one drink of alcohol ever again. I think what makes this addiction harder to beat is the lack of a social support for it. I have an alchoholic friend who quit drinking and was going to daily group meetings for the first few months and had a sponsor and accountability partners and he told me he would not have been able to quit without that support. I think that is what is missing here and why so many of us end up relapsing over and over. We need others in recovery to contact and talk to and connect with and to support us and people we can support. Otherwise we're just fighting this battle alone in our own minds and I just don't know if addiction recovery is always successful like that without the support. We fight this battle alone have no one to turn to then go back to the addiction. I'm hoping to find accountability partners here we can check in with daily or even multiple times a day if needed.
If it's this bad, you ought to talk to someone. Not on a forum, but in real life. I'm no expert, but this is what I would do. Good luck.
I'm not OP but sometimes that advice isn't helpful because we have no one in real life to talk to about this stuff. Like I wish I had a circle of support I could go with when I'm doing or suffering but I have no one who cares.
I respect what you are saying, but if it is serious enough, you can always find someone. It might not be convenient. It might not be nearby. It might not be inexpensive. It might not be easy. But it sounds like the OP is trying to save his life. How much inconvenience is that worth?
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Whoa, whoa, whoa. This isn't ideal, but you respect her enough to acknowledge your problems and *try* to clean up your act. Giving up would be the ultimate fuck-you to her-- in surrendering, porn is credited with destroying another family unit and made her patience with you a total waste of her time. You giving up is doubling down on the insult. You owe it to her to keep trying.
There are 12 step groups. My husband has been attending 3 a week for 4 years. He says the really help.
You can do this . Porn is addicting ! If your addicted once is too much! Freedom is not being glued to a laptop or phone watching porn for hours at a time, instead its feeling better about yourself , better relationships with other , more time to do better pursuits, and become better at handling difficulties ! U can do it , don’t watch porn
