what the hell is wrong with me?

im so fucking worried. this addiction has brought me to horrible places. i dont want it to get any worse. but, im so worried right now. ill talk more about this.

i remember when i was maybe in 3rd or 4th grade, i had these weird sexual fantasies about me and my crush who was about the same age. but i didnt really even know what sex was back then. i didnt have any sexual urges or fantasies to any other girl in my school, only her as far as i remember. i never knew what pedophilia was back then. but, im worried. is this normal for some kid that age? is it normal for a child that age to have weird feelings and fantasies?

ive researched stuff about pedophilia, like people are born with it or maybe it develops from trauma and maybe even exposure to too much porn.

im so worried. what if i was born with this shit? im scared. i never really had an attraction to any other child in my class as far as i remember. this horrible thing really started happening when i was around early teens.

i remember i first discovered porn. i was in my early teen years. a couple months after, i started imagining my own fucking classmates engaged in something with me. i never knew it was wrong i just fucking did it. is this normal? i keep asking this because im so worried is this normal for a kid this age? like in early teens?

im so fucking sad and worried. i just saw a video on youtube of some kid that was 15-16 and his parents were like worried he was a pedophile. his parents said that he literally said to them that he wanted to do shit to his younger family members or some gross shit. he didnt even speak to them like he was worried about it, he just said it to them like he was like casually telling them how school was. he even said that his victims will get over it. its fucked up. fortunately, they tried to get him help. like therapy or rehab or something.

i dont wanna be like that kid. i dont wanna hurt children. or be attracted to them.
im so worried i feel sick. my stomach literally hurts and i feel dizzy. i wanna cry or something.

i never really had this problem until i discovered porn and got addicted for a while. i feel like now, after months and months of addiction, this is where i am now. it has gotten horribly wrong.

ive been told that this is escalation. where a person suffering from this addiction for a while needs a higher, more extreme porn thing to make them feel pleasure. maybe that happened with me. something similar happened that maybe escalation but ive talked about it in another post here. and another post here.
i also go more in depth in my addiction there. i just remember in my early phases of my addiction, i started off with audio, then images, then videos and then more shit maybe thats escalation.

i never wanted to be a pedophile. i remember before this was happening, i watched catching pedos videos on discord or whatever and i kinda felt satisfied idk. entertaining seeing sick fuck ups being caught.

im scared. so fucking scared. i feel so riddled with giult maybe anxiety and shame from the things ive done during my addiction. i only just started high school, how the fuck will this affect me when im older or an adult if i keep this addiction alive and growing? i want it to end before i simply stop caring and maybe give up nofap and even hurt some innocent kid and mess up their mind and leave them with trauma for the rest of their life. i dont want them to go through the shit ive been through. it happened to me once. fucking hell.

i want to stop this, end this right fucking now before my addiction gets worse and worse and i just simply stop caring or make up excuses to do fucked up things. i remember watching a video of some guy doing a video on loli and how people are defending it. if you dont know what loli is search it up or ill just give something ill try to explain. its like some anime drawing of some young girl in like some kid or some shit. some fucked up guys in the video said that its ok to jerk off to it because "its just a drawing" and "saying people who jerk off to loli are pedophiles is like saying someone that plays violent games a shooter." you cant just compare those two statements by the way.

theres the link if you wanna see the video for yourself.


i dont wanna be like those fucked up people that make up excuses to do horrible shit to children. people like that are like, devoid of any humanity or morals. i dont wanna be like those people. i still have some fire in me left to say stuff like "dont jerk off, dont fall for temptation. it will make you lose all your humanity and care, your addiction is already so bad, dont make it worse by giving up and slipping!" and one of them was like "dont jerk off to that drawing cause it looks like a fucking kid you sick fuck." i remember thinking like that when i was browsing through some sick subreddit full of drawings and hentai shit one time. again, i go deeper into this browsing thing in one of my posts. here is the link.

idk. i feel a bit better and less sick in the stomach because i ate but still. i have some butterflies in my stomach because this worry and shit. i kidna feel dizzy too. someone please give me advice or at least an answer to my questions stated. are these normal? i plan on talking to my school counselor about this and see what he can do about my addiction and intrusive thoughts and feelings. idk what he has to say though because idk if he has given advice on addiction before.

someone please give me advice or at least answer the questions that i have. are these normal? im scared.

 

i have no fucking idea. i read that people usually start to recognize pedophilia when they are like 13-15 and im in that age group. i dont know if i really am recognizing that i do have it now or maybe i never have pedophilia and my addiction is just filling my mind full of shit. its so confusing.

i remember when i was 12-13, i just passed younger girls in my school in the hallway and didnt feel anything. nothing sexual, i just recognized them as kids. but now, im like 14-15 and now i literally just glance at a kid and feel something. maybe its my addiction thats fucking up my head. not a full bone fucking boner, maybe. im too scared to find out. i just cant see myself staring at an innocent kid and getting a full blown boner. im too scared to see the person ive become.

in the early phases of my addiction like when i was 12-13, i probably didnt have the pedophilia thing problem but now, since ive been hooked on porn for literally a year now, this problem has appeared and is fucking up my life currently.

i dont know if my addiction caused all of this and now im really am a pedo and will stay that way for the rest of my life, or that i was born with this shit and didnt really know it until now, or that my addiction has fucked up my brain to the point where i find anything arousing or some shit.

sometimes i cant figure out if i find kids cute or arousing. i feel kinda disgusting just typing that. i remember looking at young kids at school because of some activity the teachers threw us into and i cant really distinguish them. i keep asking myself "are they cute? there little kids that are hyper and weird. but, what if you like seeing them for a different reason? what if you are aroused by children? what if you are a fucked up disgusting pedophile?." i cant tell what im doing anymore. i cant tell what i am anymore

im so fucking scared. i feel sick. not just in the head but in my stomach as well. just typing this makes me wanna throw up or something. i never wanted to be a pedophile or hurt people and kids. and i keep telling myself "im not gonna let myself fall into that horrible pit of pedophilia. they are fucking kids. they dont know what sex even is! dont peek either, you are gonna end up jerking off and make everything even worse! what if you jerk off drawn cp? what the fuck is wrong with you then?"

but sometimes i just feel like accepting it is good. but there is another side of me that says "accept it? fuck that. so your gonna accept it and jerk off to kids? fuck you." then sometimes i feel a lot of motivation to stop my addiction and something tells me like "keep moving forward. you know those times where you heard the story of some poor child that was abused by a pedophile? do you wanna be like that pedophile? do you want to be attracted to kids and be fucked up for the rest of your life? do you wanna give up on stopping this addiction so you dont become a pedophile? yes i fucking do!"

in a nutshell, sometimes i feel like "maybe accepting it isnt all bad, just dont hurt a kid and dont act on it. " but sometimes i feel like "fuck you. you wanna accept the fact that you will be fucked up for life. there kids, they dont even know what sex is! do you really wanna see yourself staring at a kid and getting a fucking boner? come the fuck on."

i just want this to be over. i dont wanna be a pedophile. do i? am i fine with it? am i in denial and am i just fine being a pedophile? i dont know. there are a lot of voices going on. recently something told me that you can be a pedo and its ok, but still, i still find being attracted to children bad and disgusting. do i?

am i in denial? or are those just voices in my head? i just want to be me before my addiction. where i didnt have these weird thoughts and where i didnt have to worry if i was a pedophile or not. i want to be normal. i dont wanna be a pedophile and i want to be normal. i want to be free from this addiction and i wanna be free from these weird confusing horrible thoughts and feelings.

sorry for the big vent. im so worried.

 

i feel so sick. i have butterflies in my stomach and im so worried. someone said that this weird pedophilia thing can be formed temporarily by porn and it will go away when you abstain for long enough, but i just keep thinking "what if these dont go away if you abstain for long enough? what will you do then?"

then someone said that like pedophilia isnt porn influenced and you are just born with it idk.

i finally snapped and tried to see if i really did get aroused by children and imagined some horrible thing and i literally felt something. it was probably a full blown ere. i immediately stopped and felt some horrible feeling of guilt and something in my stomach.

its gone now, but it really worries me. idk if the guilt being reduced more is concerning it might be. maybe i thought of it on purpose or maybe i just wanted to make sure or both. im so worried.

im so confused. what if i was born with this pedo thing? what the hell do i do? and what if this pedo thing is porn induced? will this go away if i do nofap for a while? what if it doesnt? im so worried and confused over everything. i wish this was a dream.

can you give me advice on this? im planning on talking to my counselor about this but idk if he is experienced with this kinda fucked up situation and im wondering if he will tell anyone. and im wondering if he will even listen.

 

thanks. idk if my school counselor is an expert on this stuff and ill try to seek him out and see what he has to say.