What the hell is actually wrong with us?

Im addicted to water

 

One of the myths of what we have come to call porn addiction is the myth that it is, of itself, an illness, or that people with the condition suffer underlying mental health conditions or prior, usually childhood, traumas and they are using porn to deal with it, manage the pain of if, forget it for a second, or, let's be real, forget it for a few hours a day.

Truth is, perfectly normal, healthy people with no extraordinarily bad child hood experiences get hooked on porn.

This is where words come in, where words are important.

No one has ever been addicted to porn. What is porn but a depiction of sex, and sexually explicit images.

Question: For almost every human being, what does perceiving a depiction of sex and sexually explicit images do, what response does that perception almost invevitably result in?

Answer: A sexual thought.

At this point the answer to what porn is, how it works, takes a basic understanding of simple evolutionary neuropsychology.

The most successful survival trait in all species is the ability to reproduce. I say ability, which is accurate, but one could also say the "drive" to reproduce. This is an instinct in all species, it is hardwired in our brains, our software, so to speak. In humans it is wired to produce a neurological reward event in response to sex, thinking about sex, seeking sex, and orgasm. A simple way of saying "neurological reward event" is saying those things produce a "dopamine high." We get it from other things as well, but it turns out that for a small percentage the the population porn is the most efficient means of getting that dopamine high. Some come to prefer using that means to obtaining that high over all other means, and because it is so efficient it can be used to achieve the dopamine high, over and over, every day, for years. Once the brain comes to expect that high every day, once the brain comes to accept those highs as its "normal", the condition many call addiction forms.

By the way, @PanteriMauzer may be joking, but in some ways he is right. Getting thirsty, and drinking, also involve a neurological brain reward event, a dopamine high. There are certain very basic things that nature has hard wired us to want and seek and get. Eating, drinking, sex, are among them, and maybe the most important of them all.

At this point you might point out, William, but porn is not sex. True dat, but it is not only sex that is rewarded, but thinking about it, anticipating it, looking for it, having it, and getting the "happy" ending. The happiness in the happy ending is a dopamine high. Just that simple. We like that high without any mental illness or underlying problems because the high, in nature, is actually very, very healthy, and a great reward for doing what it, to nature, the most important thing any species can do: make more of themselves.

None of this, by the way, is a tragedy. Getting hooked on porn SUCKS. Quitting porn, once you are hooked on it, SUCKS, but both are really just a matter of training the brain, in the first instance, to expect the high, in the second, not to.

Understanding the history is important as well. We have always "loved" sex. We love thinking of sex. We love depictions of sex, because that makes us think of sex. The "love" as I have used is is the dopamine high, that is what we really love. Around 2007 we invented High Speed Internet Porn. We loved porn before, but HSIP is different. It is essentially endless. One can sit in front of a computer and search for a never before scene for days, every single day of a life, and never have to see the same scene twice. The brain, which rewards thoughts of sex, also rewards thoughts of sex with different partners. There is a genetic upside to moving DNA around and making new mutations, or, at least there was at some point in our evolutionary past. Seeing the same old image would be boring, but having the ability to search for constantly new material is exciting, exciting meaning results in a dopamine high.

@post writer, I do hope you keep this post open. If you do, I will write on it. Maybe we can teach each other something.

Much love.

WillIAM

 

Yeah it does seem like our background and life experiences make us what we are.

I enjoyed computer games from when I was around 7/8 up until I got the internet when I was 18/19. Those years were also conveniently when I had left school and drifted away from my mates. I became quite the recluse, seeing the internet as a coping mechanism for the lack of social life I was missing in the real world.

Although I divulged in porn and was able to fully develop an unhealthy online kink and fetish life, I was also able to create fantasy worlds in which the online me was actually this popular and successful person. I didn’t need a job or friends or anything IRL as my online life was so much better and more exciting.

That malaise lasted for well over 7 years when I was able to truly sort my real life out in 2012/2013 meeting my one only partner and moving away from the hermit lifestyle that had taken up much of my late teens and early twenties.

It never fully went away though. The porn and fantasy worlds that were such a huge part of that time of my life were just pushed to another area of the brain. Locked away until I needed that fix. Then I would bring them out if bored or lonely. I would get my dopamine fix and get high.

Unfortunately not truly understanding and identifying what my issues and addictions truly are ruined my one and only relationship. It’s only now I know that I was addicted, that my life choices and experiences and led me to a place of complete loneliness in which my mind thrived on creating fantasy’s for myself to keep my mind active.

It’s still there, they are still there, in my brain, and easy fix to brighten up what can be quite a dull and traumatic time in my life.

Im not sure they will ever go away fully but I have done things to rid the platform of getting lost in porn/fantasy.

My PC was a big trigger for 15 years and got rid of that a few months back. That was a huge help.

It will always be with me. I just need to make sure my real life is fulfilled.

 

One of the keys to overcoming this problem is to shrink it. Epic problems require epic solutions, and that is a trap I see a lot of members fall into. The addiction whispers to them that the problem is HUGE, going back years, to childhood trauma, to preexisting mental issues. That is why some members make no progress; they are spending too much time on mommy and daddy issues, and not enough time on fixing THIS. To anyone reading this, if you want to fix this problem, don't fix it casually or as a side gig: Prepare, learn the problem, and set a date to begin the hard 90. It is not called the hard 90 because it is 90 days of merely annoying and mildly anxious feelings The real fix it to bend the brain back to a pre-porn state. That is incredibly difficult for people who were using porn prior to even making it through puberty because they have, essentially, never experienced a pre porn post puberty brain.

It also helps to have a simple understanding of the neurology at work, because this problem is 100% a neurological problem. 100% above the belt, 0% below it. That is a counterintuitive truth all members should embrace. This problem has nothing to do with sex, and only tangentially has to do with porn. The reality we currently exist in is that we invented High Speed Internet Porn, and then the condition we call High Speed Internet Porn Addiction, before we had invented the science to fully understand it. Back in 2007, when we created a means of becoming addicted to porn, we did not have the studies or experience to name the problem correctly. No one has ever been addicted to porn. People become addicted to the neurological brain reward we can artificially produce using porn. That neurological reward event exists in all persons we call addicted, and to oversimplify it, it is a dopamine high. Though not as intense as the high we can get from porn or drugs or sex or "love", that feeling of euphoria and satisfaction we can get from being very hungry, then getting our favorite meal also produces a similar neurological brain reward event. The neurological reward event we use porn to achieve occurs in every other activity defined as addictive, and quite a few others not so defined. It is healthy and necessary to a happy life, but being smart moneys we have figured out unhealthy ways to use it to achieve highs that are higher than naturally occurring in nature.

One of the big problems many newbies have is their conception that they are "quitting porn." That concept is not false, but it is inexact. To be most successful in fixing this problem the member should understand they are not just quitting porn, but they are quitting using porn to achieve what they are actually addicted to: a dopamine high. Another conceptual problem some members display is the understandable desire to find a replacement for the high they get from using porn. That misses the point because the high some of us get from using porn is not replaceable with any naturally occurring activity. The point is not finding a healthy way to get the high, the point is learning to live without this unnaturally intense high.

It is helpful, and perhaps required, for the user to understand the addiction is not to "porn" (which as @post writer points out, the definition of which can be debated), but, rather, to the neurological reward event, the dopamine high. It is the dopamine high that is addictive, and that is quite simple to define. Don't intertwine porn addiction and quitting it with other problems in your life; that path is long and complicated. Understand that the ONLY reason you use porn is to obtain a dopamine high. If porn consumption did not give you that high, it would be boring to watch, about as interesting as watching paint peel. Watching paint peel is boring--unless of course you are sniffing it while it's peeling, which gives you a high nearly as good as porn. No, did not suggest snorting paint as a substitute for porn, just seeing if you are still reading. Don't consider the high you get from using porn a side effect of using porn, consider it the ONLY reason you use porn, and I use the word "use" deliberately; accept you use it as a tool to achieve your desired purpose: getting high. Using porn to the point of getting addicted is not something you caught, like a virus; it is a trained condition, that you trained yourself to arrive at. Your brain came to expect that high from prolonged and consistent use. Think of using porn as going to the gym. In that sense you were a gym rat.

These are some concepts that many members have used to successfully overcome this particular problem.

Hope it helps.

Much Love.

Will I AM

PS: Would love to have feed back.

 

Lots of great input here. Everyone has there own perspective. Mine might be different, and sometimes I like to keep things simple. These are just my opinions.

Obsessive porn use is an addiction, and porn addicts are sex addicts. Porn is our drug of choice, and it is powerful and readily available in huge quantities.

Seeking to identify and fix an “underlying” problem can be a tough errand, as well as perhaps a false quest. Life is full of challenges, and we all have human frailties and quirks. You can spend your entire life trying to figure it all out. Also, in some cases, you follow some huge number of steps to “change your life,” thinking you’ve checked all the boxes, so sobriety should follow. But then, maybe it doesn’t. What went wrong?

Perhaps what goes wrong is you didn’t focus on the actual problem. Your addiction. Focus on your behavior.

Crazily, in spite of all the complexity we find coursing through our brains, it is possibly really very simple. You’re either surfing and jerking or you’re not. The present moment when I am deciding whether or not to do that is where the battle lies.

For me, winning that battle requires a very powerful commitment to not start looking, or seeking porn or other sexually oriented images. Not sure I have the magic answer for that, but it has to come from within. No one else can do it for you. And consideration of all the aspects of porn use is fine, but I believe I can’t just think my way out of this. It requires a very emotionally powerful strength as well.

Best wishes.

 

Simply stated, and really the crux of the matter. It can be helpful to try and understand it, but when it comes down to it you either give in or you don't and find a way to stay on that path. I admit I've felt helpless myself, and have given in on a weekly basis for a long time.

I can also identify with what the OP said, as I've had mental issues most of my life including a very severe depression from the age of 18 to 25. But I do believe that this addiction affects people from all walks of life and backgrounds, whether we had a rough or happy childhood.

The overload of the senses that we get when being triggered from the sexual images all around us that are so embedded in society today don't make it any easier. And the ease of clicking and watching anything we choose is just too easy and hard to resist. Add all the images we've acted out to, favorite ones maybe that taunt us in our waking moments when we are trying to focus on other tasks -

I just started weekly therapy recently and most of it is centered around this addiction and it's connection to my self esteem and ongoing anxiety and depression. We discuss it all logically out in the open, and since I only act out 2 to 3 times a week, he doesn't completely get it, and refers to it as a "mild case". But I know different and he is starting to understand. The truth is the end result has always been for me the same, the next day I'm off and feel so shitty and just can't relate to people.

I was thinking about it today because it starts with a fantasy, those images you drank in every inch and imagined it was you, while pleasuring yourself. I started that today and I was going down the same rabbit hole, but I realized this is how it starts. It builds, and if you let it take over you are on your way to another episode, and you will resolve to do better because of the pain again - but there will be the next time, and the next one after that unless we put a stop to it.

And when is it ever enough? There is just too much stuff out there yet to be looked at, the novelty and the addictive excitement. I have no answer, but I agree that in order to get better, it comes down to a simple decision and the realization that every time you've given in, you've suffered again.

My goal now is to get to my next therapy session which is a week from today without giving in, and feeling the difference when talking to the therapist. I know from past experience that when I am separated from this addiction, I am OK. So much of a better feeling than feeling obsessed or helpless.

 

Why do you feel this way? Everything "hijacks" our neurology of our mind. That is how our mind works. Our mind is made to be "hijacked" by our environment. Everything we are, everything we identify us as, even the inner most core of ourselves is an object of our environment to the depth of our DNA.

Just like porn "work its devil's magic" on us, so does capitalism, culture, religion, family, our mental & physical health- however all of it works a "different" kind of magic, some which we would consider of the devil, others which we would consider of god.

In todays world we have lost touch with what humans before us knew as, and called "magic", we have misunderstood what magic is and have denounced its existence for it only to be stronger than ever before.
“The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he did not exist.”

We, and everything around is magic. Us communicating through space and time is magic. Me converying my thoughts, feelings and emotions to you is magic. What kind of magic will you let the enivronment work on you? The magic of porn, the magic of capitalism, the magic of religion, the magic of music, the magic of knowledge? What are you seeking, or rather, what are you?

As far as we know, even according to scietific beliefs, our existence, this universe and everything that is of it, is that of magic- as we know not the source nor cause of it all.

It is important to understand the difference between beliefs and reality, I feel that it is something many have lost touch of today. Science is a belief system of how one should study the environment and further understand it. Everything we know are beliefs. We believe something is because it seems likely to be what we believe it is, and is an important and great way of understanding and navigating our existence however it is important to not forget that they are merely beliefs and not reality. If you live by a certain belief you make it into your reality. Just like magic.

Edit: even nofap works its nofap magic on us just like porn works its porn magic on us, choose your magic, choose your world.

 

Very well said.