What is the right way to NoFap?

* Cold showers when horny
* Keeping yourself busy
* Getting a girlfriend
* Getting a bedtime routine that doesn't involve PM

 

I can only speak from personal experience, so this is what definitely works out for me.

1. I must exercise, and it should be intense, most days. This is for two reasons. One is, if you don’t PMO, you lose a significant source of dopamine and you need to replace it. It sucks that the replacement for the thing that feels pleasant is so uncomfortable, but that’s addiction recovery in microcosm. The second reason: exercise does a lot of positive things for mental health, and addiction is a mental health problem. When I screw up, I look at my journal and inevitably find my exercise has been inconsistent in the previous weeks.

2. I must journal. My memory is not excellent. If I don’t record, I forget. It’s helpful to know if my mood is trending up or down, if an adjustment to my recovery is working or not. Most of all, it helps uncover non-intuitive triggers. We all know IG and TikTok models are triggers. I didn’t recognize doomscrolling or “minor” confrontations as triggers until I caught it through the journal. As a third benefit, journaling every day keeps me reminded and invested in recovery.

3. I must stay occupied. I have to keep pursuing goals throughout the day. Even if it’s to relax, I have to pick a thing to do to relax, I can’t just sit down and do whatever, because whatever is the first step to PMO. I even must keep my mind occupied. If I start straying into a fantasy scenario, I have something chosen at the beginning of the day to think about. I repurpose my errant thoughts to that: solving a problem or thinking about a philosophical/ethical/spiritual/existential concept to form an opinion about it. Point being, it’s not an erotic scenario.

4. Long term, I must figure out what PMO is supplying me, aside from dopamine, that keeps me returning to it for soothing. Then I must find a better way to get that thing, something that isn’t mixed with the poison of being too easy and destructive. If it’s affirmation I need, seek affirmation from sources that don’t involve eroticism, or playing pretend. If it’s a sense of control I need, find something to control that doesn’t involve eroticism, or playing pretend. If it’s a sense of letting go, if I feel like I have too much responsibility and too much pressure in my life, and I need a time where people aren’t demanding anything from me, find a way to surrender and release that doesn’t involve… you get it.
So video games, which are designed to be beaten, are also playing pretend and these aren’t generally a good source of affirmation, control, or surrender. Depending on how they are used, obviously.

The approaches that are definitely worse.

1. Approaching with a porn informed mindset. Some guys come in, often from high motivation self-improvement corners of the web, with the hope that NoFap will help them seduce and bed more women. While I believe porn addiction unquestionably makes you a less attractive partner and a worse partner on most levels, the idea that you are doing this so you can be more effective at using other people for your own pleasure is going to keep you addicted. It’s just so much easier to use the people who have already prostituted themselves, who don’t challenge you. The ones I have seen that actually succeeded usually have decided the entire idea of human sexuality as presented by porn is wrong. They succeed by emphasizing sex as one component of relationships, usually just one relationship, not as the goal itself.

2. White knuckling. It isn’t all about force of will. You can’t win by building up the stakes, by swearing “never again,” or by simply toughing it out. You have to build systems, arrange your lifestyle to support recovery, and accept your limitations.

3. Compromise. This seems obvious, but a common mistake is pretending you can keep the M or the P without the O, or trying to figure out how close you can get to erotic before it “counts.” That isn’t taking addiction seriously. If you give it an inch, it will take a mile. Get as far away from it as possible.

4. Going hard on yourself. Shame and guilt are negative emotions that lead to triggers, and aren’t conducive to recovery. It feels justified, like you’re just being honest with yourself, but overemphasizing how bad you are is as much a lie as pretending porn is natural and harmless.

5. Going easy on yourself. You have to take it seriously. It has to stop.

 

For me it has been reading the testimonials and accounts of other users. This validates my decision to get away from this habit. When there are countless repeated testimonials of attraction, super powers, physical changes (facial, eyes, etc), and psychological changes, it tells me we are all on the right track. I get my inspiration to keep pressing from others who are sharing similar experiences. It tells me I'm not alone. We are just people like anyone else trying to rid ourselves of a very powerful and destructive habit. My approach has been to fail upward while gaining successes over time, little by little. Where I am now compared to where I was 5 years ago is remarkable when I look back.

 

I think the key to overcoming porn addiction is to ween off as opposed to quitting cold turkey, which is probably controversial for some, but I would rarely pass the 2 week mark trying to quit cold tukey, everytime I have weened myself off porn I have managed a few 60+ days streaks.

If you can quit cold turkey and never go back to porn then by all means do it. But I would say it is impossible for someone who is truly addicted to go from day 1 to complete abstinence, just like that. Those who quit cold turkey usually manage it by getting a few smaller streaks at first and if they relapse they get straight back on another streak. The result is kinda like they are weening themselves off.

Quitting cold turkey creates stress, and sexual suppression, really sexual desire should be allowed free expression. Personally, I don't have the energy to fight urges all day long until one day they suddenly go away. When you are addicted to porn your brain changes so that any thought associated with porn has an extra blast to it to make you go get it, and the longer you go the bigger that blast is.

Really you can't do anything to stop the inevitable relapse, what are you going to do sit on your hands all day? When your brain is really craving porn all you can do is delay until you really want it. Then when you do watch porn do it to the least stimulating thing you can manage.

Recently I have switched to softcore pictures only, and only when I really feel like it. I am sitting home alone right now on my laptop. I could easily go look at porn, but I know that I won't and I don't have spend any energy fighting urges because I don't feel like watching porn, especially because I know that if I do its only going to be some boring softcore pictures.

I am still early on, but I have only fapped once in the past week, and right now I have zero desire to fap at present following this method.