What is the meaning of my existence ? (+my story)

so first i know this text is long and probably has a lot of mistakes in it and also wrong words also i just written straigth out of my mind and well i use a lot of cursewords so if you cant handle that just dont read it i just wanted to get my thougths out and actually this really helped me






So i dont know why exactly i make this post and i know maybe not all will make sence to you i dont know i just wanna talk about me and my Problems wich i normally never do thats something i got from my dad i stuff all the bad shit i think about and that happen in my Life just down in myself i think it because i just always want to come over as this im untouchable guy this i got my shit together guy i give great advices about anything to a lot of people (my friends,coworkers,family) but dont know how to deal with my own Life man im almost crying writing this text this sucks hardcore

but fuck it so lets tell you my Story

Hi im a swiss guy and im 18
My life started really good i moved from a big town in a village at age of 5 and yeah i just lived life do what a regular 5 year old does i guess
then i did go to school i was a little shy but i did find some friends with time but i never did stuff with them i only meet them in school besides that i just hang out with my mom and sister but most of the time i was in my room reading books this continued from 1-6 Class i dont know why but i never had the need to like go out and do stuff with the age of 10 i started gaming on the PS2 from my dad later i got a nintendo ds and well i just played played played and played it was one day some guys talked about how dope it is to masturbate and how much fun it is and i was like really i never did it and they were like man you have to try its the best thing ever so i stroked at home and enjoined it and bamm orgasm and i was like wtfff this shit is to dope i never watched porns doe i either used my fantasies or looked at this clothing catalogs with women in underwear inside this seems so funny now and this made a lot of fun but i still wanted to like look at more stuff so when my parents where not at home i searched for some striptease videos on youtube or shit like that didnt masturbated doe i just watched that already was so satisfying i was way to scared to search for pornos doe but evetually i searched i actually was on a pornsite watched viedos and i turned me on so hard still didnt masturbate doe and i couldnt watch it a lot since my parents were at home most of the time

then i got in 7 class that means new school and a lot of new people and eventually the start of the 3 years that will shape my future but i didnt knew that i rember the first day likeit was yesterday i was soooo scared to leave the house even doe i wasnt as shy anymore so i meet my new classmates there were a lot of cute girls there first i just hang out with all the boys (also at the start of the 7 class i got my iphone)but we had a class chat on whats app and after a few weeks i chatted regulaary with all the ladies the other boys didnt have time to chat and they liked me because all thougth i was mad funny and that sticks to me till this day all people always say its so much fun to hang out with me because im funny i just make good jokes or do crazy stuff but lets just tell you my story so the ladies knew more people and i hang out with them after almost every school day i knew the whole school (or atleast all 7 classers) and they knew me i would say i was a popular kid but i wasnt a outsider and most people liked me exept the boys in my class they were all in to shooter games on pc and i just couldnt talk with them because i didnt knew shit about it so i eventually bougth a pc and started playing with them Black ops 2 with 12 years and i got a good conection to them but lost all other conections to the ladies and the rest of the school i also watched a lot of porn everyday i masturbated like 1-2 times a day i have like 1500 hours in that game man so much time wasted..
my grades got pretty bad since i didnt learn shit i got degraded in to a lower school level (sry idk how to translate that better) so diffrent school and a lot new people and my classmates well they dont liked me since i was from like this diffrent school and didnt talk so much so they thougth i was a little bit weird i also nearly never showerd so i probably smelled like shit i got beaten up a lot but i never fougth back i didnt want to figth them they didnt do something to me there was no reason and well that was the reason why i got beaten my freetime was only porn and gaming i also started with holding my orgasm back that could take up fromhalf an hour until 3 hours just watching and watching eventually it happens what had to happen i got bored i started watching animal porn or viedos where they act like they rape a girl bdsm granny shit you name it just messed up stuff and after every O i just got ashamed so bad i also started this fantasy where i imaging that im the girl in the video and also the guy that fucked (or atleast that was what i told myself) i knew i just acted like the girl and i started trying stuffing things in my ass man this gives me a boner rigth now fuck my brain so ähm i found that video one day the title probably was something like Cei porn Hypnosis for those that dont know what cei means like me back then that is a Cum Eating Instruction it started harmless like just some girl talking like yeah you do all that i say blabla and at the end she was like yeah and now eat it and i really like was so into it that i wanted to do it but after i Orgasm-ed i didn't liked it anymore and so i searched more of this videos to like actually do it and stuff and that is how i found "sissy porn" which is basically porn that tries to turn you into a slutty woman and i started to getting addicted to it normal porn was no longer a thing for me it was lame so i continued to watch it (i watched it probably for 1.5 year) and then i found a video about a guy that didnt fapped for 1 year and he says everything changed and so i started this journey

well that was my story also my parents splitted up now 2 years ago and before since 7 class i came home and my mother and dad were figthing or they cried i also feel like my mom raised me alone since my dad was an alcohol addict and pretty much didnt care for anything (hes clean now doe) that probably why i got way to feminim

My situation now:
im here 200 + day streak close to a relapse but dont woory i probably wont do it because i now after it i feel even worse then now i dont know how i should spend my life everything seems pointless the only like thing that gives me a sense is the gym thats like the major part of my life but still i mean im a virgin i never fucked and feel like i transition to an asexual now i also dont know how to meet new people i mean im more confident now but still talking to strangers is so scary to me like this first step i mean on parties of friends is easy i meet the most new people there just because its a chilling vibe and you just can ask so where do you know this friend of mine blabbla i think you know what im trying to say i am a construction worker and even doe i like my job i feel like im made for more i want much money but i also wanna do something i like and just cant find what to do and uhhh i feel like life is so fucking hard i wanna be succesfull so hard but am scared to do shit and still i have all this "sissy fantasies" every fucking day and aahh i also think to much about everything i just cant be stupid im just to scared of making mistakes i also have like this poetic characteristics i have so complex thougth of anything people often are stunned when i really open and just start to like "Poet" the mostly just are silent and listen and just are amazed like people litterly tell me this there was this one girl i liked she sometimes just gave me a sentence and i started saying my opinion Like "what is the meaning of my Life" and idk i just feel so smart and so speciall i just feel i just am made to do big things but dont know what and that together with my addiction just eats me up also i feel like my friends are just a bad influence because they mostly are negativ thats why i now most of the time chill at home i also hate clubs like its so dumb you go there drink to much and try to get laid like wtf and at the end of the evening i drive home and think wow what a shitty evening
i just am in a position rigth now where i dont know why im even here i search my porpuse and cant find it like hey there no reason to live i can just kill myself but i wouldnt even do that and rigth now the only thougth i have are mann i wanna buy lingerie i wanna wear it i hate this i just want to be normal

so i stop now this text is way to long anyway and probably has no point no message or no real context but if you really read everything maybe just give me your honest opinion

 

O

Okay so first thanks for answering im writing on the phone so dont be confuse if i make some mistakes

For you honestly dont break the conection to your friends i mean okay maybe sleeping with every girl you like is not your thing but they know how to get girls you feel me and if they are good friends they will help you find a girl

So then 200 days i know this maybe confuses you but i dont care about that number because after like 100 days it gets boring and also you just need willpower for it my tipp fpr that shower ice cold everyday (the days you really dont want to shower cold will helo the most if you still go in the shower)


The problem with my friends is we all are like almost brother kind of at lwast i feel so and i know some of them do that too but that also means we figth a lot and curse on each other i mean im not a pussy but always hearing this negativ stuff just fucks your subciouncs also most of my friends all are virgins


Plus for a good reebot i recommend a new hooby that you can get better at and gets you out of your house or even out of your comfort zone i go to the gym this als helps me to cool my aggresions

That also something i noticed on a longer streak (30+) you will either get depressed or aggresive and you really need something against it and if i dont hit the gym man i tell you somebody has to just look to long at me and i wanna punch him

Hope i could help you