What’s bothering me.

I posted a thread a while back speaking on my issues with insomnia and how they’ve been affecting me. One thing that stood out is someone replied with this video, where one thing that stood out to me was this:

Insomnia is the revenge of your mind for pushing thoughts and emotions away. What’s bothering you?

Well, to be honest, I haven’t given it much thought, which is probably why I’m having to deal with insomnia. But if it had to come down to it, it would probably be this, among other things, but I’ll just focus on one for now.

I have two older brothers, and from when we were kids, they would always treat me poorly. I know that they’re supposed to be my brothers and that’s common, but they would constantly down talk me and make me feel like an outsider. It’s died down since when we were young, but I just can’t seem to shake how they treated me.

One of them is what one would consider “smart” and therefore would take any opportunity to make me feel stupid, and also subsequently call me an “idiot” and “slow.” He literally said one day when we had an argument, “I’m smarter than you.” No prior context or anything. He’s a psychology major and a logical thinker, but he does have a bit of a temper, and he would always lash out at me sometimes for just being who I am. And he would always tell me to do something that was realistic, because I guess that the dreams that I wished to achieve were too big. He would respond to these in a sarcastic manner; ex. “I wanna be an architect.

Oh. You can draw?

I wanna be an MMA fighter.

Oh. You can fight?”

Everytime I told him what I wanted to do, he would shoot it down in an instant, making me feel like I shouldn’t dream of doing anything and just get a desk job. Sure, there’s nothing wrong with that, but why can’t I dream?

Anyway, My oldest brother is really into sports, like basketball and football. I’m more into combat sports, like MMA and wrestling. I think that because I gravitate more to those sports and not the sports he’s into, he’s resented me for it, making fun of me for watching “guys in tights.” It was funny at first, but he kept doing it, and it got under my skin. Even when I tried to pick up basketball and maybe try and get good at it, he would immediately shoot it down. He saw me pick up a basketball one day and he just said “give up.” It dejected me and made me feel like crap because I thought doing that would at least bring us together somehow, but it was done to no avail. I guess it was too late.

For years, they’ve kept me down and in my place, until one day, I snap. I tell them that they need to stop trying to keep me down, to which they replied with almost half-hearted apologies, saying that I’m “too sensitive” and that “that’s just the way we communicate with each other.” I have two sisters, as well, one older, one younger. But out of the three of us, I caught the most hell from them growing up for some reason. When they apologized, I tried to reiterate that they not talk down to me just so we were clear, and they were just over it. My oldest brother said, “if you don’t wanna accept it, then don’t. If I die right now, I have no regrets.”

Like I said, it’s died down since then, but I think about this all the time and just how badly I wanna punch them in their faces. I get that it’s in the past and I shouldn’t hold grudges, but the way they bullied me when we were younger left a lasting affect on me.

I grew up with my fair share of self esteem issues and insecurities like everyone else. It may be wrong to place the blame all on them, but the way I saw it, these were my brothers, and I figured they would’ve known me better than anyone else, so it always stuck with me when they talked down on me.

Even if we’re all adults now, I can’t even be comfortable around them without feeling like they’re going to say something to attack my character. We really don’t talk as much, and we’re not close at all. It weighs heavy on my mind everyday, and I feel as if I were to bring this up to them again, they would automatically feel like I still haven’t gotten over it, which I haven’t.

It sucks to hear negativity from other people, but it sucks a little more when it’s your own family. And honestly, that could be a reason why I have insomnia, because I suppose I haven’t made peace with it yet.

What do you guys think?

 

Yeah my parents were around, but they were adamant about just going to school and getting a job in my career field. They were kinda insensitive about getting bad grades, so I didn’t really tell them much about that kinda stuff. I love them though, and there wasn’t much abuse from them. They were doing what they could to keep me on the straight and narrow, so I appreciate them for that, but the real issue, I feel, is with my brothers.