For a long time I was sure I had to say "NO !" to an urge, be stronger, "be a man". Every-time I relapsed I thought I was worthless, had no spine, not enough determination. I started meditating a while ago, and came across guided-meditations. Lately I found a great method, the L.E.N.D. method. It goes like this : When I feel the urge to PMO, I use "L.E.N.D." to study my inner tsunami as a whole. L is for Look : I look inside myself and objectively describe the situation, without judgment. E is for Emotion : I let the emotion express themselves fully. I let the bubble go all the way to the surface. What do they have to say ? I only have to listen. What is happening inside of me ? N is for Need : I try to identify and formulate the one or multiple needs behind these emotions. What is really lacking ? My body is talking to me. I listen to what he has to say. D is for Demand : I formulate my inner demand clearly, in a way that is tangible, positive and negotiable. Of course by this point I have realized that it is not the PMO that I really need. Something else is lacking and need my loving care. Be it an simple cuddle with myself, a walk, a need to write, to talk, to exercise, or even to seriously consider that one career I always thought I might pursue but never dared to acknowledged fully. Love yourself in the fullest and more meaningful way. Look, Emotion, Need, Demand. Next time you feel the urge, L.E.N.D. yourself a hand !
I'll take an example from experience : That day I'm feeling a big urge to relapse. I'm thinking about all kinds of triggering stuffs. I'm thinking of touching myself, but it reminds me of the phrase "to L.E.N.D. myself an hand". Then I switch focus and follow the method. I calm myself by focusing on my breathing. I take my time to follow each step. L for Look : I close my eyes and look inside. I see a raging urge, a violent storm of urgency and a great need of relief. I keep my hands away from my body. E for Emotion : I recognize and name the emotions : Rage. Self-hatred. Stress. Feeling of lack. Urgency. Single-mindedness. Automatic action. "Now-now-noooow". N for Need : I look the false need in the eye. "I need a fix" is a lie we all tell ourselves. What do I really need ? That time it was late, I needed sleep. I needed it badly. Another time I needed someone to feel sorry for me. Another time I needed to exercise, to use my excess of energy. Each time you have to take the time to hear what your body is telling you. You only need to ask and be willing to quiet down and listen to whatever arises. D for Demand : Following the identification of the real need that needs care, I formulate my demand. If I need sleep : I demand that my body soothes itself, I demand my breathing and my heart's beating to calm down, I focus myself on relaxing thought. If I'm alone I play relaxing sounds on YouTube or a guided-meditation about finding sleep. If I need someone to feel sorry for me : I accept it, and that's all right. I text a dear friend, I write on this forum, I call a loved one, and if it's late at night I write an e-mail or I hand-write in my journal. I do whatever it takes to feel better and loved. If I need exercise : I get away from any screen, I leave my phone at home and I go for a walk or a run. If the need is mild I do push-ups or jumping jacks. For every need there is a demand that you can make. It's a inner journey, you have to find your solution to each need. You are smart and strong enough already. You only have to take you time, calm down and listen. Your true self knows what is best for you. When you quiet down and really listen, you'll hear what is appropriate for you right know.
