This post is a response to this thread http://www.nofap.org/forum/showthre...s-has-your-partner-noticed-anything-different. Telling your significant other (SO), whether she is your wife, fiance, or just a girlfriend, that you are a porn addict and now doing nofap as a way to quit porn, can a daunting task. I had this conversation with my girlfriend after I relapsed from the chaser effect. We had sex one night, and 15 minutes later, while she was sleeping, I was PMO'ing. At that stage I already shared with her my attempt at nofap and I was keeping her up to date. The second day, with shame, I told her what I had done. First of all it's going to be a difficult discussion, for me it was one the most difficult in my life. It wasn't difficult because I didn't have arguments, on the contrary, I had many arguments backed up by science. It is difficult because of her strong emotions and the fact that no matter what you say will have little effect on her emotions. To do an outline of what is going to happen 1. you'll have to admit that you are masturbating to porn 2. then you'll have to admit that you cannot stop, it's a compulsive behavior, you have an addiction 3. then you'll tell her that you are making an effort to stop, thus nofap 4. in the end you will tell her the reasons why you are stopping It might sound simple but remember this talk is not about facts, it's about her emotions. At every step she will have mixed, strong emotions, and you will have to gauge for them and try to soothe them. To good news is that her emotions are quite predictable, and they appear in a certain order, more or less. To better understand I suggest you also read the thread here, it's a perspective of a wife of a porn addict http://www.nofap.org/forum/showthread.php?2461-Another-female-perspective-part-1 To summarise: She will feel confused why you need to look at other women. She will feel cheated because you need to M to other women. She will feel angry at you. Every time she will present resistance to you, or act strangely, see what is she feeling in that moment. The best way to counteract her feelings is acknowledging them and being empathic. You could say for example "I understand why you are feeling cheated, but please understand that I don't want to cheat on you, I just simply cannot stop myself". If you want her to be understanding of you, you need to be understanding of her FIRST. Don't expect her to tell you how she's feeling, she won't do that. You need to gauge her emotional level, and do so constantly, because they will change many many times during the talk. As I said, it's going to be a difficult discussion because, on one hand, all you will want to talk is about dopamine, reward center, desensitisation, nofap community, and other people who have the same struggle as you have, while on the other, hand she will want to talk about her emotions. It's going to be difficult for you because you are not used to talk to her this way. But I think now that you know what to expect, you are prepared for it. There are many reasons why you are telling her all this - you want to be completely honest with her and don't want to have secrets from her - you feel that you are helpless sometimes in front of this addiction and need her help and support - you want to stop wasting your energy and seed on virtual women - you want to stop cheating on her, even if it's virtual - you want to do it for her, because you love her and don't want to make her suffer Just make sure that she understands why you are telling her all this. Let her know somehow that you need her by your side. Opening yourself up to her, showing her that you are vulnerable will make her feel more compassion and love for you, and she will respect you more for doing so. This is just my perspective and it worked for me. My advice is to wait 30 days before you tell her. Actions speak much more than words and promises. And from my experience, every relapse is difficult on her, so once you know you can reach 30 days, your chances of relapses will diminish significantly. Another good perspective on how to tell your SO is from Mark Queppet from Sacred Sexuality. I think this is the right link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDGwFlYFPqw
Thanks so much for taking the time to write this, it is really appreciated. This seems to be sound and insightful advice that is coming from experience and I can recognise the emotions there that I anticipate my wife going through. However I know am not ready yet and will certainly wait until my 30 days if not longer. There is still a lot that I haven't worked out for myself and I need to be really geared up and know my own situation inside out before I can attempt explaining it to anyone else. There is also this next reason..... In the last 6 months my wife hasn't been 100% and has been going through a period of great anxiety and low libido, this is obviously hard for me and she knows that as we have talked about it. I know she can be sensitive and I fear that if I told her now then she could easily misconstrue it as me trying to subtly tell her that it is her fault that I am masturbating so much and using porn (which of course it isn't because I've been doing it for years alongside a normal sex life). Before I began to understand my addiction even I thought that our sex life and my masturbation habits were connected, but now I know they are not because it makes no difference how much sex we are having, I still have to do it, in fact the more sex we have the more I want to do it which is ridiculous! I'm sure there will be many that can relate to this. Thank you once again for your effort and care.
