Hi ya'll, I brought this question up on my journal. And the resounding opinion was to not tell my wife (at least not yet) about my struggles with PMO. Which was great, because the advice aligned with my own opinion. However, I keep thinking that not telling me wife will come back and bite me later when either (1) she finds out because I wasn't careful and left a noFap screen up or (2) I tell her myself and she is really offended I didn't tell her as soon as I signed up for noFap. In order to properly give me advice, I have copied and pasted the backstory I wrote in my journal below. thanks in advance. ======================================================== (May 21, 2015) Today, I want to talk about my marriage. I started reading @@Haggis's journal and felt jealous about him being able to open up to his wife. I have not opened up to my wife and don't think I will anytime soon, but, I do desire to have a marriage where I don't have to hide noFap. The reason I can't tell my wife is complicated, but here are my thoughts. Twice over the past 10 years of our marriage I came clean with my wife about my porn addiction. Both times, she told me that I was basically cheating on her and that she would rather I fix the problem instead of talking to her about it because talking about it made her feel worse. 5 years ago in a restaurant, she confronted me about an incident earlier in the week when she thought I was looking at porn, I chose to be completely honest and admitted and apologized. She proceeded to get really upset in a public place. I immediately got upset too and told her I have a problem that I have been unable to control and having her chide me for my problem wasn't helping. Eventually, I couldn't take her anger towards me and I walked out the restaurant and walked the 5 miles home. For the past 4 years, I think my wife has come to terms with my porn addiction. She no longer confronts me about looking at porn on the computer. She no longer asks me what I was doing in the other room. I think she would rather not know. She might have even found a way to lie to herself and convince herself that I no longer look at porn (the 2nd time I came clean she said she thought I quit, even though the evidence was all around her that I hadn't). I am not mad at her about how she handles my porn addiction. Admittedly, I used to be mad at her for not being supportive when I told her I wanted to quit and she refused to be support me. I too have come to terms with the situation. These days, I have come to realize she is just being herself and that her feelings are truly hurt, and that she doesn't know what to do either. So... what are the exact reasons I won't tell me wife, at least not yet, about noFap and my porn addiction: For the past year, our marriage has been steadily improving. In fact, the past 4 weeks have been the best 4 weeks of our marriage ever. I don't want to take a chance and ruin that. I already told my wife I was quitting twice (8 years ago and 6 years ago) and then failed to quit. Coming clean to her back then didn't help. This time, I want to have a few days (maybe 60) under my belt before I tell her what I have been up to. Eventually, I'd like to be able to share my noFap posts with her, but, I am not sure I ever could. Why? because I don't see myself ever being able to tell my wife about the depths of my porn addiction, about the types of porn I masturbated too. Over the past 22 years, I had to keep finding novel things to get mea new high and these days I will look at just about anything (i.e. BBC, lesbian, fap hero, transgendered person, gay, sissy hypno). How could I? There is no way she could understand. But... at the same time... I know telling her would be a weight off my chest. You probably have noticed my blatant honesty and openness in my posts (my apologies if I trigger people with some of writings). But, I feel compelled to spill my guts, because there is not a single person in the non-internet world I have ever been able to share this part of my life with. It feels therapeutic to tell-all. I wish I could tell my wife everything, but, wouldn't that be selfish of me? Why should she have to hear everything just because it will make me feel better? I'd love ya'lls perspective on this, especially the perspective from other married men. As much as I would be embarrassed to share my noFap posts with my wife, I secretly wish it would happen without my knowledge.
I have been married for almost 7 years now, and I know 2 things. 1) My wife HATES it when I lie to her, and even worse when I am caught lying to her. 2) My wife secretly knows everything thats going on. Come clean, talk to her. Make her part of the process. She might not encourage you, she might not hold your hand on the path, but she isn't doing that now, is she?
Mr mom- You clearly love your wife. In my opinion, you already told her. I am ALL FOR opening up with your partner about PMO and I am glad that I found out even though Haggis didn't tell me, I had to find it on my own, for years. I had stopped bringing it up to Haggis but it wasn't because I accepted his addiction, it was because I didn't know what else to do. He swore for years that he had quit but I kept finding it- I didn't accept it, I gave up. What if your wife is in the same boat? She probably found it on your computer many more times than she brought it up to you. If she asks why you didn't tell her sooner, I would remind her that she didn't take it so well the past 2 times you brought it up and you wanted to get a little time of no PMO under your belt before you told her. I hope this helps!
I saw your post in your journal and although I normally advocate telling your SO, in this case I think it is not going to help. The best...absolute BEST thing you can do right now is just stay the path for yourself, be proud of yourself and in a year from now tell her you've been porn free for a year and let her in on everything...blow her mind a bit! She is not going to believe you if you tell her now so just work to prove her wrong. We all know how much spouses like to prove the other one wrong...right?! I think you are wanting to share the success with her right now but it may backfire if she treats it like nothing and mistrusts your progress.
Like always, an excellent suggestion from Limeaid. Dude, you can't tell your wife you masturbate to gay porn and BBC just because "It feels therapeutic to tell-all". C'mon ! Do you need to tell your kids and your mother too how you mastrubate to transexuals ? You are a grown man who can handle his problems, you know what is wrong, you know how to fix it. You have the time you need, the books and the informations you need, and you have us to support you ! She doesn't need details that would totally destroy her and you couple. If she thinks "you watching porn" = "you cheating", she will think "you watching gay porn" = "you being gay", (which you are not, but how could you explain that to her?). If you really want to tell her about your addiction because you want her to support you, I suggest you just tell her you are still struggling with it, how it makes you depressed and angry, etc... But there is things other people cannot carry for you, dark images that you must leave behind you. Obviously, your wife is scared from porn, she doesn't want it to ruin her couple and her family, she want to reject it as far as possible, so I really think it would be a bad idead to tell her about all these things - because you would give life to her fears about porn : it would invade her life, her family, and ruin it. You are a grown man who can handle his problems, who knows what is wrong and how to fix it.
Thanks everyone! I was looking for more perspectives, especially the female perspective, and you all delivered! I was not planning on telling her for a while. And, I have not decided how much I will tell her when I do bring it up. There is a very low probability that I will tell her every single detail, as I agree with @Proxydore, that doing that, would be mostly selfish and unnecessary. I really wanted to make sure there wasn't some compelling reason tell my wife right now from the female perspective that I hadn't thought of. thankyou!
Dont worry man. I am in the same boat. I know how sissy hypnos, captions and other things affected you because it affected me too. Dont be hard on yourself. I believe you should have lost your self respect just like me. Get it back. Do you know one of the reason you are addicted to those things? because you have low self esteem and the reason you have low self esteem is because you are addicted to it. its a vicious cycle man. Another main reason is the dopomine in your brain. Its fucking men up. Do you seriously like transgendered people, sissies in real life. No. you find it disgusting but in porn your mind secretes dopomine and making you addicted to it. Realize every time you have the urge that its just the your brain playing trick with you. fuck the dopomine. if the dopomine trying you play you, fuck it. you might sometime feel like you will do it for a one last time and its not a big deal, remember how many times you have been fall pray for that stupit reason. Its not going to stop. The very reason you have to stop is because you are getting the urge that you can do for one more time and its not a big of deal. Also engage in other activities to spend some dopomine. exercising, reading, watching sports (UFC, Football etcc.), playing games, helping your wife(its the greatest thing you can do for her after wasting her life)....
