Very new to all of this

Hi everyone my name is matt.
Im going to apologize now for the long intro story and state that i will try my hardest to keep it all making sense.
Im 28 y/o. i have two sons and and a very supportive wife.
Here goes the story.
I discovered porn at somewhat an early age of 10 or 11. i was at my moms bfs house and decided to look at the website for the first x-men movie. Typing xmen without the hyphen wasnt about the movie. at first i thought nothing of it but was curious. probably about a year later is when i started masturbating. It was always to porn or related thoughts. it would be to crude web images or skinemax when i was visiting my grandparents. then a friend introduced me to filesharing programs like ares or kazaa. would download videos that way. then when i was 19 or so is when the advent of high speed internet and streaming became available it escalated.
Ive only had two real relationships. im currently in the second one with my wife. the first one i did pmo in secracy the entire time. We didnt live together so it was easy to do it when she went home. It was close to everyday, sometimes even if we fooled around, or had sex once we started having sex(i wasnt sexually active except for pmo until i met this girl at 17, and while we fooled around, we didnt start having sex until i was 19). Ive never admitted to it, it never came up. When i ended up with my wife, the first year i barely did it maybe once or twice. Then, when the smart phone came along i did it very regularly wether it was at home in the morning while people were sleeping or in the bathroom at work. about two years ago the subject came up and i actually admitted it to her to doing it somewhat regularly. she asked me not to do it anymore, i lasted about 2-3 months. as of this year it was getting pretty bad, for me anyway. at least three times a week. sometimes more...sometimes less.
The realization of the addiction to porn started at the beginning of this past november. my wife went through my phone at random which is something she never does. there was some stuff in there that i forgot to cover my tracks on that she found and she got very upset with me and i assured her that there was nothing else(even though there was. alot of it). at that point i told myself i wont ever again. it didnt work. i did it twice since that night. The last being monday the 28th. the next tuesday she went through my phone again and asked questions about some stuff. the amount of paranoia that ensued is almost unbelievable. i did everything in my power to go through computers and my phone to delete stuff even down to finding out how long my ISP holds IP logs. this lasted from about thursday, the 1st, until last tuesday. i came home from work and just broke down to her. wednesday and thursday were the same. letting her into every deep dark thought i ever had and wierd porn ive ever watched. it was a weight off my shoulders, but id hurt her alot. mostly because of the lying. She also brought me to realize that ive experienced some sexual trauma as a very young(4-5) age. at that point i realized i had a problem but was still lost.

I scheduled an appt with a counselor which will be thursday. not sure how long ill be able to keep that up as its really expensive for me.
After doing research i found your brain on porn, which led me here. This helped me realize that im in the process of withdrawl. the thoughts going through my head are scaring the hell out of me. from flashbacks to the porn ive watched, to turning everything into a sexual thought, even with my boys, which is the worst for me. id never hurt them, i would never let that happen. i just keep telling myself that its the addicted part of my brain doing everything it can to get me to succumb to it. im proud of the person i am when i wasnt watching or thinking about porn.
What is scaring the hell out of me is how easily accessible it is for me. having a smart phone is going to be a true ying-yang situation. i use it for work, and now, more than ever, this. but its so easy to get back to it. even if i delete apps and stuff its not to say i just download them again.

I feel i need to say that i am thankful this has never escalated into anything past PMO. but im still very ashamed of the chances i took with where ive done it, as well as some of the situations i was in when i let myself go. im also thankful my wife is standing by me and understanding that this is an addiction for me.

As far as hobbies to keep me occupied i have those too. im a very avid motorcyclist and a big fan of motorcycle road racing. im also a big nerd for anything comics and star wars and dabble into anime, mostly dragonball. im here to chat about that stuff if you want as well.

I still have alot of thoughts going through my head and am at 2 weeks today PM free. excited to be a part of this community and believe it will be a strong tool to fighting the urges.

Thanks

 

This helped alot.
And yes the brain is a powerful thing. i too realize now i might have anxiety issues and just never realized it.
Yesterday the thought of going to work scared me as thats where ive been failing alot recently but today hasnt been so bad. took your advice and started listening to some music and kept my mind on work or motorcycles.

Im already seeing a light in the form that im thinking about my wife more emotionally and less physically. this gives me hope to stay on the high road.

Also knowing there are people here dealing with the same struggles helps. it allows me to relate to something. thankful for this place.