VENTING — I'm desperate and I'll soon hit rock bottom if something doesn't change

Just relapsed. I feel like I need to vent, and could use some advice as well.

About me: I'm a 20yo male college student from Brazil. I have been addicted to pmo since age 11 and have been trying nofap on and off since 2020-2021ish, but it was only this year that I started to take this a bit more seriously. My longest treak was around 23 days, and it happened in a very pecculiar context. In around April of this year, I joined an accountability group for nofap, something I feel has really helped me. But ever since this semester began, progress has been lackluster, to say the least. I've found that I use PMO mostly as a stress reliever and subconscious method of self-sabotage, and ever since last year, I've been pretty stressed: over a year ago, my father was hospitalized and nearly died. We are up to our necks in debt and money has been a huge problem: we essentially live off help from family members (we also live with my grandma since we can't afford to pay the bills anywhere else). I worked with a research project last semester (which payed me, though a ridiculously small amount) but decided to call it quits because I no longer found any enjoyment on what I was doing and planned on getting some freelance jobs (I'm a translator) as soon as my duties with the research were finished. That last part didn't happen, though, and I blame PMO for that: I can't get anything done. I'm a straight-As kind of student but my performance has been HEAVILY affected by PMO. I now arrive late to classes, always turn in my homework either late or on the last minute and my grades are starting to drop. I can't get a job like that: translation projects (especially when you're just starting out) tend to have ridiculously tight schedules and you are in a lot of trouble if you don't turn shit in on time. I also have to admit I think I bit more than I could chew this time: signing up for 7 subjects wasn't the wisest decision on my part, I'll admit that. My dad now has a job (he spent the whole year unsuccessfully looking for one), which means we'll get some money when he gets paid, but until then, we're absolutely dirt broke. I'm anxious af and on medication, have a bit of a history of mental problems ever since my teenage years (and have been a very anxious person since... forever, I guess). I have discovered self-improvement over a year ago, but have been having a lot of diffculty getting consistent and, especially, making progress on nofap. I also have a girlfriend. I told her about my problem but we don't discuss it much; I don't want to get her too involved in this, it'll probably damage our relationship. I haven't had many performance issues apart from some PE which I usually address via the use of benzocaine condoms. There are many things going well in my life that I haven't mentioned: I, for once in my life, have formed a great social circle, I've been hiking consistently with friends, I have a loving gf and lots of ambition and dreams, and I definitely feel much better mentally than I did around 5 years ago.
I have been relapsing almost daily for a couple of weeks now. This particular aspect of my life feels like a goddamn nightmare, and it has been fucking up other areas of my life as well (namely my productivity and sleep, which in turn messes up my relationships since it robs me of time and energy, and the effects of that have been noticeable).

I apologize for the numerous grammatical mistakes I've definitely commited and for sounding like a less poetic Holden Caulfield on coke, I'm not in a great place rn. I guess I just wanted to vent and listen to whatever you might have to say. My dad doesn't know about any of this (only a handful of people do, none from my family, and I intend to keep it that way for as long as possible) and we have been talking a lot about me getting a job, but I'm scared to death. How tf am I going to be able to keep up with demands if I take a full day (or more) just to write the damn draft of the translation of a single page? Both my dad and my gf have already said they want me to spend more time with them but I haven't done it cause PMO (or trying to resist it) take away all my time. I feel like the walls are closing in.

Thanks for anyone who read this mess until the end. I'll check any comments or messages tomorrow, I have to go to bed now. Any help, advice or comment is very much appreciated. Thank you.

 

Thanks for the response. Yeah, I actually use Blocksite, but I've just automated turning it off or using workarounds. And yeah, I'm gonna try to go to the gym like 4 times a week, even if my train is a very light one. It's just so I can get consistent, which has been my main struggle. Thanks for the advice. Yeah, the "one day at a time" rule is absolutely golden. I have to be more mindful so that I can remind myself of it more often

 

Thanks so much for the kind words! Yeah, I know it's all in my hands and I'm the only one that can turn things around. I made it to three days, I guess. Fucked up again today. Badly. It was a pretty big L, tons of wasted time, it was just a sad day, which has been happening quite a bit for me. Now gotta get back up and get ready to face tomorrow. Thanks, again, for the kindness. I'll do better tomorrow and the day after. And I'll never lose hope! We're all gonna make it

 

Thanks for the words. I'm sorry to hear about your story. Hope you're in a better place now, and if you aren't, hope you're still moving forward to try and get there. Thank you, really, for the kind and beautiful words. I'm never quitting nofap. I have to do my best because it's all I have to offer, it's all any of us have to offer in life. Yeah, I suppose I should be thankful for my setbacks, cause I know the obstacle is the way and there's no growth, self-discovery or any change, really, without discomfort. Thanks for the reminder, though. I need to hear this from time to time.