UPDATE: 4.5 Years PAWS Recovery

Hi all,

I have been meaning to write an update on my overall progress:

This month marks 4.5 years (or 54 months) of recovery. The good news is that I am 100% healing, however 99% of the time it simply does not feel that way. A few weeks ago I woke up out of the flatline. No brain fog, a clear mind, no fatigue, and my libido was through the roof. Morning wood was at about 50/55% which is the strongest it has been in a very LONG time. This state lasted for approximately 2-3 days until I dropped back into the flatline once more.

What it feels like is that my body is moving back towards the peaks and trough phase of recovery. A few months in flatline, followed by a few days feeling almost normal. What this reminded me is that how we feel on a daily basis, is not actually our true state. For me, I believe the body is going through deep recovery while we are in the flatline and will eventually emerge once enough healing has taken place. What this confirmed for me also is that healing really is a switch. You could feel absolutely terrible one day and the next you can be healed. This is actually something that I argued against in this thread, but after my own experience I do believe healing can take place fairly quickly, if not instantaneously.

While I felt great, I could recognise that I was not at 100% and could almost feel that there was still a little bit more recovery needed. How much more recovery? I still do not know. I am 6 months away from 5 years, and I would not be surprised if recovery surpasses 5 years for me.

In regards to my private life, I have had to walk away from my job of 6 years. I realised that for me it was a big factor in slowing down my recovery (due to all the work stress). My plan is to take the next few months away from work so I can go really focus in on recovery. Another point is that over the past month I have found that I have slightly less energy. I have always been a regular gym goer, but recently I have found I simply do not have the energy at the moment to go. I try to go at least twice a week if I can, but most of the time the energy simply is not there.

Anhedonia is now gone but has been replaced with daily feelings of depression, frustration/anger and boredom. Something that NOFAPSuccess2018 said to me (a PAWS rebooter) is that before he fully healed, things seemed to get worse. His symptoms heightened for a bit and then one day he woke up out of the flatline and healed. I do not know if this is the case for me also, but I think it is worth hanging onto this thought when things get really rough. In someways I do believe that the worse that some of our symptoms get, the deeper into healing we are getting rather than the further out. So I honestly say welcome the dead dick, welcome the depression and welcome the lack of libido.

Final point to mention is wet dreams. I think the average rebooter hates wet dreams and sees it as a set back. For me I average around 1 wet dream every 6-8 weeks. As much as I hate losing energy to a wet dream, I think for me it is healthy to release some of the older sperm and release some of what sexual tension may have built up. If I can, I catch some of the wet dream with a kegel, to allow a lighter release and lessen any sexual urges that come up. But this is simply my take and I understand if others do not agree.

I simply wanted to provide an update and say that recovery absolutely is possible for all of us, it is simply a case of being patient and persistent. Wishing everyone the best with their recovery.