Unaware or lying about P-Subs REALLY??

Often the addict may not realize that he is p-subbing. Consciously we think “it’s not porn so it’s ikay.” It’s our Addict Brain getting us to give it a dope hit. I’ve done this countless times: Pinterest, nude art/photography, etc. But I realized it inevitably led to either MO or PMO and stopped. And still it happens. I find myself looking at Ashley Graham pics and I have no clue how it happened or what prompted me to search for that (I mean other than she’s smoking hot).

Point is—he may be unaware so he needs to be. He needs to understand that Addict Brain will turn to just about anything—bikini pics, FB albums, IG pics, art, erotic lit, late night Cinemax, album covers, fashion magazines, hot rod calendars, car mags, celebrity photo sites, Macy catalogs (bra and panty section), Craigslist, poster websites, modeling agency websites, NFL cheerleader sites, women’s volleyball, anime, comic books, and even living breathing women. It’s ridiculous the lengths Addict Brain will go to for that dopamine.

He needs to know. He needs to be aware.

And he needs to not lie. Own it.

 

We went through this back in July. In my case, he was lying to himself about what he was doing. I told him you had a choice to see something like that and go the other direction, but you didn't. I was seriously ready to leave over it because of the lying! That ended up bringing about the biggest change him my husband, so hopefully this slip up will open up communication between you two even more and he can be honest with himself and you. Hugs.

 

I think it's important to understand this is not just personal or interpersonal, not even psychological strictly speaking - it's neurological.

There have been times when I honestly couldn't remember if I PMOd the next day, I had to go look at the little physical evidence. Of course I understood there is a possibility that I did and don't remember, and in that situation I was not confronted.

Frankly a lot of what gets posted about is a description of the problem, even article by experts - but we want a SOLUTION and not just a description. And social support is great, even if it is just an online community, but not only is that not personal and therefore not as effective as in person or voice, it's only one part of the solution as far as I'm concerned. So we have a diluted partial solution at best.

 

BTW this is whefe strengthening executive functioning may come in, I wonder if people ignore the less direct (apparently) things and just repeat the dame basic stuff. If it's recognized as a serious problem we would want to avail ourselves to every edge and advantage possible.

 

Moderating one’s self in an addiction is probably the hardest part. Sex is EVERYWHERE.

But yes—you are not his mommy.

One thing that helps me is I ask myself “why am I inline? What is my purpose?” And I try to fulfill only that purpose. Be it shopping, research, recovery work etc.

I’ve all but stopped social media. Disabled news feeds.

 

Sounds like he’s making a concerted effort. He’s going to stumble—that happens. Good that he has your support.

 

Let me ask you this, to what extent does he design his own recovery? By that I mean having a comprehensive understanding of all aspects and not just have a fairly long list of things to do, many of which may be on autopilot.

Going back to executive functioning, self control is just one aspect and it is again more from a descriptive perspective, working memory is another part of executive functioning and there are exercises you can do to work on that like dual n back. I realize it ends up being a lot of self study and self improvement, but maybe that's what it will really take to root out those deep tendencies rather than just being satisfied with fairly long streaks. Someone mentioned dry drunk in another thread, the same principle applies here.

 

Hello @Torn! You are doing an excellent job! It's three more day until 90 days, a big milestone! He's also doing great effort, he must continue! I'm wishing you the best from the deepest depths of my heart to give you that special "90 days PM free" present for Christmas!

 

I think part of it is being unaware that the mind is doing what it is doing and the harm, and the other part is their addiction which will do anything it can to get them to look. My ex addict had an ogling problem after he quit PMO. He would not admit he was doing it, I really think he had no clue. It was only after my Mother and several of his own friends pointed it out that he realized. To me it was so obvious to the point of being embarrassing but he could not see it. I also ran into a few circumstances just like the one you describe, where there were what I would describe as psubs on his phone or computer and of course he would deny it or say that was not porn. I think what someone said above about how much is he regulating his recovery and addiction is truly the most important. It cannot be you saying don’t look at that p sub, it has to be him saying this p sub is bad for me and this is a p sub. Until he gets there he is unlikely to recover. He needs to see the harm, not have you point it out. Do I think that some men and women accidentally click on porn or psubs or get pop ups or virus’s of course i do, but it seems addicts in recovery get them a lot m ore . . . I am just saying that you don’t know what to believe from an addict unfortunately.