Unable to share my struggle with the one person I'm supposed to share everything with

You are not alone is this predicament. I too kept my addiction a secret for the better part of 2 decades, until I eventually lost all interest in being with her. I am now in the process of getting divorced and all I want to do is beat myself up about it.

I however, wonder if it really was a secret. We think that we can compartmentalize our addicted "secret" life from our outward public life and personal relationships. It may have never come up in conversation, but I am fairly sure my wife was aware that all the nights I came to bed long after she had already went to bed, that something not good was going on. Yours is a very common tale in our community I am sure. Don't lose hope. At some point, it will behoove you to share your struggle and perhaps save your marriage. I only wish I had the courage to do so. Steep price being paid now.

 

If you tell him, it will help you. Inform him that this addiction is a serious thing, and many people struggle with it. Ask for his support. I have two real life APs, and it has really helped me. If I needed support, I would go and talk to them about it, or I would call one.

If you're having trouble telling him, just tell yourself to be brave. Let all the fear bleed out of you

~Squeaky Soul

 

Take your time. Don't feel pressured to tell him tell him when it feels right. This isn't a disease and you are a good person. You are just someone who has struggles with it. At times I know it feels unbearable but thats what it is and thats what we've got. You will be much stronger going through the process.

I know you feel he should know everything and maybe one day he should know but let it be that day don't feel he needs to know now or next week. If you want him to know then its because you feel its the best option. Good luck

 

You see, woman have a lot of sense and they really care about others feelings sometimes more than their own. But, think of it this way. Your hubby is also watching porn and masturbating. That is also a form of cheating. And In my opinion, his porn use may add the fuel to your addiction, its just a matter of time.

You should tell him. Share your struggles with him. And he will open his struggles to you too. Maybe he is also a porn addict and he is also ashamed of it. Porn and online dating etc are addictions. And it is because of that fact that you cannot blame yourself 100% for falling into it. Yes people become numb and think that they can fight on their own. But, why go through this alone if you have support.

There are two forces operating here. First is your own ego in subconscious. That prohibits you from telling. The second is the fact that you care for your husband.

My uncle's wife is a patient of OCD. She tried to hide it from him and fight it on her own. But, you know what he did when he got aware? He supported her throughout her recovery and though she is not recovered completely, still they love each other, perhaps more than ever.

The fact stands that you will win on your own. But, winning doesnot matter. Because if you burn yourself emotionally, then believe it or not, it will burn him out too. And he is not your bf, he is your husband. He may be more mature and compassionate than he shows. Just give him a chance...

 

You see, woman have a lot of sense and they really care about others feelings sometimes more than their own. But, think of it this way. Your hubby is also watching porn and masturbating. That is also a form of cheating. And In my opinion, his porn use may add the fuel to your addiction, its just a matter of time.

You should tell him. Share your struggles with him. And he will open his struggles to you too. Maybe he is also a porn addict and he is also ashamed of it. Porn and online dating etc are addictions. And it is because of that fact that you cannot blame yourself 100% for falling into it. Yes people become numb and think that they can fight on their own. But, why go through this alone if you have support.

There are two forces operating here. First is your own ego in subconscious. That prohibits you from telling. The second is the fact that you care for your husband.

My uncle's wife is a patient of OCD. She tried to hide it from him and fight it on her own. But, you know what he did when he got aware? He supported her throughout her recovery and though she is not recovered completely, still they love each other, perhaps more than ever.

The fact stands that you will win on your own. But, winning doesnot matter. Because if you burn yourself emotionally, then believe it or not, it will burn him out too. And he is not your bf, he is your husband. He may be more mature and compassionate than he shows. Just give him a chance...

 

Jessa, I want to ask you something but I don't want you to be upset....
But if you think porn is "normal and healthy" why did you decide to join nofap?
I ask because the boundaries in your relationship are created by you and your guy. Some people are okay with having an "open relationship" (Swingers) and you may have opened yourself up to someone else but maybe your guy won't think its as horrible as you do. Especially if you're honest.

 

Jessa. I believe online sex, phonesex and forming emotional relationships through internet is porn. You need to realize this behaviour you have is a symptom of something deeper. This is escapist behaviour. You need to know that and you need to really think about which situations/people are you escaping from. This can be your starting point. And then in the process of becoming online sex, phonesex and forming emotional relationships through internet free you can also tell your husband about it. If you decide. But don't expect this decision will ever be easy.

I think the only way/time you will be able to tell it to your husband will be when your excitement about your transformation will be bigger than the fear of consequences. Because of that don't push it yet. Start on yourself first.

Start now, right now. Know what you want, set a goal and take small steps. Write everything down. Check back on this site, every day. You don't need to write, just read sometimes. Listen to Les Brown or any other motivational speaker. Very important: go to fitness/gym/do squats/jogging... and take ice cold showers - every day.

Jessa, you are a wonder. You have this little innocent honest girl in you. You have what it takes to overcome this. Find the girl, she was never gone.

 

In my opinion, couples have this imaginary boundary which is the limit of what they are ready to endure. But, if you extend that line to porn, it will follow with an addiction to porn and that will not help in your recovery too. Just because everyone watches porn doesnot make it healthy. If you treat masturbation to porn as normal, you could find your relation in trouble.

One more thing. Porn and alcohol cannot be compared. In alcohol, its a question of when. When the person draws the line. But, with porn its a question of what. What gives him the dopamine hit. Then it becomes a question of how long. Finally, the question of whats more follows and the loop repeats itself. Try to see the situation from a male recovering addict perspective...

 

My advice runs counter to most of what is being offered here and I have to give some background to explain why, but I'll try not to dump too much of my own issues like I have elsewhere on the forums.

In early 2013 I discovered a dark secret that my wife had hidden from me for twenty-three and a half years. I confronted her gently and without anger. I told her that to understand I needed her to be completely open and honest about everything. I realized that in order to expect that from her I had to be completely open and honest in return. So I confessed my secrets to her: my porn addiction and some rather minor infidelity. This became the beginning of my first recovery period from porn. I tried over and over to talk to her about her secret, but her own issues with it kept causing her to lash out at me. These were the worst fights we've ever had. I still bear the emotional scars of not just my discovery but her absolutely hateful defensiveness. By the end of summer, I learned that she had never actually even tried to be completely open with me.

She was initially very understanding about my addiction because she has some experience with an addict. Soon though, it became clear her emotions were stronger than her rational understanding. Her difficulties with my addiction led her to damage my relationship with someone else. She intellectually understood my addiction had nothing to do with her, but any time I tried to talk to her about it, she turned the conversation to make me feel guilty about her insecurity. I eventually had to stop talking to her about it entirely. Having no other support network, I ended up relapsing for eight and a half months before I came here.

My point is there are some things it's simply better not to know. I would take back my blissful ignorance in an instant. Nothing good has come of the new open and understanding attitude we agreed on but were unable to fulfill. It might have taken me longer to start my addiction recovery, but I wouldn't have resisted joining a support forum for so long if I hadn't imagined she could be my support.

You know your husband. If it won't be helpful then be kind and don't tell him. But you do have to be completely open and honest with one person: yourself. To get past this you have to understand why you do it and be aware when you are lying to yourself or rationalizing in order to return to it. If you are ever caught, though, your only chance would be to admit everything including why you didn't tell him.

Best wishes.

 

If you're not sure about telling him then take your time,maybe you'll overcome this before he even know your addiction which I really recommend but it is up to you only to decide.So have faith for yourself and for your family,good luck

 

You cannot and should not hate yourself for having an addiction, to be lying awake at night, and so on. Yes, what you have done may be wrong, but everyone has done things that are wrong, and the important thing is that you have made the decision to fight it and the fact that you have regret shows that you care and that you are a good person. You cannot blame yourself for having an addiction. I have found that letting go of the blame allows one to see their situation more clearly, and to help identify the underlying reasons for the action or the behavior.

Do you know that your husband's porn use is not indicative of any underlying issues that he has? I think the only way to know if one has an addiction is to see if one can give it up. If he/she can't, it's an addiction. Just because one is using porn and masturbation in small amounts on a regular basis without escalating, doesn't mean that it's not an addiction. There are cigarette smokers who smoke a stable number of packs per week for many years without escalating; they are still addicted, and may be using it to deal with anxiety or other underlying issues. If you weren't addicted to anything, would you still be okay with his PMO use? I know you are dealing with your own addictions, but even if you were okay with his PMO use, would the relationship be better if he did not PMO?

 

To me this reinforces what everyone has been saying. A question is whether to disclose or not. Wouldn't you have preferred that your wife disclosed the secret to you instead of keeping it for 23 and a half years and you discovering it in 2013? Your finding out the secret from another source is not comparable to a partner disclosing something to the other partner within the marriage, and the question for you was whether to confront another about it. It sounds like you regret confronting the other person about what you discovered, which is not the same as disclosing. If her husband finds out, then isn't it infinitely worse, and isn't that what happened in your situation? In all the threads about disclosing, both in this sub-forum and in the other forums before this sub-forum was created, I don't know that I've seen anyone regret the decision to disclose the addiction to a partner, and by and large, everyone ended up taking it better than expected. Part of it is rationalization that it is better not to disclose, because of how incredibly difficult it is to confide something very serious. Each situation is unique as has been pointed out, but in general it seems that people who don't confide in the partner are doing it to protect themselves more than they are protecting the other person.

 

That is a valid point. I do think it would have been easier for me to find out at 18 than at 41. However, I also can't be sure that I wouldn't have reacted rashly and spoiled our relationship. There are other events which happened between then and now which helped me to fully realize that I wouldn't trade this relationship for anything, even at its worst times. If I had a magic button I could push to change history so that she told me when she would have...I wouldn't touch it. I couldn't risk that my young inexperienced self would have done something foolish. Putting aside the question of timing, I'm not sure it would have been any better for her to volunteer the information rather than me discovering it accidentally because I do completely understand why she hid it, even if I think it was wrong.

I made my admissions to her voluntarily, even though she told me I didn't have to confess anything. I still think we would both be happier if I hadn't told her about my addiction. Jessa28 has to weigh the risks for herself of confessing voluntarily versus possibly being found out.

In general I advocate openness and honesty in relationships and I know love is often more resilient than we fear, but experience has shown me that some things it's just better not to know.