Two Clicks Away

Two Clicks Away

Computers have amazed me since I was a little kid. I loved playing the classic old games like Red Alert or Age of Empires II. At that time, I was gradually getting to know how to operate a PC. It was exciting and frustrating at the same time. On one hand I was happy and excited when I managed to make a certain game run, on the other I was frustrated when something didn’t work how I expected it to.

Then a big change occurred. My family managed to get their hands on an internet connection. At first, I didn’t pay much attention to it. I barely understood the concept of what Internet was and the cost of this service was pretty high at that time. However, few years later when the prices for this thing became much more affordable I was browsing the world wide web like a curious little kid that I was in no time.

At the beginning It was almost unbelievable what the Internet provided. In my case, it was of course all the pirated websites filled with cracked games and programs that I was so keen to get my hands on, although at that time I barely even knew that sites like that existed. But I knew I wanted more games. So, I went searching. I was looking everywhere for “warez” websites as they used to call them.

One day, on my search for entertainment I was typing a URL of a site that my friend told me about. However, as I typed the first few letters, the auto-fill function typed the rest of the URL for me and I pressed enter. I was expecting some kind of forum or something like that, but instead at the top there was a big picture of a woman with naked breasts. I was very shocked and yet weirdly pleased at the same time. I looked back at the URL and I realized it wasn’t the one my friend gave me. The auto-fill function filled the rest of the address, however a different address than I was originally intending to visit. (this was obviously a site my father had regularly visited before)

I was 11 years old at that time. I suspect I began my puberty sooner than my peers did because I just couldn’t stop looking at that picture. I started to feel weirdly excited and yet kind of guilty. I didn’t know why I felt guilty. But even at that time I knew I found something big. Something that I thought if my parents knew Í knew about, they would try to stop me from using the internet, maybe even the PC itself. I continued to look through the website and I found a link to some kind of online porn stream. I clicked on it and for the first time I saw a woman with her hands cuffed behind her back giving a blowjob. I noticed I had an erection. I kind of knew what it was, but I wasn’t exactly sure what to do about it. The only thing I observed was that it felt really good when I touched it. So, I continued to watch the stream and touch it. In about five minutes I ejaculated. That was my first contact with porn.

This thing that I found, this porn website very soon became an often-visited place for me as soon as I had a chance to be alone for a while. At the time, I actually felt kind of cool that I found something like that. It always made feel good and it was extremely easy to get to it, only two clicks away at all times.

So, the years went on, I was growing up, going from grade to grade and every day I was happy to get home from school and just type that website in. It helped me when I had a bad day in school and it made my day more fun even when I was already having a good day. It became more, it became a habit. But I had no idea at that time. I didn’t really even notice it. It just felt like a part of my life so I went with it.

Soon, the first cravings of getting in bed with some of my classmates began. But there was a big problem. They didn’t like me. And I didn’t really like them. It was like a I didn’t understand why is it so hard to talk to them. Why are they so difficult, why do they want to talk about things that appeared to be absolutely boring to me. Don’t they feel the kind of lust and hunger I felt every day? I thought they were stupid bitches. Very soon I started to resent them and I clinged on to my porn habit more and more. I actually felt kind of cool, dismissing everyone, trying to appear like I don’t care about anybody. I had this cold sense of confidence. Like I don’t need any of you stupid girls, I have my porn. This is how things went on till I finally got out of the elementary school.

In high school I was placed in a class with only 4 guys, the rest were girls. Some of them very pretty. So, I thought to myself I need to reinvent myself a little bit here. I cant keep doing the same thing I did in elementary school. But I was still watching porn pretty much every day. About a year later I had my first sexual experience with a girl. I would consider this experience as not very successful. I was literally trying to have sex with an older drunk girl that liked me in bushes on an outdoor party. I had maybe one or two shots. I wasn’t really drunk and that is why I was very surprised and ashamed at the same time when my penis just didn’t work. I felt so disenchanted. It was like I couldn’t understand how is it possible. The same night I went home and looked at porn just to see if I my penis still works and it did. This experience led me to finally do some research. It was a tough realization when I read about what porn does to your brain. Especially when I looked back at what I was doing all these years. I basically built my addiction from scratch and then continuously fed it since I was a child.

I decided that I want to quit porn. I would not say I was managing this addiction well. But it took only about a half a year before I got to know this girl that I just really enjoyed being with. I would lose track of time every time we had some kind of a deeper discussion. I felt a strong connection to this person. On top of that she was stunning. I mean, I won the jackpot in high school with this one. So, of course it didn’t take long before we just fell deeply in love with each other and then have been in a relationship for about two years. Throughout those two years I didn’t watch porn for about year and a half. I felt completely different. Suddenly I was much stronger when it came to resisting porn sites. I felt like I was cured. I thought she cured me, which made me devote myself completely to this person. I felt amazing with her and had really no intention of getting back to porn ever.

But as the high school was coming to its end I was starting to feel some kind of tension. She was not visiting me as often as she did before and when she did, it was not like in the beginning. We stopped talking for most of the time and just had long sexual sessions. No more deep conversations. But at that time I didn’t really consciously see these things. I just felt the tension. And I do not really even know how, but suddenly I was back to porn. I thought I could handle it. Just occasionally. Just this once. We all know that story.

I was a very mild porn user. I watched only when I really felt like I needed to. That basically tricked me into thinking that I can actually be this occasional porn user. Which was the biggest lie. At first slowly and then very rapidly video after video I was coming back to the old me. The peak of this came when my now ex-girlfriend broke up with me. I completely lost myself. I was depressed, anxious and extremely irritable for a long time. And when you are low there is always porn to pick you up (only to throw you down even deeper into the rabbit hole). I was 19 when this happened.

Then I went to a university. I was still watching even though I was trying not to. I would say, for the first time I was starting to really consciously fight this addiction on my own. After the breakup I went into bad boy mode. Trying not to jerk of on my own or watch porn and not have any serious relationships (not that I could with that shattered heart). I was doing pretty good, however, I realized a much more important thing. I wasn’t happy. I had women, I even found my best friend in university (which helped me A LOT). But there was still something missing and so I still could not shake of the porn habit completely. I had good and bad weeks. But generally the longest I managed to go without any contact or porn was one week. After that when a trigger occurred I couldn’t help myself.

Many things changed since then (for better). I became a little wiser with relationships and my life in general. I even managed to get an actual girlfriend after I felt I was emotionally ready for it. I am 21 now. I have been with her for about two months. But this time even though I fell in love I didn’t stop watching porn completely and so of course we had some awkward situations when I couldn’t get an erection. One of them occurred about two hours ago and so that is why I decided to write this piece. She told me not to worry about that kind of stuff. But I know how she must have felt and more importantly I know why that whole situation happened. (because it happened so many times with other people as well) It was always me, it is always me. I did that, I didn’t resist the urges of watching porn when she was on a holiday etc. Now, I don’t feel guilt. I do blame myself for that situation and yet I have already learned that quitting porn addiction or any addiction for that matter is a slow complicated process and guilt and self-pity do not help at all. I just needed to really critically look at how I got to porn and recall my life a little bit to motivate myself and also let this story out wherever it gets. And for whoever who reads it I hoped you learned something about yourself too man, or woman .

 

Thanks very much Dane, I have seen from my own experience how porn viciously floods basically all areas of your life. I like to say it makes them dark. I am very glad you liked the story, I did not really expect such a quick answer. When it comes to my ED since I am young it pretty much fixes itself after one week, sometimes week and a half so I do not really worry about it that too much. What I am trying to resolve is the cause and not the effect.