Truly Struggling Right Now

Quick background: mid 30's male, p/m/o user for more than two decades, edger for almost as long

I'm caving under the weight of guilt, shame and inadequacy. For the last couple days, I've had tears in my eyes on more than several occasions. I had much higher hopes for myself in my younger days and as did my family. I'll spare you all the details because I'm not looking for sympathy votes.

Recently, my family's been going through a tough time. I should be a rock for everyone but, truth be told, I'm anything but that. My intentions are great but I suffer with anhedonia and somewhat crippling anxiety (among other things) so it's difficult for me to do much to help myself let alone anyone else. I can't possibly overstate how horribly I feel about it.

I started researching semen retention and looking into NoFap around 2012. To be honest, though, I think I've known in my heart that p/m/o is destructive for even longer. I started experiencing physical symptoms associated with excessive sexual activity while I was still in high school. I could relate to a ton of stories I read on ActionLove, HerbalLove, CED and various forums. Regardless, I don't think I've ever been able to abstain for a full month. The closest I've gotten is about three weeks and I've achieved that no more than a handful of times.

I'm between a rock and a hard place, as they say. I really don't know what to do but I feel the pressure to change and do it fast.

 

I think I started to hate myself in some ways years ago. It's all finally spilling over. That's what I think is happening right now. I know I need to be so much better for myself and for my family. I wish the fuel being added wasn't adding to the shame but rather drive or something that could make me more productive. Fact of the matter is that I'm worn out and burned out. It all compounds. It's a vicious cycle.

I think you're right, though. At this point, I pretty much have no choice but to entirely stop consuming any suggestive content whatsoever. No bikini girls on anti-social media, no movies with beautiful actresses, definitely no porn, etc. What I've been trying and doing clearly isn't enough.

 

I only use Instagram to follow a couple dozen people but the "recommendations" are obviously horrible for recovery from p/m/o use. Only other app I have is Reddit but obviously there's a lot of negativity there. You're right, though. I have to limit what I use the phone for.

 

Yeah, I'm familiar with that. What are you downloading?

 

I can't argue with you. I know it's trash. I was off it for 2 years and just got back on a couple months ago. This won't come as a shock but yes, it's made me relapse at least 10-15 times since. The "recommendations" on there – and on TheyTube and really everywhere else – are intentional. They are simply hyper-sexualizing society more and more each day.