tremendous relapse after 11 days

Hello. This was my first relapse since beginning NoFap.
I did not wait for it, but today it was really hot weather in germany,
therefore a lot of short skirt triggers.

It was really a inner fight between free will and a trigger-sensitive appetite.

There was a revealingly dressed girl in front of the window of the room in which I practice, waiting for the bus. I could resist in the beginning. There was no urge coming up.
Then I tried to intentionally let that urge come up, to see if there is an urge.
I didnt expected that to be so intense. This brought me a few times to the edge,
and I screamed STOP! before it came to the end.
Then I escaped from that room, to wait for the bus to get that girl out of my sight.

After 15 minutes I came back to start practicing.
But there was the same girl, crying to her mobile phone,
because she did not know, which bus she has to take, or something like that.
Almost instantaneously an idea came to my mind. Why not offering her a ride?
On this way I could bring me closer to her to eventually get more than just a sight.
I immediately had that plan, I don't remember when I figured it out, it was already there.

I was just to exit the building, when I realized, that she went on by foot, to the next train station I think. This was cut-close. But I was fantasising for a while about that.
Therefore I did some yoga poses afterwards. My hands and feet became very cold like dead.

After 15 minutes there was still another girl, and I could not resist anymore.
I tried to stay aware, but I could not keep it up.
This time I tried to make her see me, mastrubating to her.
This broke my neck.

Its true that I am a bit frustrated, also about the extremness.
But it was me who preached, that behind every relapse there is a message.

Almost everything I learned,... I just could not access it. This is discouraging.

I thought I was ready for a challange... But the urge was cleverly hiding.
I stood there to watch, and could not escape instantaneously, in fact I was not able to make that decision, but I felt the conflict.
Now I know it, and write it down. Urge is hiding dexterously.

Now, my hands are still dead cold. This is maybe because I am desperately trying to find the meaning of that relapse.

I got to be honest to myself: The only reason I screamed STOP! (see above)
I remember, was the fact that I did not want to ruin my nice green bar underneath. I forgot all other reasons, which originally made me begin nofap, and which make me write that stuff down right now.
So the relapse came just in time.


EDIT:

seriously I dont want that." Go to gym, have a hobby, go out with friends..."
Forget that. sophisticated acivities are not a reason, to except an addiction.

EDIT:

I discharged again, after writing this. This time I could only step back for a short time.

 

How to prepare?

 

Thank you that you do care.

@Abel
I know that you don't lecture anyone, because you know, that its not helpful.
For the future I am going to do regular meditation on urges. I think that urge, or horniness is nothing more than an emotion, like anger. I can not completely erase all triggers, because it's summer in germany, and you know. The only thing I did not yet try is the following:

Treating the emotion called horniness the way an emotion should be treated.
If there is a trigger, it will likely bring the horniness up.

1.If I manage to escape the trigger, which is possible, on condition that I made preparations before, then there will probably be still an echo of uncovered horniness afterwards. There will be fantasies, that keep up that horniness, to drive me back to the trigger. But since I escaped the trigger, there is no return anymore,...

2. therefore I get the chance to turn to these fantasies. The next step is to isolate the horniness from the imagninary, letting the fantaties pass by, but holding the emotion.

3. Then feeling the emotion itself, without any connections to fantasies. Just pure horniness, not asking where it comes from, not asking why it's there, just feeling it. The difficulty here is to keep it isolated from the associations.

I already tried it today. This isolation is actually possible. At least it is simpler than dealing with the emotion fear.
This does not only apply to horniness, its really refered to emotions. Most of the time we revert the cause-effect-relation and don't realize that an emotion is not caused or put into our bodies by external resources, but we are the creators. Therefore we have to treat them isolated.

What do you say?

And I have a second question:

Did you experience, that after a relative long abstinence, a mastrubation burst causes a short performance increase, at least for that day, and then a performance decrease for the rest of the time?
Because right after that sperm burst yesterday I had music class, and I was better, than I experienced while practicing the days before. My hands warm, better memory access, not too tired, less body tension, especially left shoulder.

Today: No focus, procrastination, etc... (at least I was able to apply the new technique I described above)