Trapped in a mental dating paradox

You have understood and diagnosed your problem already! Fear of rejection!

You don't have to feel bad that you have it. We all have it to varying degrees, except maybe psycho/sociopaths.

Now, how to overcome it?

I can only tell you what has helped me. It is taking a slow and gradual approach. For me I started with talking to 1 new girl everyday. Take it easy, just start conversations you don't have to at this point show that you are interested in a romantic/man to women way. Just make friendly conversations, then once you have a streak of a couple of weeks of doing that and feel comfortable, you can move on to showing your sexual intent and then asking out the girls who also seem interested etc.

Your mind will come up with all kinds of excuses, she is old, too young, too hot, not hot enough, not my type, too tall, too short etc. etc. etc. Don't give in, talk to 1 new girl everyday regardless of how old, young or attractive she is. Establishing that habit of not succumbing to your excuses is the first major goal. All the best!

 

Sounds like you might have a strong hesitation towards commitment. Certain girls like you, but you think you could do better. So you are internally hesitating if you should commit to one of the girls that likes you…

And then the girls you are really attracted to, you are more unsure if they will like you or not

and then with one night stands, you want to do those, but you have certain moral principles that you believe you would be contradicting

I’ve experienced some very similar thought processes in the past

I think the only solution out of this mental maze is to try and date a girl you are really attracted to. If a girl you really like also likes you, then you will most likely want to stay with her

 

Relationships are not intellectual. What I mean by that is that you don't solve a problem by thinking about it intellectually.

Why you missed that date, what to say to a woman, what to say by message, the 5 mistakes you make ..... forget that shit.
Your relationships are a reflection of how you feel about yourself. That's why it's not intellectual, and why all the personal development coaches who believe there are things to understand in all of this are on the wrong track.

I've been there too. I went through depression, and during that time it was impossible to have relationships. Then I did what you did. Almost daily exercise, eating healthily. This helped me regain confidence and socialize with anyone. But I still had some ego problems and some wounds to heal. So I continued to exercise, eat healthily, meet people and create relationships, both friendly and romantic, both long-term and short-term. In short, to live my life instead of thinking about my problems. This doesn't mean there are no more problems. Just that you move forward and do what needs to be done despite your problems.

What you are describing is just a lack of confidence in yourself that you still have, but you are on the right track. You're 20 years old and you're already taking care of yourself. This means that you may have partially or completely understood that your relationship with others is intimately linked to the relationship you have with yourself. And exercising, eating healthily, but at the same time thinking about the human side instead of your own personal desires is one of the best ways to have healthy relationships and feel good about yourself.
Fear of rejection lessens when you are used to rejection and take care of yourself on the side. Yes it takes work, but it's worth it.
Also, ask yourself if you like your life too. Do you have friends, passions, do you feel good about yourself. If you don't, maybe it's time to cultivate what's right for you and what makes you happy ?
Soul wounds like these take time to heal so you have to be patient and keep going even though it's hard sometimes

 

Truth bomb.

Working on your relationship with yourself while you work on your relationships with women and conquer your anxieties and insecurities by approaching and trying to connect with women in particular and other people in general. That is the way forward.

 

Thanks for writing this. This morning I was feeling a little irritated about a couple girls from a long time ago who I could have hooked up with, but I didn’t make a move. Sometimes I feel bad about this like I made a mistake.

But the truth is I wasn’t confident enough in myself, and/or had some issues with relationship with my own self, so of course I missed the opportunities. It’s still my own fault, but in a different way, so that gives me some peace

 

So, you like a girl at first glance, or grow to like over some time. Then convince yourself that you should look for someone more attractive or popular? That is weird. Probably not the real reason. Not saying you are lying to us, I'm saying that you are fooling yourself for some reason.

So, you like a girl at first glance, or grow to like over some time. Then if they also like you back, you will think that it is too easy? That is weird. Again, probably not the real reason. Not saying you are lying to us, I'm saying that you are fooling yourself for some reason.

Imagine me saying this:

I walk on the street and I'm hungry, I see a really great hamburger that I like, or grow to like over some time. Then I convince myself that I should look for a more attractive and popular hamburger. Like what? That doesn't happen. I like the hamburger, I take it, because I like the hamburger. I'm not looking for a better hamburger because I already like that hamburger.

I walk and I'm hungry, I see a really great hamburger that I like, or grow to like over some time. Then if the hamburger is too cheap, I don't like it anymore because it's too easy. Again, what? That doesn't happen. If you like that hamburger you should be glad and happy that that hamburger is too cheap, heck, best case scenario is: I walk and I'm hungry, I see a really great hamburger that I like, or grow to like over some time, and then I find out that hamburger is free. This is amazing.

So a lot of what you're saying doesn't make sense, which is why I think you're lying to yourself to avoid some sort of suffering or pain.

Your mindset is a catch 22:
I like a girl -> If she likes me back, too easy, not interested.
This is a guarantee that you won't date anyone, ever. That's where that mindset leads you.

It's like me saying:
I like this hamburger -> If I can afford it, too easy, not interested.
I only go for hamburgers that I can't afford.
But then by definition I won't go for any hamburgers, because the hamburgers that I can't afford, I can't afford.
If I get a better job and now I have more money. Well, I will no longer be interested in that hamburger because now I can afford it. So I will go for other hamburgers that I can't afford.

Are you seeing how the whole conclusion of this is literally -> no relationship.

"And I will become colder to them in fear of betraying my emotions and not pursue the relationship."
You will become colder out of fear you will tell them you like them?
Well, that's the whole point of a relationship -> to tell them you like them.
How could you be in a relationship with someone and never tell them you like them? why are you in a relationship with them even?

Ok, don't go "I love you first day". But you can very easily be "I like you" at the third date. Just tell her that you like her in your third date, and then grow things from there.

It's like "I got a car, but I will never drive that car out of fear that that car will say that I like her." Well? "Which I do like the car, but I don't want the car to know that I like her".

What are you supposed to do with the car then?