Trapped again... (also journal)

Hi, I'll make it short (more or less).
I needed to sign up because I have to have something to hold on.
20 years (even more) of ups and downs. Hooked on porn since my early 20s and I'm in my 40s now. This time it's for real. I will do that from NOW on!!

Have severe PIED, was able to recover more or less multiple times, but always fell back into the trap after some time. I work out a lot and definitely could (if I would care) some impact on the ladies (last time one even was chasing me when I was in the hot steam bath with a friend). But what do I do with this? Simply nothing, because I know I would not get turned on. Anyway... after I relapsed again just half an hour ago I'm really upset. I see all the warning signs and somehow go on to do "it" anyway. It's a mess...

Thx for support!!

 

Day 1 over again. I will not post too often. I have decided (upon another user writing about it) also to cut my general internet usage down A LOT. AKA digital detox. Did this also in the past and it helped a lot to be more present and generally less stressed and yes, more mindful maybe.

So I will read more books or kindle for example and I know I will feel more need to socialize then. Also this is something that I have absolutely no need for ATM.

 

Day 22 today. This time I'm very strict with the whole issue and enjoying it! Really - no peaking, no touching etc. I was obsessed a lot with erotic thoughts or self-touching throughout the day in my times of porn, but after the first week of "monk-mode" this was gone - a good start.

On days (nights) 3 and 8 I woke up to good nightwood, but not again since then. Guess it's really flatline now - and I don't care or maybe I embrace it.

Last thing I have to do is to cut cigarettes out of my life.