Too old for a new start. Loneliness is crashing me...

Almost 60.
Depressed for a very long time.
Three years ago I lost my father.
Two years ago I lost my mother for whom I gave up working in 2007 to care for, after a TBI.
Last year I lost my only "child"... a 15 year-old border collie named Lucy.
Three months ago my wife of 13 years decided she couldn't cope with my depression any more and left with an "I'm so sorry"...
What's left of my life is an one bedroom apartment full of memories of everyone I lost.
Introvert and anti-social, I'm not in the mood to meet anybody. I cannot think of anybody who gives a shit.
The thought that this will be my life until the moment I meet my mother and Lucy again scares me so much. Too much of a coward to kill myself.
I've heard all sorts of pep-talks ... "You have to do this or that...". The only thing that echoes at the back of my mind is... "I don't really care about how you feel..."

If it sounds like a whine of a person feeling pity for himself it's because this is what it is.
And I'm not sure I'm entitled to any attention, since I don't follow prescriptions. I spent my whole life looking for a person who really cared. Too late to change...

 

Thank you.

At least you wasted some of your time to respond to my whining. That means a lot.
I don't think I will ever be ready to adopt a new pet. I still go around with her leash in my pocket. We NEVER left Lucy home alone (except when I had to be in the hospital for a heart attack) and I still don't want to.

I didn't know what the site (NoFap) was all about so I had no idea that it's mostly young people. I googled "Loneliness forum" and I selected one randomly. I guess I don't belong here...

You are right about the mental/emotional overloading because of the pandemic. The need to survive made people more egocentric. The word "empathy" is no longer part of life...

In a perfect world... I'm not sure if you can understand: I feel that I'm still a 10 year-old caring for everybody and wishing others to care for me. I never grew up emotionally. A scared kid, unable to function in the world of grownups.

Thank you again. Thank you so much. I haven't talked to anybody in days and your reply... a reply from a complete stranger has me sitting here crying like a baby...

Thank you.

 

Thank you for caring enough to reply.

I reached a point that I'm unable to function. I'm like a homeless person but under a roof. In an apartment that hasn't been cleaned for months. I became a robot doing things just because they need to be done, skipping whatever I can. I eat because if I don't, the pain from my stomach acid will torture me. I spent my whole life caring for everybody's problems. Now... now I just need someone to take me by the hand and walk me out of this situation.

Rebuilding... At my age there's no rebuilding... There's only waiting for the end...

 

Apart from everything else I live with half a heart (since 2011) because of a heart attack. I'm not sure I agree with you about the "potential good number of years", especially when the symptoms for an oncoming new attack have started (again) and I neglect to do anything about it.

 

My gratitude...
It is some sort of healing to hear strangers feel sorry for me. My whole life I've been an empath beyond any logic... Now, without a shred of dignity or self respect left, I'm asking for other people's compassion...

Thank you for your kindness.

 

I think I am beginning to understand why religion exists. I am 37 and starting a new phase of my life, coming to terms with the fact that I made poor choices with both women and career earlier on. I can’t imagine seeing those mistakes compounded until I was 60. Your life experience has value. There are people who can learn from you and be better because of you, both on this board and out in the world. I hope you find them.

 

You have nailed it in so many different ways!

Yes, (my apologies to believers) religion exists because at some point in one's life one finds oneself without anything to hang onto. A free-fall with a bitter ending!

You are 37. Please, PLEASE live every day of your life to the fullest and think VERY WELL before making any decisions. At the age of 10, 20, 30... even at 50, I thought I had time to re-start my life. To have new dreams, new hopes, new beginnings.

Now... a person of 60 with no partner, no job, no children and only loss and mistakes being the past I feel like a death row inmate. Waiting for the end, wishing that it's not painful or degrading. I used to say to my wife (before she left) that I love video games because when you mess up, you can always restart from the beginning, doing it better, building on the experience of the last run. Unfortunately life is not a video game. There's only ONE run. And when you lose it is game over for good!

Thank you for your insight. The problem is not finding the people who can learn from my bitter experience. The problem is they (we) don't believe my words of now because they (we) feel invincible when they (we) are young.

 

I can accept that you have no job, no children, and no partner. I know how devastating that triple whammy can be. I don’t accept that it’s “only loss and mistakes” that you have to share. I suspect you are the sort of person that knows how to recover from failure and make the most out of his circumstances. Also, you are talking to someone who believes in rebirth (practicing Buddhist). You don’t get to save and restart that’s true, but from my point of view death is just the end of one campaign and the beginning of another. You can still finish this one strong and start the next one off right.

Feel free to DM me if you need to take the edge off of the loneliness while you figure things out. It’ll certainly help take the edge off of mine.

 

Thank you for your kind words.

I don't want to sound negative, but when I look at the past and see so many mistakes, so much loss, so much pain there's not much to love. There's not much to care for. I saw everyone I loved and cared for, go away. I went to bed one night with nobody to say "good night" to. What's left? Why should I love myself? My emotional, physical and financial states are in deep red, because of MY mistakes. The only thing remaining (I don't know for how long) is my mental state, which is playing its role accusing me, every moment of every day, for my mistakes and the wrong turns of the past.

I read your words "It's a tough road, but nothing good comes easy" and all I can think of is "I have no courage, no will, no strength, no reason to do ANYTHING but wait for the end"...

The only relief is some stranger saying to me "We're here with you"......................

 

Thank you for caring.

I do not wish to offend you but I'm not a believer and I don't plan to become one. To do it now (that I'm in need) would be hypocrisy of the worst kind.
I hope your God keeps your soul, heart and life full of happiness.

 

I used to be the person you suspect me to be. When I was younger. Kipling's "If" was part of my "religion". Unfortunately now I only see dead ends. How can somebody look for a job or a partner at my age and in my condition. Billionaires buy their trophy wives. I can't afford even a picture of one!

Buddhism is also a good part of my "religion". But I don't believe in after life/rebirth or anything of the kind. My very down to earth logic says that once we die we are only good as worm food. (No cremation where I come from).

Thanks for the DM invitation. It means a lot. The problem is that I'm in a constant struggle with myself that I should refrain from embarrassing myself any more (begging left and right for pity) and on the other hand feeling that loneliness has started affecting me in many ways. I may be 60 but I still need someone to tell me "good night" before going to bed and "good morning" when the new day comes. No matter how many people I meet and talk to during the day, at the end of it, when I close the door to my apartment it is an abyss of loneliness. That's when the thoughts begin: Is this how it's going to be to the end? And the answer is what scares me so....

 

Love you kid!
You made me smile!
(and old fool me had to google "master oogway")