To tell or not to tell

I agree in some of the things you said.

I don't plan on telling my life partner because i don't want to unload everything on her. I know she would feel betrayed, devastated, and lose confidence for a long long time.

At the same time, when i don't PMO, i know - she sees it clearly - that i am a better love, more present, i listen to her needs. I am just a better man overall.

That's why i'm here! To work on myself, first, for both of us. If i don't make it, i will tell her and seek her help.

But right now, i feel live I have to do this myself.

 

Hello Arden, I was probably a little bit provocative in my posting and didn't mean to be harsh.

But in the end, I meant exactly what you are saying here: When you don't PMO, then you are better love, you are more present, you are more "true" - and ONLY THIS matters.

That's why I often say: "Talking is silver, but ACTION is GOLD" - Finally it only matters what you DO, not what you think or talk about.

BTW: I had an interesting experience yesterday. I was PMO-free for 5 days, I was very relaxed, very present, very "true", and not really in the mood for sex .. but then, my spouse comes in, we talk and suddenly she clearly shows me some "interest" ... Places herself a little bit provocatively such that I "accidentally" can see her pussy .. As said, I was not really in the mood, so I begin to touch her just a little bit .. but she begins to become got, and htter ... Well ... We finally had HOURS of great sex, it continued in the morning, and I feel refreshed but also a little bit drained now ;-)

I find this very interesting, because I really was not in the mood for sex - but I was relaxed, open-minded and very present. Sometimes the best things happen when you don't think about it.

 

I told my then gf 7 years ago. She was hurt but supportive. After a battle of 3 years she was broken down. In that time there was no community like this so we made mistakes. I find it hard to tell her now the addiction never went away, because so many years later she will feel so betrayed.I don`t know what to do. Ive fully committed to stopping, i now finally understand how my head and addiction works thanks to the new research and sites like these, but I do not dare tell her for it will hurt her so much. Im allready paying a price since she is picking up that something is wrong and she thinks its her. I dont know what to do.

 

I am not telling my wife. There is nothing to be gained from it right now. This is on advice of my therapist. I may tell down the line, but not now. Never suffered any ED with her though, so that helps. Plus, I'm not doing hard mode.

 

I talked with my ex preacher yesterday (we went for a visit, I asked if we could walk the dog). He did our marriage counseling and was my trustee when I was battling this 7-3 years ago. Eventually we just got married. Turns out, he stayed in touch because he knew I was still addicted and addicts lie. He saw no behavior change then so he figured I'd might change later or wind up in the gutter. I told him everything and together we decided to tell my wife tomorrow. He and his wife will lend support after the talk.
I'll check back in tomorrow night to tell you guys how it went. I fear the pain I cause her more then a possible divorce.

 

Update: just talked to my ex preacher. He and his wife talked and they concluded 2 things:
1. My wife probably won't be able to take the news right now because of personal issues she discussed with the wife of my ex preacher.
2. If I tell now, I won't be able to offer her anything besides despair and a wreck of a man slowly crawling out of a hole. They suggested staying clean for 2 months, then telling her. The difference is my character should then allready be showing.

I just had a talk with my wife because she was on to something not being right. I confessed I was unhappy with my life and was doing self improvement (a forum, fighting urges in my head, fighting passivity ext..). She reacted understandingly and told me she allready knew those things and was glad I was doing something to change myself. I came close to telling her everything but I followed the advice I'd been given earlier about her not being able to take it. So we made agreements about how to deal with mood swings, lack of libido, supporting each other ext...
I'm real glad she's supportive of me changing, and now I've got some space to self improve (she's fine with me being on a forum which I won't let her read). I am gonna stick to the plan though and tell her eventually. She will be able to take it if I can start with 'I'm clean'. At least I hope.