Time To Regain What I Had Lost

Hi everyone, at first I felt insecure being a part of this group.
I already made an account before on Nofap (as Hizstrez or Histrez I think) but I did not use it and ended up leaving it out. Also relapsed way many times after creating that account so felt ashamed to even login.

Which is why I am making a bold move this time. Using my actual internet username. Nestergen.

My Story:
I started fapping at Age 17. I was influenced by friends watching porn at school. Slowly porn began to take its toll on me.
Sometimes I would fap once a week. Once every few months but the lingering taste would always be there.



My last relapse was today afternoon, IST at 2:30 PM



Fapping literally destroyed my life (till now)
I became very aggressive during 11th grade and at school my classmates would make fun of me and call me short-dick/no-dick man and constantly said I watched hentai.
At that point I wasn't watching that much but after repeatedly accusing me, I slowly started withering away on the inside and actually started watching hentai.


Anyway, moved on to more and more degrading stuff from there.
12th grade - A Levels, I was facing financial issues a LOT. My board exams were near and I dropped most of my subjects in order to study visual arts and animation.
I was convinced I could do it and enter the industry as a student and so on (I have a YouTube Channel too going by the name of Kaioken20XGokuHD )
BUT
what happened was I became a dramatic character.

When I heard that those who could not pay the fee for the final year in my school were not allowed entry inside the gate, I blew it out of proportion and skipped my finals.
Basically even the school contacted me then BUT I was like: Ok. And then I didn't show up.

I had dropped down to only 1 subject at A Levels : ICT.

Anyway, so after that things became a shitstorm at home. My dad went unemployed for like a whole year.
We moved back to another city to sell my late grandparents' property. That year was especially depressing. My dad was in Bangalore, India and me and my mom were in Calcutta,India. During that time, I made two really nice artist friends however unfortunately due to my personal issues, that friendship soured a bit and they started keeping distance from me.

So everyday I would sit and mindlessly without concept, copy manga pictures for 8 hours a day. I would become discouraged I could not draw however my hardheaded stubbornness kept me going. Basically I was forcing myself.
I was into visual arts, that's what I wanted to do and now after sacrificing everything to prove my boasts, I could not execute my intentions.

It sucked.

Fast forward another year, I started freelance content writing. Used to get paid like $150 a month. Worked for one firm only and I freelanced only for them.

Things became vile at home. My mother ended up having a cerebral stroke due to my incompetence as a son (I was 19 now) and my dad blamed me for everything. I was hollowed with guilt and emptiness.

Very luckily, by God's Grace, she survived when I started crying for her in the hospital.
Anyway...

September 11, 2015 - Stroke episode
October 15, 2015 - Mom gets discharged

May, 2016 - Since I had skipped my A Level finals back then, I rewrote my the papers I skipped out on as a Private Candidate. I cleared my A Levels (ICT only) with average grades. So yeah.
June,2016 - I move to Calcutta to learn from a friend how to draw whom I met on FB. He was also a fapper. But luckily he drew as a kid so art became subconscious to him unlike me. I got discouraged and then....
Came back home again. At this stage my excuse for staying at home was that my mother had stroke, had motor ability problems and so I had to stay back home and look after her.
This excuse made me feel sick to the core.


July 1st,2016 - I met with an artist in India who was famous for Concept Art (Don't want to disclose any names here) and I asked him to mentor me personally. He was very willing to do so.
UNFORTUNATELY, due to my fap issues, slowly and steadily I started skipping his classes even though they were few times a week.
My work degraded after 2 months and finally, he told me he was finding it hard to move on with me. I could not speak out to him regarding my fap issues, he had a family and his students were working in the industry. They would think I'm some sort of freak.

At this point I would fap 12-14 hours a day non-stop via smartphone and my parents would think I was doing research.


So one friend in my art class noticed my depression and offered to help me. I worked hard for 10 days and I improved crazy to the point I myself was surprised.
I thought maybe I really have a chance. So I fapped.

And back to square one.
During that time, I stayed with him for a month (we lived in separate rooms in a rent-out bungalow)
AND.........
FINALLY.

He lost his patience with me. I confessed to him once about my fap syndrome but he himself was a fapper (not extreme like me) but he did not quite buy it fully that fapping = messing my art.

He was a professional concept artist though (just like the guy who was mentoring me and mentored him into a pro) and so, he thought I was a joke. Basically I became a loser.

I came back home October 22,2016 and till December 17,2016 - I did not go to class.

Finally one day I did go and they were like: I'm giving you a week's time, please try to practice this and this and we'll see how it goes and depending on that we'll meet up again.

Needless to say, I screwed up (again)
Due to my fap issues, I was fapping every 3 days this time instead of 12 hour streaks (reduced a bit)

FINALLY, my parents lost their cool with me, especially my mom.
So she suggested me one thing: Change over to Computer Science. You were good at that in highschool and you know keep art as a hobby. I know you are trying hard but you know you can't force it out like this. I don't want to see you suffering and getting depressed. Make a career by studying programming and Cyber Law and you know - once you earn a bit, you will feel secure and one day when you feel confident in your art by practicing as a hobby, you can switch over. You still have many years ahead. You are only 21. Why not work 5-7 years in the Computer Science field and they transition back to the Arts when you feel better about yourself? I won't judge you and neither will your dad.

(Had tons of fights with dad regarding changing fields since 10th so he became very accepting after all these major incidents)

So finally, after many freaking years, for the first time in my life, I sat, thought, contemplated and ACTUALLY LISTENED to my Mother's advice. So I switched.

It was not because I could not do it. Rather I lacked the will to do it and my will was eaten up by porn.

From that day on, from Jan 11 to 7th February, was my first NoFap streak.

I relapsed again after that but it was not a 12 hr one. It was only a 1.5 hour relapse past 3 days. That's right - 3 day relapse. Today I relapsed at 2:30PM IST.


During this period, from Jan to Feb, I enrolled in Treehouse Inc and started studying Front End Web Development (TechDegree)

I am slowly making progress (finished HTML, into CSS a lot now and almost done with the first unit and will move on to polishing and finishing my 1st project)

I enrolled in an online sketching program as well and um, even though I am sketching 2-3 hrs a day, I feel happier now that I am under no pressure to perform where drawing is concerned.

I was raised as an innocent kid - no drugs, no alcohol, no junk, no bad companionship etc as a kid that's why I was very serious. But porn gripped me away. I even renounced God for a while (between 2015-16 when life fell at an all time low)

However around the December mark I started regaining faith and now I believe He will continue Helping me out of this. My focus increased a bit and for the first time in my life, I am actually enjoying learning and actually studying way more.


Now on to my goals,

Complete Front End Web Development Track by April 2017.
Keep sketching in that online program (Sketch Like The Pros, it is called)
Get a Job as a Senior Web Developer or Full Stack Developer in Startup firms in Bangalore within 1 year, compete in Hackathons after solidifying my basic foundations, keep learning, keep sketching, keep improving in all these areas of life. My target is April 2018.

Also study Cyber Crime and do their diploma and advanced diploma programs. I actually want to be a hacker and I feel web development is a starting point. I wanna learn Python too, will get to that after this.

Lifelong celibacy (when I was abstaining from porn, a voice inside me reminded me how I wished for lifelong celibacy and not lust after women or have any ero-thoughts and just focus on my career and fulfill my dreams) I want to honor that voice.

Final goal - to be Da Vinci's disciple. I want to be creative, smart and a genius. My mental fortitude now may not reflect all that now BUT someday, very soon, I hope, I can, demonstrate that or at least let my actions demonstrate that.


I've told you my entire life story. Honest, real life, point blank.
Honestly I've failed to the point where even if people laugh at me I can't shamed myself (crossed the point of shaming myself beyond limits) so I want to be a better human now.

I'm making progress finally for the first time and I want to see it through. Finally finding hope which I had lost.

Onwards now!

So from today onwards, it's Day 0.
I don't care about abstinence anymore. I just want to throw this away from my life. Threw it away for almost a month and even after relapse I don't feel the attachment. I finally realize what it was worth for and to be honest, porn was not worth it. It's a drug that kills.

And God is with me and I believe He has forgiven me despite my mishaps.
I will make myself into a developer within 1 year, bag a job, be proud of myself and live freely without guilt (whilst also improving my sketching skills and believing in myself)

Huzzah!
Thanks for reading my intro and I hope you guys be my friends. I really wanted to talk to someone about this and it feels good to lift this weight off my chest (or at least most of it), the weight I could not remove for so long in real life.

 

Note: I am writing this post for my future self as well as present for all times, good or bad or neutral, doesn't matter. Thank you for bringing up this question

My current strategies. Um, I wouldn't say strategy exactly but more like mindset. Strategies change and you can't keep executing strategies 24x7. Like in Chess you know. It only works for a while, then Game Over after sometime with a winner or loser.

First step for me is to be okay with the addiction and accept myself the way I am. I can't change things by raving or ranting about them. At the end of the day I am still the same person, positives or negatives aside.
So accepting the way I am, good or bad, it's alright. Not judging oneself.

Second, remember everyone takes their time. World is based on comparisons. In real life, it's always winner vs loser and the talk of society. But to be honest not everyone will think about you. And I believe this can be a huge relief than a negative view. Think about a person who bullied you. Do you think of him all the time? Chances are after getting bullied you might have had a bitter imprint of him in your mind but later you forgot or didn't think much.
World works the same way. Unless you're a celebrity/hotshot, being ordinary can be a blessing in disguise for self-development. It just means more room to grow.
When we are kids, our focus is on learning.
When we become adults, the perspective changes.

But truth is only our body grows, mind also grows but our spirit/soul is still the same. Envisioning the child within you, nurturing it and constantly encouraging yourself is a good thing to do.

I always tell myself that I am never alone. My brain, my soul and my body are my best friends. Only difference is I am aging a bit. But that's ok. It doesn't mean I really change.

I look at myself this way now. I don't have a chance. I have to make my chances and create new doors where none exist


Third, beat addiction with addiction. Replace a bad addiction with an addiction that is healthy, good and one you love.
This takes time, kindness, exploration and patience. I am still working at it and I feel I am too hard on myself on certain occasions. Slowly loosening up

Fourth, when angry, be silent. Don't vent out on others or discuss your problems with others in real life. We humans have a tendency to cry on others' shoulders in real life. That's ok. Except the tears never stop and constantly complaining about our problems IRL ends up harassing them and then from complaining we switch to arguing. This rang true with me very much when I was relapsing like crazy.
Solution: I am now trying to distance myself and engage in learning and studying. It gives me more satisfaction and on the rare occasions I talk with people, at least there's no guilt/panic/fear of judgement attached behind my talks.
That is a good balance we all can maintain.
Just by looking at your face, your family can make out if you are troubled or well off. So we don't need to talk to express.
Which is why I want to keep learning, improving and moving forward. My parents will automatically realize the more I am happy with my own progress. I don't need to put it in words. My actions will do the talking.

Oh yeah and don't break things when angry. That aggravates the problem. Might give temporary relief like PMO but down the lane it's bad.



Final factor, you don't feel change when you actually change.
I was obsessed with changing myself to a very negative extent. I believe I had to let go of this.
And to be honest, I don't care about changing. I accept myself the way I am, with my faults and imperfections and I move forward and am trying to do something in life.
That's ok
Imperfections can be the ultimate boon to oneself. It's hard to explain. I will talk about it later.


These are all I can think of for now. Hope it was useful.

Note to Me: Hey, read this when you feel bad. This is the real you.