Time to change

Hi Everyone,

This is my first time posting here, I have known I am addicted to porn for about four years now (currently 30 y/o) and in that time I have tried many different things, from therapy, 12-steps, reward systems, locking myself out of the internet, etc.

All those things have been useful in their own ways but at the same time I haven't stayed sober. The longest I've ever been "free" was around 8 weeks, and I remember feeling absolutely amazing at the end of that 8 weeks before slipping back into darkness.

I always wanted to quit for other people (my wife), or so that my sex life would improve, but now I just kind of want to give myself that "gift" of freedom, because well, I want to be the best version of myself that I can be. Tonight I was aimlessly trawling the net and instead of watching something pointless or harmful I ended up here. Perhaps everything happens for a reason and in its own time.

My therapist suggested NoFap to me awhile back and at the time I just gave her this incredulous look, but I'm now willing to try anything. Porn (and the pursuit of sexual oblivion in other forms... phone sex, excessive MB) is a fog that has clouded my vision for too long. A few days ago I felt overwhelmed and went on a sort of binge that has now left me feeling empty and yet clearer about quitting than I have ever known. It's not tinged by a helpless rage or self-pity of any kind. I know I have what it takes to quit but I am also aware (more than ever) that I can't do this alone! I need God and I need a community. I sincerely hope I have found one here.

12 Steps functioned as a kind of community for awhile, but it never quite clicked for me as it was not specific to porn addiction and working the steps based on AA just didn't work (though I know it works really well for many people). I suppose that experience taught me to know God beyond my childhood conditioning which was in itself a beautiful thing, whilst therapy has taught me to forgive and love myself which again has been a long an arduous but beautiful process.

Anyway, enough rambling. I really look forward to being a part of this community, and learning and sharing in what I truly believe is the most valuable thing we can do, to change ourselves for the better.

HybridOwl

 

Thank you taqwa! I will check out the links.

BTW I love the quotes in your signature, very poignant for me.