Time for a change...

Hello all. This is the first time I’ve really every posted on any forum. I am a shy introvert, and have scrolled through here in the past , but feel that making an account will aid me in my commitment. (In the past I had the thought of starting nofap, but it didn’t last more than a week..) Let me start by saying I am 23 yr. old, no gf, still live at home, and have had a compulsive problem going on over 10 years at this point. When I was around 10 years old, I hung out with a neighbor a few years ahead of me. It was at this time said neighbor introduced me to the idea of M and P, and I discovered the wonder of pleasuring myself, as well as pornography. I went to a small, religious school with a very small class size, from the time I was in pre school, to a public high school with a class size of 800. I didn’t get any tail in high school, due to my utter social anxiety combined with my skewed outlook of women. There are multiple “past events”or chances with great, different women I had and failed miserably with, mostly due to not having the social fortitude and intamacy required in a relationship. I am still hung up about all that shit years later. ( Still have dreams of some of the women) I’ve struggled with depression as far back as when I was 8. I struggle with a substance abuse problem, started at 12 with marijuana and continued all throughout high school heavy on booze weed coke and lsd. I went to rehab at 18 during a bad trip, and haven’t done lsd since. I still smoke cannabis daily and drink on a moderate level. (1-2 X weekly). The reason I include all this detail is because they are all intertwined into how my brain is wired; compulsions, memories ,triggers, and it is nice to actually lay this information in front of me for once. I’ve had a therapist in the past, and have thought of going back but am honestly fearful, and over critical of how the mental health system is run. Last time they just tried to suppress my problems with pills. But that’s another story. 13 years of fapping multiple times a day to a plethora of fetishes , which the list seems to grow as if I need something “stronger” to get off, is something that has just seemed normal to me. I have gotten to the point where P and M is completely unfulfilling , but I do it anyway. Sometimes I actually get bored halfway through and just stop. I’m at a point in life where I need to get up, get out, meet people and change my habits. I skipped out on going to college cause I was unsure of my path and have been working and saving tons, which is probably the only thing I have going for me. I had an alternate career path and job, but I recently left for a multitude of reasons, and now am thinking about pursuing a higher education. I want to take care of my mental health first, though. I am emotionally dull, and have lost the capacity to feel much of anything. I am not a bad looking guy, stay active and have hobbies. Not having a girlfriend and living my life to it’s potential I really feel like I’m just surviving, not really living. Also living with my aging parents is driving me nuts. M and P seem to be low on the list of life predicaments, but reading about semen retention yesterday and hearing other members experiences really opened my eyes, and I know M and P are a direct cause of this perpetual state. I know what I need to do , but lord it’s hard...

 

Thanks man . I’m on day 2 here and have been fighting strong urges all day. This group has been helping me keep it in check.