Tightening the defenses

Good Evening all,

I've been struggling with P for half of my life. It's always been something i wanted to get rid of but a few years ago i hit a rough patch in life when someone that i loved was taken away from me and i didn't get to say goodbye. I had turned to PMO as a way of dealing with the stress and the pain and became really hooked. I eventually ended up moving on in my life and I met someone wonderful and then married her. I told her while we were in pre-marital counseling that I had an issue with porn but it's something that i didn't want to bring into the marriage. a year and a half went by and i finally told her that it's something that i am still dealing with. I hate it and i want it out, but the problem is that i can hate it 99.9% of the time but with 168 hours in the week (10,080 minutes), if i am craving it enough or am weak enough for the 0.1% (10 minutes of the week), then i sometimes falter and have to start the clock over again.

I've have had some good runs and some bad runs.. Recently made it over 60 days, but more recently only made it 16 days. My wife is my accountability partner and she writes me encouraging notes daily to help me not to "scratch the itch" but sometimes it's really hard to tell her that i failed because i don't want her to take it personally. I feel like the reason i've been MORE successful in the past six months is because of her, but often feel like the failures outweigh the tough wins.

This morning i failed again. I'm mad at myself. Despite my anger, I've removed the emotion from the situation for a moment to look at it strategically. First, I've discovered mornings are a bad time for me. First thing in the morning i should never bring my cellphone with me to the bathroom before my morning shower. Second, I've added filters to my router to completely block reddit and imgur in addition to any sites that i used to frequent. It's easy not to go to a blatant adult site, but it's harder to avoid the easy and seemingly harmless imgur and reddit. I learned that blocking the site on my router DOES help block content from the sites on the applications for those sites.

and third, I've been praying a lot more to help me gain a spiritual strength daily. I know that nofap is a secular community so i will respect that, but on a personal level, i have noticed a stronger clarity of mind since i've started this.

Often my fumbles have been due to impulse PMO attacks and i feel with some of those that i don't even have a say in the matter. My body just autopilots into it. Kind of like how people can drive home from work without really paying close attention to the road, the muscle memory takes over and most of the time they can get home safely without thinking about the drive.

The things that i am aiming for:
-I want to have a sound mind and not to be a slave to some impulsive desire.
-I want to be whole. i realized that i avoided pain in my past with PMO and never allowed myself to fully finish the grieving process. instead of dealing with the issue, my body just craved a dopamine rush instead of acceptance and i've always had easy access to P.

I just hope that my wife never gives up on me.