THIS IS GOING TO BE KINDA LONG I AM SORRY.

Don't look at me like that.


Hey, I'm Jessi and I want to make peace with pornography. For the past decade or more, I've dealt with an utter distaste with the adult industry that has twisted into a full-blown fear. I isolate myself from people and from the world because I can't handle the warped sense of morality I see. But, I am healing. Here is where I want to do it.

I spend my days tending to a recovering porn user. A man who at his best, is overwhelmingly thoughtful, honest, kind and wholesome. And at his worst, he is a man riddled with fears, deep-seeded suffering and abuse. For him, he is no longer attracted to the idea of pornography, but the emotional and mental wounds still exist. He suffers from a cycle of abuse that was actuated in his childhood (by his parents) and driven into his adult life by himself. Pornography was one of the vices he used to abuse himself and others. In our relationship, it was not uncommon for him to degrade me and it was not uncommon for me to submit. Why? Because I convinced myself that I was abnormal and basically stapled a sign that read " ABUSE ME PLEASE" on my forehead. I also grew up in an abusive environment so that might also be why I acted like an imbecile in this period of my life. That and I was already at a low point in my life. I was pretty much a girl in the corner with her finger up her nose and a gun to her head. He verbally abused me, manipulated me and forced me into sexual acts I wasn't ready for. This (and other life events), I reacted to by becoming so wracked with anxiety that I couldn't take off my clothes in front of the mirror without having a panic attack, I starved myself to the point that I lost 40 lbs. and had frequent issues where I would nearly faint at work, dropped out of college, dressed in baggy clothing, isolated myself from all of my friends and family, developed something called an anxious tremor in which my leg would involuntarily shake, developed chronic migraines and eventually attempted suicide. Even though I did not succeed in suicide at that time, I know that I was slowly killing myself at every other angle.

And I am so thankful that I am still alive.

After he admitted to nearly sleeping with another woman, something inside me changed and I snapped. His world shifted. Suddenly, what he knew as normal came crashing down around him and he began to realize what he had done. I acquired a backbone and proceeded to flip my shit (even more) for about a year. This flipping of the shit (all of my shit) was not like it used to be. I wasn't the submissive idiot from before. I was beyond angry. But I found my strength.

I've always had a passion for learning about the human mind/body/emotions etc. and so I began observing him, our relationship and myself very closely. I made boundaries that are kept and respected to this day. I've made it very clear that if he ever crosses me in the way he did again, I'll be gone. With his willingness, I've showed him what he can do to change the reality he made for himself. I've coaxed him into expressing his feelings and being honest with me. He's a completely different person than the man I knew only two years ago and I know he has worked very hard to get here. To be honest, I'm very proud of him.

As for the porn, we are a year and a half into something we called "The Promise" ( shut up i know it's cliche) and he isn't even sexually aroused by anyone else but me. Hooray, wow! However, he now has the thoughts that were once habitual and accepted in the past and they disturb him. By this I mean they are something called 'intrusive thoughts/memories' that can cause two things: repressed feelings will crop up from his years consuming porn that he needs to integrate (acknowledge, accept and experience) with or he begins beating himself up internally, panics, lashes out and then begins to hurt himself externally ( or he skips the external pain and begins 'escaping' or 'avoiding'). He is never aroused by them, in fact, he actually 'turtles' when they come about.

The second part is obviously not solely because of pornography, it is the sign of a warped definition and procedure for conflict. This part is what he is healing from. With what he faces now, I'm not sure he'd ever want to go back. We are both wounded by what happened in the past. Luckily, we have the chance to heal from it and learn from each other. I don't know how we stayed together but we did and I'm thankful for that. While the treatment I had wasn't something I deserved, I think that it was a path that I chose to continue on and it brought with it many lessons that I desperately needed to learn. I'm still struggling with a lot of the aftermath on both ends, but I am no longer as mad as before. It's hard to continue, everyday has been a choice of love and commitment. He and I are around each other as much as possible and to be honest, he's my best friend at this point. But, I am still watchful, I am still observing and I am still coaching him through each day. I am terrified that one day something will happen again. When the past is brought up, I feel nauseated and shaky. Regardless, I accept the past and greet it when it comes up because I need to know where he's been and what he's done. He needs to know that I still love him through all of this and I deserve the truth.

I'm here because I've noticed beliefs and ideas similar to my own on this site. I think I'm ready to start being open to friendships and people. I don't know why I'm posting this or what I'll really gain, but if you have any feedback, advice or anything, please share it with me.

 

Thank you so much.

 

Thank you for your reply and taking the time to read. You're a sweetie!

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read, love. I'm glad you found yours too! You better never lose it, you beautiful human being.

Also, is your story somewhere floating around this site? I'd love to see it.

 

Thank you so much, Laz. Your words are really kind.

 

I'm glad that you're at the very least developing one! I see that you are just over a 100 days since 'your life changed'. I don't know if that's the counter for what happened with you, but trust me when I say you will get stronger and stronger. I have quite a few books that I could recommend to you, one being 'When Women Were Birds'. It may not directly relate to your situation, but it focuses on the way women (and people in general) have been silenced. It would more so be up to your interpretation, but I have a small collection of self help books as well that I'd love to suggest to you if/when you'd like it. In addition, there is a site called tinybuddha that has loads of articles on a variety of topics that are prevalent in many situations. It helped me through some pretty dark periods and difficult times.

Remember too that if you are unable to set boundaries and stand your ground, nothing will ever be different. Although I'm sure you already knew that. C:

Thank you so much for reading and I hope that you get the best possible outcome.

 

Yes! Please write it! However short or long, I'm sure it will be helpful to you and others.

 

I'm so glad to hear that. Your support and assertion will definitely help him stay away from that stuff. Is he on here as well?

Also, books:

Before Happiness- Shawn Achor
The Book of Awakening- Mark Nepo
On Becoming a Person- Carl Rogers
A Way of Being- Carl Rogers
The Gift of Imperfection- Brene Brown
You Can Heal Your Life- Louise Hay
The Creative Journal- Lucia Capacchione

Those are just a few and I know they do not directly relate to P but they do have a lot of useful information for what you can do in difficult situations like this. The last two or three have some concepts that some can find a little 'out there'. But when approached with an open mind and when the other information is taken into consideration, it is immensely helpful.

 

Thank you so much for your support. I didn't expect it would be inspiring, but it makes me happy if it was!