There is hope

I am here to say that I’ve found a way for life to be beautiful again. I’ve listened to the thoughts in my mind, I’ve understood them. For this post I’m going to share how I see life, so of course this isn’t taking anyone what to do.

I’ve had a rather good life even if around me there was a lot of chaos. I remember when my desires started, when porn became something I craved. I remember my mind taking a turn, thoughts starting to become bothersome. Nervous around girls at school yet looking at them like a dog. Anyone I talked to, I wasn’t given a way to change myself. It was just normal what I did and how I went about life.

I started talking to people online, my way of fulfilling my desire without the nerves. I figured out how to talk and how to break out of my shell so to speak. I met quite a few girls online, even if I remember my time talking to them. It’s clear now it was mostly lust driving me to them. Upon release interest dwindled, I just thought that was normal.

What happened to me was meeting someone who didn’t tolerate my shit. Who made me work to get to know them. Someone who intimidated me even, I felt guilty having those desires for her. The stuff I saw in porn, it made me sick to think of her like that. I just avoided it and fantasized like I did, the same patterns.

Her and I grew closer over the years, ups and downs, just talking. I had a good life with friends that I liked to be around. School ended and people moved on, I accepted it, I still had her to express myself to. The desires were okay, and I felt closer and closer like I never felt with anyone else. It was those desires that eventually broke us apart. My insecurities, jealousy, seeing the world through the eyes of porn.

The point of this is to show that these things may seem innocent. They may be okay for a lot of people, that doesn’t mean it isn’t dangerous. My lighthearted story breaks my heart because I was the person on the other side. I still smile when I see a couple, hoping they understand what it’s like without that. For anyone here to think for a moment about what they have.