This post is me being 100% vulnerable with what is going on in my life. Life has sucked lately. My relationship is a mess, we can't seem to be compatible or get comfortable around each other no matter how hard we try, we are both very stubborn people and are quite opposite personalities at times. We love each other, but it's just so hard for us idk why. My motivation to do simple things in life has vanished. Washing dishes, running errands, doing laundry, hygiene, working out, this weight holds me to the ground, everywhere I go I crawl (metaphorically). My job is a mess. I have been working there for a little over a year now and hate it. It does not make me happy. I have been applying for other positions for the past 3 months, had a few interviews, and just feel like God has been shutting the door in my face. It's like I'm just here suffering and He doesn't care to give me a way out. My only joy right now is porn. That temporary pleasure is the only thing that actually brings me some sort of relief, even though I know it's wrong, and I know I will feel like crap afterwards, I just don't care. I got off work and I was walking across the street and thought about what would happen if a car ran a red light and hit me. I told myself that I don't think I would even care if that happened. Not that I am going to do anything like that, I only plan to die when God takes my life. But I feel like Elisha when he went under the fig tree and asked God to take his life because it was too much to bare. It's like, if I were to die today, if God were to take me, it would be a relief. Everything is hard. I have sinned, yes, but I feel I have been faithful to God. I have never rejected Him ever since I met Him, I have always repented, I have always followed Him and believed he would deliver me regardless of my circumstances. But now it's so hard man. If anybody can relate to my situation and express how God has shown up or opened doors in their own life please share for encouragement. Also, please pray for me.
In what way have you been faithful? Lust is your god and sating your own desires is where you turn for comfort. The door feels shut in your face because you yourself have closed it by turning away from God and toward P. If you want to feel connected with God then you must actually be connected with God. It does to good to say you are faithful to him while you are actively prostrating yourself at the altar of lust. You are not fooling anyone, except perhaps yourself. God is showing up, right now. He is with you, closer than your own breath. He has never left you. It is you who have turned your back on him. Life got hard, you did not get an easy answer to the difficulty, and you immediately turned to P for comfort, and now you feel lousy. What did you expect? Repent, break away from P, and come home to the God who is your true Father. He loves you more than you can imagine and wants nothing more than for you to leave your foreign gods and come back to him. The next step is up to you. I am praying for you and cheering you on! Do not let sin and death win!
I totaly agree with Tao ,looking at porn for satisfaction is worshiping another God and I did it for way to many years but cant stand to even think of it now because its nasty.You have the power thru Christ to overcome all Satan throws at you.Man I was so nwrapped up in the pleasure of porn God is the only way im sitting here typing this.Pray for victory for you.
You are describing, quite precisely, the cycle of sin and its consequences. Trust me, I have done the same thing. I have 50 years of experience in making such debilitating choices. The devil tempts all of us to sin, even Christ was subject to temptation. However, when we give in and let our eyes linger where they should not, we are then on the path towards sin. If we give in completely, willingly ignoring God's will, we commit serious sin. If we lust for other women we have committed adultery with her in our hearts and adultery is a mortal sin. Afterwards, the devil fills our hearts with shame which leads to despair and in this way the devil tightens his grip. Everything in our lives feels broken and lonely because we have chosen to separate ourselves from God. This is the root cause of your unhappiness. However, the fact that you are here is indication that your soul still longs for God. The one being in the universe who will always stand ready to love you and forgive you. You can be rescued. You can find peace and happiness. I expect you already know where you must begin. Remember, freedom is worth any price.
Originally when I read this I was angry and thought that you were being too hard on me. I told myself that you don't know me or my situation. But I now realize that you are correct. After thinking about it, lust is my God. I worship it, I always think about it, and I think most importantly I RELY on it...I rely on it to fulfill me when things aren't going well, I rely on it to save me from circumstances in life that may not be preferable, and I rely on it in moments of relief. I have been unfaithful. I have worshipped a false idol of women, lust, sex, desire. The bible states "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." The renewing of the mind is more than just praying for forgiveness. It means to reshape my entire mindset. To renew my way of thinking, to renew what/who I rely on and who I turn to. I need to rely on God. The devil is constantly at my neck. At the end of the day the choice is mine, and it's a hard one. Do I choose to turn to and believe in God or do I not trust Him as my father. I need to renew my way of reliance on Him and how my mind views sin. Without this renewal I will never escape the cycle of sexual sin. Thank you for not being afraid to speak truth to me, these are harsh words but are very convicting. As iron sharpens iron, so one brother sharpens another.
Thank you everyone for your comments. I've realized that at this point in my walk, words are extremely cheap. I can't count the amount of times I've said "This time will be different, I am going to be more faithful and motivated". Actions speak louder than words. I must simply do good and not just speak it.
I am sure we have all said these things to ourselves. "That is the last time I am going to do that". I remember telling myself that hundreds, perhaps thousands of times. You are not alone in this struggle and I assure you that you can win it, although it may take more time than you would like. Keep striving and keep looking to find what you can from your mistakes and take actions to prevent them from happening again. In this way, you will succeed! May God bless you and your efforts today.
The disciple's path is very difficult, but it is also very, very good. indeed, there is no other road that leads to life. If we want to walk it, we must be willing to leave everything behind in order to do so. You will not regret it! The best day to get started is always the same: Today!
