The struggle of being a minority on the spectrum

Every time I relapse, I have flashbacks of when people have said negative things about me or flashbacks of getting rejected by a girl. It's gotten to a point where I argue with family members after a relapse due to my own insecurities or I beat myself up for having Asperger's. I have a brother who has high functioning autism as well, but he's slightly lower functioning than I am, but he handles the fact that he has autism way better than I do. I do believe my life would've been a lot easier if I weren't on the spectrum, that way I wouldn't have had that awkward phase in middle school. In the media a lot of people with Asperger's are portrayed as these weird spazzes who are nerds that have low SMV, very awful social skills, or are incels, like the comic book guy from the Simpsons. As I got older, my symptoms of Asperger's have become less apparent, but there are still people who notice I'm on the spectrum and make comments about it. Having AS does make me feel like a weird spaz. There have been people who talk to me like I'm slow too, because of it. I feel like if I were normal functioning, life would've been easier, I would've been able to fit in, and I would've been better at talking to girls. In high school, I was in that weird category where I wasn't "cool" enough to be with the popular kids, but I wasn't "nerdy" enough to fit in with the "nerds" and "dorky" kids (since many of them found me to be to silly and annoying), I was also not a hardcore gamer and I'm not into anime like a majority of the so-called nerds were. I'm also a bit of a conservative, so the "nerdy/hipster" kids have bashed me for my more traditional ideologies. No matter what clique I was in, I didn't fit in, I was always that weird in-between, although I always leaned slightly more towards the "nerdy" side. What makes matters worse is my race, since it's especially difficult for black men who are on the spectrum. A majority of people who are on the spectrum are white, and it objectively makes me feel less black (even though it's racialy bias to feel that way, since anyone could have autism), but this is due to the fact that I have a mental disorder that is synonymous with white people. Most black dudes at my school had swag, smoked pot, good at sports, listened to trap music, and I believe having Aspergers caused a chemical imbalance in my brain that caused me to not be interested in the majority of things that most black men are traditionally interested in. I understand that I'm enabling the negative stereotypes of black people, but at the same time, let's be honest, a majority of people who have autism are unique individuals that don't fit in regardless of what race they are. I'm not an incel, because there have been girls who have said that I was attractive physically, but my personality is why I don't have such good luck with getting into relationships, since I've seen guys far worse looking than me get with someone. The girls who have flirted with me (remember just based on my looks) were either popular girls that were way out of my league, or extremely unattractive ones with bad hygiene. There has never been a girl that was on my level (looks and status wise) that has shown interest in me. I believe I would've lost my virginity if I weren't on the spectrum. From what I've observed, most black girls (especially in high school/college) prefer the guy who's a cookie cutter, rather than someone who's unique, meanwhile, I've seen girls of other races date all types of guys. Part of me would want to date interracially, but both of my parents are anti-white and have guilt tripped me into only dating within my race. Yes, I know that not all black girls want the stereotypical black man, but an overwhelming majority do. I'm not one of those neckbeards who's a manchild with no social life that dwells in the basement all day and watches a bunch of hentai, but I'm not "the man" that is a professional at sports, goes to all the parties, and gets all the tail. With other races, there are many in-betweens. Unfortunately, in the black community, you're seen as a neckbeard if you don't follow any racial stereotypes, there is no in-between, you're seen as either the man who's good at sports and listens to trap music that gets all the girls or you're a weird nerd. I understand this is a touchy subject that deals with race, but this has been something that has deeply bothered me, and I don't speak about it that often due to how touchy this subject is. I wanna use nofap to help me overcome this issue and accept the fact that I'm a black man with Aspeger's for a good reason. I hope this post doesn't get me in trouble, because I know it's wrong of me to feel this way, but at the same time, I can't control how the media and society has conditioned me to feel that way. Part of me just things my life would've been better off if I were white or didn't have autism. I even go through paperwork that states that I have autism, and it makes me feel dehumanizing like I'm some sort of lab rat. I also hate having the label "disabled" too.