The sickness

We have so many threats that our bodies bare the brunt of. We think it’s just our body when we feel pain. Yet we cant put a pin on it, we further indulge in the diagnosis of someone that doesn’t care. We buy into it and yet we still feel that lingering pain eating away, growing like a cancer inside of us. To speak this way, in this intensity is precisely what is needed. I spent so long wondering why I felt so ashamed of myself. Why I kept feeding into shame, doing things I knew I shouldn’t. Let’s say “post nut clarity” we act like we were just possessed now we are free once we release. We don’t even realize that all that has changed is the truth. We see it now because it is all to be seen, arousal is powerful enough to shield your heart. Desire in its most extreme has us hurting everyone around us, and believing we are right. I make excuses about women, I point the finger and it’s only when I truly see. I stop it, I reel myself back and understand it’s me. I’m looking into a mirror, the pain I feel is sticking myself with a knife. Bleeding my own blood, squeezing every ounce of goodness out. A frown from a smile because I didn’t get what I thought I needed. It’s easy to dismiss this and continue down the path I was going. To hold my hands up and say I’m doomed. To strip away the beauty from others even because I can no longer appreciate it. I used to look at couples and want to break them apart. No wonder I felt so low of myself that I couldn’t find that in my own life. When I finally did I still suffered my sickness, still putting that on someone else. Just because I found the right path doesn’t mean I can look at her and say well I’m better now. Just because you grew, just because you changed yourself in a way you can accept. That doesn’t mean the past is erased, that doesn’t mean I’m safe and over that line. It hurts to say that because I will never be absolved. That’s just how it is, I can say it doesn’t matter and my actions only are a drop in the ocean. Put under a magnifying glass it’s visible, you can trace my every step so why bother trying to hide it? I’m sorry to say that some of you may have gone too far. Even if you respond with guilt dripping off every sentence. It is your guilt as it is mine, it is your actions that have led you to here. We must be very careful where we step, what we think is okay. We need to stop believing that we are more important just because life is seen through our eyes. My whole reason to write at all is my love, and that love is my desire I chase for life. Can you tell that I am still chasing? Can you tell that I still have a long way to go? If not then let me tell you that I do. Just because I can come here and bare myself to strangers online. That doesn’t mean I’m someone to admire, nor does it mean I’m opening a door for you. I’m knocking at one, dried blood from my nails clawing at the barrier. I’ve been here so long, and you are welcome to sit here next to me. You can seek out your door, you can present yourself in a way where even if it never opened. You showed you made an effort etched in time, I made my effort and continue to do so. I am willing to turn down any luxury, refuse any other door. I am loyal to my path no matter what lies on the other side. Call me a fool, but I am a determined one who will stop at nothing to show my pride. Look at my door and see my effort clear as a bright sky. Look at the floor and see my feet sunken into the earth. If I were a tree my roots would be tangled and twisted in every space I occupy. Come by with your axe and chop me down, let me feel every strike as I feel life leave my eyes. You will look in my eyes and see my story, you will feel my pain if we wish to put yours upon me. Thank you my brothers, please never forget what is inside of you. The sliver of light we must grasp until our fingers go with it.