I suffer from voyeurism, when I am attracted to someone outside I take few lusty looks and then I can not stop until I MO and relapse. I consider this the perfectionist way of relapsing, because my inner addict whispers to me that first glance means I broke the promise now I should just end the deal. Today however, I had few lusty looks while I was in shopping mall and while libido and dopamine rush were at high I pulled myself over, I feel very crapy, I took a shower to relax myself but I didn't MO. As I am typing this my perfectionist inner addict is whispering that I broke the promise I should start over after I MO and release. I am sick of this vicious cycle this has happened to me many times now. I simply can not live like that. How can I tell myself that a slip is okay, and there wont be a perfect time in my life where I wont look at a girl or I wont be attracted to any, not every slip should take me to relapse. I guess I need some words of advice as to how can I pull myself back from serious slips and convince myself that slips are part of the journey what matters is how can I stop these slips to convert in to full blown MO and relapse ?
Well there are several factors at work here @abutrustworthy. You speak of voyeurism, perfectionism and describe your inner dialogue egging you on to masturbate and cum (i.e. rationalization). So, you have quite the challenge to overcome. (1) Voyeurism is the sexual interest in or practice of spying on people engaged in intimate behaviors, such as undressing, sexual activity, or other actions usually considered to be of a private nature. (2) Perfectionism is a personality trait characterized by a person's striving for flawlessness and setting excessively high performance standards, accompanied by overly critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others' evaluations. (3) Rationalization occurs when the individual deals with emotional conflict or internal or external stressors by concealing the true motivations for his or her own thoughts, actions or feelings through the elaboration of reassuring or self serving but incorrect explanations. At least as far as the description of your behaviours here ^ you are neither a voyeur nor a perfectionist. So, what are your issues really? I would suggest they centre firmly around rationalization - a distorted inner dialogue. This is a common problem and it is hard to imagine any addict of porn and/or masturbation that doesn't have to face it. One way you can deal with it is to make up some rules for yourself. You can then use these to counteract the thought patterns you usually experience. E.g. you could make for yourself a 3-second rule (which is perfectly acceptable btw). The 3-second rule means it is natural and understandable to look and notice attractive women that you see when you are out and about. It is: (1) notice (2) acknowledge (3) move on. This allows no time for lust or a second look. This is helpful because the easiest place to resist temptation is at the very start. Once your underpants are round your ankles it is pretty much all over. There is nothing wrong or perverted in noticing a beautiful woman, acknowledging the fact and moving on. It is important that you accept that the 3-second rule is not a slip. This is perfectly acceptable behaviour. If you fail to keep to the 3-second rule, that would be a slip. To prevent anything further, you will need other strategies. It may be an ice cold shower! It may be some exercise. Perhaps you have a hobby, project or DIY you can get absorbed in. You may find a period of mindfulness meditation will help or listening to music. Develop an array of countermeasures you can select from so that the slip of your 3-second rule doesn't lead on to something further like masturbation and orgasm.
@ SnL: Thanks from your reply. I do think I am perfectionist in my recovery, that is why I want a perfect recovery, which basically means that if I give couple of lusty glances to someone my perfectionist inner addict will not allow me to move back until I go in to a full blown relapse. I will practice the 3-second rule, has it worked for you or anyone else over here ?
Newsflash! Checking out a woman is OK. It is how the human species perpetuates itself. The task then - if you are not to date, marry and reproduce with this woman - is to apply the brakes between checking a woman out and rushing off to MO. That is not OK, and will hinder you from finding the woman of your dreams.
Draw a distinction between a healthy libido, and a distorted over-blown one. The healthy libido notices woman, the inflated out of control over-blown libido 'objectifies' them. Your 'inner perfectionist' seems to want an anaemic and weak libido.
i guess your brain wants you to destroy sexual desires. So you have two choices now: 1. try avoid all triggers until you feel good enough to handle the temptation 2. kill sexual desires.
